
















- 























































A 


JOURNAL 


OF THE 


LIFE AND GOSPEL LABOURS 


OF 

JOHN CONRAN, 


OF MOYALLEN, IN IRELAND, WHO DIED IN THE 
YEAR 1827. 


Nobo first puSItstrb from tijr original 


PHILADELPHIA: 

HENRY LONGSTEETH, 
No. 738 Sansom Street, 

1877. 



Exchange 

T^etern Ont. Univ. Library 

FEB 4 1941 


■>, 


* 




PREFACE. 


In offering to the public the present small volume, it may 
be well to state that it has been selected from the manu¬ 
script journal of our dear friend John Conran, late of 
Moyallen, in the county of Down, Ireland. Care has 
been taken, in making these extracts, to preserve and 
connect all the most valuable and instructive matter, 
leaving out only such passages as did not appear desir¬ 
able for publication, or whose scope was embraced in 
other parts of the work. Some verbal alterations have 
also been made to lessen the many repetitions, and a few 
additions where a clearer elucidation of the sense of the 
writer seemed required, which have in most cases been 
placed within brackets; the sole object of the Compiler 
having been neither to add to, nor to diminish from, the 
testimony which this faithful servant and labourer in the 
gospel was concerned thus to leave on record, for the 
magnifying of that Divine Grace which was not bestowed 
on him in vain, and by which he was what he was. For 
the above-mentioned omissions the editor finds a sanc¬ 
tion in the following allusion to his journal, ipade by 
John Conran near the close of his life:—“ Upon having 
these memoirs read to me, I observe some matters which 

(«) 



iv 


PREFACE. 


may appear, and did so to me, as scarcely proper to be 
inserted in them—to the wise and prudent, among us 
and others, they will appear to be foolishness ; but as I 
sat this day in religious retirement, it was opened on my 
mind that the new birth is brought forth like the natural 
one in a state of infancy—in this state we think as a 
child, and speak as a child, and use and practice childish 
things; but when we gain some further strength and ac¬ 
quaintance with the Divine mind, we gradually see things 
as they really are, and lay aside these childish things, 
experiencing a growth in spiritual stature till we attain 
that of a young man or woman in Christ. Some years 
since also being retired into religious silence, at a time 
of great discouragement from having heard that Isaac 
Sharpies had destroyed his writings, the following 
charge was clearly uttered within me, ‘ Gather up thy 
fragments, let nothing be lost, for they will be looked for/ 
Under these considerations, I feel easy to leave these 
passages to the revision and discretion of solid Friends, 
to retain or obliterate as they may think them likely to 
be useful or otherwise.— John Conran, Moyallen , 14 th of 
Fourth Month, 1827.” 

Should any in rising from the perusal of the succeed- 
ing pages admit feelings of discouragement, from observ¬ 
ing the deep probations through which our dear friend 
had frequently to pass during the latter period of his 
life, it is hoped that they will recollect that he was a 
chosen instrument in the Divine Hand, and as such 


PREFACE. 


V 


needed again and again to be dipped into Jordan for his 
further purifying for the work whereunto he was called; 
and that as he was thus deeply baptized, so he was the more 
enabled to live very near in spirit to the Source of all 
good, and was often refreshed by Him who promised to 
be “ as the dew unto Israel/’ at times in a manner which 
it would not be suitable, perhaps not possible, to convey 
to others. So let none be dismayed, or cast away their 
confidence ; rather let them continually remember that 
“ He is faithful who has promised/’ and that no more 
will be required of the feeblest of His fold than he will 
with the requirement give them strength either to endure 
or to perform. 

It is believed that to those yet remaining, who knew 
and loved John Conran, these memorials of the Lord’s 
leadings and tender dealings with him will be precious, 
and will revive in their remembrance the line upon line 
and precept upon precept which he was made an instru¬ 
ment of conveying to them in the days of their youth, 
when the visitation of Divine love was extended to them; 
may the recurrence thereof lead to the heart-felt inquiry, 
how far the Heavenly calls have been answered, and their 
day’s work kept pace with their day ; and if a degree of 
fear and doubt should clothe their minds on this scrutiny, 
may there be an earnest applying for Holy help to make 
straighter steps to their feet the remainder of their little 
time, that so they may yet be enabled to glorify and 
praise His name, whose mercy endureth for ever 1 And 


vi 


PREFACE. 


may those of the rising and succeeding generations, in 
observing the unshaken faith, the simple obedience, the 
confiding patience, and the deep humility which charac¬ 
terized this faithful servant of his good Lord, be stimu¬ 
lated to follow him as he endeavoured to follow Christ, 
that so they also may be graciously permitted to lay 
down their heads with peace and praise! 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER I. 

PAGI 

John Conran—His Education—Early Life—Religious 
Exercises—Convincement of the Truth—And leading 
Into the Testimonies thereof.... 1 

CHAPTER II. 

1773. His preparation for the Ministry—Travels as 
guide to Esther Tuke—Also with Mary Robinson and 
Barbara Drewry—His first appearance in the ministry 
—Accompanies Christiana Hustler and Phebe Marshall. 81 

CHAPTER III. 

1782. Attends the Yearly Meeting in London—Joins 
Robert Valentine and John Hall in visiting Leinster 
and Munster provinces—His Marriage—Visit to the 
families of Ballyhagen and Ballinderry Meetings. 65 

CHAPTER IV. 

1786. Religious services in Ulster Province—And in 
Carlow Meeting—Death of his Daughter—Visits the 
Meetings in Munster Province—Illness and Death of 
his Wife—Returns into Munster.. 102 

(▼a) 






viii 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER V. 

PAG* 

Attends sundry Meetings from 1808 to 1812—Visits the 
families in Waterford, Clonmel, and Cork—Various 
Exercises and Services around Home. 123 

CHAPTER VI. 

1815. Continuation of the Journal of his religious expe¬ 
rience and services. 149 

CHAPTER VII. 

1819. He becomes a Member of Lurgan Monthly Meet¬ 
ing—Religious Exercises—Accompanies John Kirk- 
ham and Visits the Families with him in Dublin—Con¬ 
tinuation of his exercises and services. 174 

CHAPTER VIII. 

1824. Various Exercises and Openings in Scripture 
Doctrine—Conclusion of his Journal—Testimony of 
lie Monthly Meeting of Lisburn concerning him. 228 






THE 


LIFE OF JOHN CONRAN. 


CHAPTER I. 

JOHN CONRAN—HIS EDUCATION—EARLY LIFE— 

RELIGIOUS EXERCISES-CONVINCEMENT OF THE 

TRUTH-AND LEADING INTO THE TESTIMONIES 

THEREOF. 

I have had it on my mind, at sundry times for 
years past, to leave some memorial of the tender 
and merciful dealings of a gracious Creator with 
me, unworthy as I feel of the least of them ; and I 
trust and hope my endeavouring to do so at this 
time proceeds more from a desire to give the praise 
to whom it is due, than to exalt the creature, to 
whom only belongs shame and confusion of face. 

I am now, (1808), in the 69th year of my age, 
and though the concerns of my past life may by 
many be thought of little consequence to the pub¬ 
lic, for whom they are not recorded, yet they may 
prove of advantage to some who may be led to 

( 1 ) 



2 


THE LIFE OF 


travel in that path which the vulture’s eye has not 
seen. The keen discerning eye of human wisdom 
hath not been able, in any age of the world, to dis¬ 
close that mystery that was hid from the wise and 
prudent, in all ages and generations; but the 
patriarchs, prophets, and apostles, being way-faring 
men, of simple manners, and not acquainted with 
that learning which the heathens took so much 
pride in, walked in the living experience of the 
ways and workings of the Divine grace in their own 
hearts, following and obeying it, and were thereby 
made partakers of that covenant of life, which 
cometh only and alone through the spiritual appear¬ 
ance of Jesus Christ within them. Such as these, 
let their outward name to religion be what it may, 
whilst they obeyed this heavenly light and were 
followers of it, became children of it, and the works 
they did in obedience to it were works of righteous¬ 
ness, and were accepted at their hands. It was 
after this manner, that many professing heathenism, 
were not only a law to themselves, but their lives 
and conversation made them as lights in the world; 
the full manifestation of the glorious gospel day, 
being reserved for the coming and appearance of 
our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, which day 
Abraham saw in the vision of life and was glad: in 
the same life and light the prophets and holy men 
of old, as they were inspired by the Holy Spirit, 


JOHN CONRAN. 


3 


foretold the&e glad tidings. This revelation, man 
by his own wisdom, and aided by all the acquired 
learning either of himself or others, was not able 
to comprehend; neither was this learning sufficient 
for men in former ages, nor is it sufficient in this 
age or generation, savingly to show to themselves or 
to others, who Christ within, the hope of glory, is, 
or to enable them to confess Him in life and con¬ 
versation, governed by holy fear, that He is the 
Christ, the Son of the living God—flesh and blood 
cannot reveal this now, no more than it could to 
Peter, but our Father who is heaven. Believing in 
this Scripture, Matt. xi. 27., that “ no man (as man) 
knoweth the Son, but the Father, nor the Father, 
but the Son, and those only to whom the Son doth 
reveal Him ”—I make these few observations in the 
forepart of this narrative, as my mode of living, 
birth and parentage, was not corresponding with 
my profession and faith at this day. And as my 
change from the outward and visible signs, repre¬ 
senting God’s grace to man, to the inward and 
spiritual grace typified by these shadows, was not 
the result of my own wisdom or will, or that of 
others, but arising from the secret manifestations of 
His Divine grace in my heart, I feel desirous to 
bear my testimony to this inward revelation of light 
and truth, which I fully believe comes from Jesus 
Christ, to redeem those who feel it and are obedient 


4 


THE LIFE OF 


to it, from all unrighteousness and the world’s lusts, 
and to teach them to live soberly, righteously, [and 
godly,] in this present world, Titus ii. 11,12; and 
that it not only teaches us, but also is sufficient to 
help and deliver us in every needful time of trial, 
which a belief in the outward ordinances, and the 
observation of times and ceremonies, never did 
accomplish for me, as may be seen hereafter in this 
recital. 

I was born in the city of Dublin, in the year 
1739, my parents professing with the Church of 
England, I was bred in that profession, and had 
the advantage of a pretty liberal education under a 
clergyman of that way. After I had acquired some 
acquaintance with the classics, before I was twelve 
years old, I was placed under the care of Abraham 
Shackleton of Ballitore, where I acquired further 
improvement in my former studies, as well as an 
acquaintance with such learning as was necessary to 
qualify me for business. I may not omit a circum¬ 
stance which attended me there when about thirteen 
years of age, being an instance of the merciful visi¬ 
tation of Divine grace to us in early youth, appear¬ 
ing as a spirit of judgment, and condemning those 
things which His blessed Spirit holds a controversy 
with. In company with some of my school-fellows, 
I drank some sweet liquor, (Shrub) which overcame 
me: after I was in bed some time, I felt close con- 


JOHN CONRAN. 


5 


victions take hold of me, which made me sorrowful, 
■—these gradually grew upon me, and were suc¬ 
ceeded by great terrors of death, and future judg¬ 
ment,which caused me to cry out for mercy, and that 
I would never be guilty of the same again. My old 
master came up to my bed-side, and stood abstracted 
\ till this dispensation subsided, perhaps about fifteen 
minutes. These impressions, though deep at the 
time, were soon erased, and I thought very little 
more about it, being taken up with amusements. 

I was placed apprentice in Lisburn, in the county 
of Antrim, to learn the linen-trade ; in that situa¬ 
tion I had more liberty than hitherto I had expe¬ 
rienced. My intimate acquaintance was with young 
men about my age, and having a pretty good share 
of money given to me by my relations, it led me 
into amusements to which youth are incident. I 
kept a horse, and was very fond of hunting; I 
attended balls and assemblies, to which I was much 
addicted, and this led to a desire after fine clothes, 
which I indulged to an expensive degree; I was 
also fond of music, and had a strong propensity to 
singing and whistling, which the love of music leads 
to. I may say with Solomon, I gave my heart to 
know pleasure in most shapes, which the sons of 
men are given to—not as the wise man said, to 
know what it was good for; that knowledge was 
reserved by the good Shepherd for a future day, 


THE LIFE OF 


when I was made to see in that light which is 
superior to the written word, that these things lead 
to the chambers of death ; for the lovers of pleasure 
are not, nor can be, lovers of God, as there is no con¬ 
cord between Christ and Belial. I continued pretty 
much in these practices and habits till I was about 
twenty-four years of age, when I felt my mind 
oftentimes brought into serious reflections, and 
that disposition gradually wore away which led me 
into gay company, and at the same time out from 
hearing the Divine voice, which is a still small voice 
in the secret of my heart; and to the surprise 
of many, some of whom were otherwise valuable 
members of the community, I left the assemblies 
which were termed innocent amusements. I had 
lodgings in town, and kept very much at home ; my 
former companions used to come and tempt me to 
go with them, but I refused with such a coun¬ 
tenance bespeaking a degree of solidity as sur¬ 
prised them, and I heard it was reported I was 
taking leave of my senses, which occasioned others 
to come and look at me to see if it were so. My 
disposition for singing and whistling, which was a 
favourite amusement, fell away, I could not tell 
how, and I think I never resumed it; and although 
my education never led me to look inward for that 
which is only to be found within, yet I was often 
led into secret recollection and retirement in spirit, 


JOHN CONRAN. 


7 


which led me into a belief, and perhaps some sensible 
experience, that what was to be known of God was 
made manifest within. My secret breathings began 
to be after God, these led me to the frequent atten¬ 
dance of public worship, and I very rarely missed 
receiving the bread and wine, except I apprehended 
myself disqualified. The recommendation not to 
approach the Lord’s table, nor to receive the ele¬ 
ments unworthily, lest I should eat and drink my 
ow T n damnation, had been a block at which I had 
long stumbled; but one day, on that occasion, I 
thought I felt restrained from going out as usual 
with those who did not communicate, so in much 
fear I approached the table, and received the bread 
and wine, which gave me great satisfaction that I 
had now received this rite of my church, and I con¬ 
tinued this practice for some years. I believe I was 
permitted in this seeking state of mind, to try this 
ceremony what it was good for, for I was an advo¬ 
cate for the religion of my education, and I have 
been told by a dignitary in it, that he was always 
glad to see me in church, as my deportment there 
w r as devout, and he was sorry to lose me. 

I was intimately acquainted with sundry of the 
people called Quakers, and had an esteem and 
friendship for them ; but their pretensions to such 
refinements in religion, their claim to inspiration, 
and their silent meetings with the benefit said to 


8 


THE LIFE OF 


arise from them, I could not well relish, neither did 
I at all believe it. I was of the judgment that the 
New Testament contained all that was necessary for 
man’s salvation, but it used at times to stagger me, 
how I should put to practice its precepts—in it w T as 
the form, but where was the power to fulfil ? Often¬ 
times I did groan for deliverance from the power of 
sin and death, and like many of my then fellow-com¬ 
municants, I believed there was no redemption from 
it on this side of the grave; this settled me down 
in a degree of ease in the outside performances, 
which like the law formerly did not make the comers 
thereunto perfect; yet to me, I believe, they were 
made useful to bring me unto the better Covenant. 

Whilst I was seeking after redemption from sin and 
transgression, I left the town, and took a farm, where 
I have now lived about forty-three years : I believe 
this removal was in the ordering of best Wisdom, it 
led me away in a great degree from my former 
acquaintance and habits ; my spare time was taken 
up with useful, and to me they were agreeable, 
occupations, I farmed, and followed my linen busi¬ 
ness. I attended the public worship rather more 
constantly than before, though about three miles 
distant, and thought nothing could shake my opi¬ 
nions which were orthodox in relation to it; I had 
not any thoughts of making so important a revolu¬ 
tion as to change or alter the religion of my educa- 


JOHN CONRAN, 


9 


tion—here I was at ease. But from my frequently 
retiring into a secret communion in my own heart 
and being still, I was gradually led to a close reliance 
and dependence upon Divine instruction, not con¬ 
sidering that any other body of Christians made 
this profession more openly than I did. Divine 
Mercy saw me at this time, as He saw Nathanael 
formerly under the fig-tree, when no other saw him, 
and suffered me to try my own strength, in endea¬ 
vouring to establish my own righteousness ; that by 
finding it unequal in the contest with the man of 
sin, I might more readily submit, when the time 
should more fully come to ask for and receive 
strength from Him upon whom our help is laid. 

I usually presented my petitions night and morn¬ 
ing, that I might be preserved from temptations 
and from sins, and very frequently read some por¬ 
tions of Scripture before I went to bed. The week 
before I received the elements I usually read the 
service appointed thereto, and watched over my 
words and temper, that I might receive this rite 
with some degree of acceptance. But it was often 
cause of surprise to me, that I felt no additional 
strength to be derived from my pretty constant at¬ 
tendance on public worship and the sacrament, so 
called, having read and heard of the beneficial ef¬ 
fects obtained from receiving the bread and wine; for 
on those occasions,(which were to mein good degree 


10 


THE LIFE OF 


solemn,) when I retired from what was called the 
Lord’s table, and humbly kneeling in the pew I re¬ 
turned thanks to God, and prayed that it might be 
blessed to my regeneration, my prayers even then 
seemed to be dry and unproductive of the fruits I 
was taught to expect from them. All this was per¬ 
formed in my own strength—I said I would be wise, 
but it was far from me—the hair that was by nature 
black was not hereby made white, nor that wdiich 
was crooked made straight, and instead of the old 
man being more crucified then than before, the ene¬ 
mies of my own house kept possession; yet I may say 
their goods were not in peace, I longed to get them 
turned out, and to be set free from the law of sin and 
death,under which I groaned and strove for the mas¬ 
tery. I had a natural warmth in my disposition, 
which I was very desirous to overcome as it unsettled 
my mind from that state of quiet in which I found 
rest; but all the care I used was not sufficient at 
times to subdue it, and it was cause of great uneasi¬ 
ness to me when it did get up: yet I was enabled 
through Divine favour to keep up a fair outside ap¬ 
pearance with men, was not guilty of immorality, 
and was reckoned sober anireligious,and upon these 
grounds I held a pretty good opinion of my own at¬ 
tainments. Here I was ready to settle down, and to 
think I had reached the desired haven of rest; but 
this state, I believe, is one of the subtilties of our 


JOHN CONRAN. 


11 


grand adversary, and is a false rest, and not [that] 
prepared for the people of God: out of this the ene¬ 
my will not disturb us, he will allow us to remain 
there all our lives, as I fear too many do—resting in 
their own labours, their works will not follow them. 
But my merciful Redeemer, who knew the integrity 
of my heart, and saw that bread did not satisfy my 
hungry soul, because I hungered and thirsted after 
righteousness which these things did not produce, 
was pleased to visit me again and again by the se¬ 
cret touches of Ilis Holy Spirit, gradually drawing 
my attention thereunto season after season, making 
me acquainted therewith as a light in my dark heart, 
and as a reprover and swift witness against the ap¬ 
pearances of evil, to which I gave heed, and rejoiced 
in it, but must say I knew it not as I have since 
known it; I believed it was Divine, but my mind 
being so limited by the prejudices of education in 
favour of that profession of religion I was taught to 
believe in, I did not look for, neither did I expect 
to feel, in myself, the second appearance of our Lord 
Jesus Christ without sin unto salvation. My views 
and expectations were outward, my worship was 
only in the outward court, which was trodden by 
the Gentile spirit. I sought for Him without, 
whom my soul secretly desired to find—a Saviour 
who was promised to save us from our sins, and not 
in them. Sin had become so exceedingly sinful to 


12 


THE LIFE OF 


me, that my cry at times was, “ a Redeemer, or I 
perish—but I found Him not—I was seeking the 
living amongst the dead—the law formerly did not 
make the comers thereunto perfect. He, whom I 
w T as seeking, was risen, and the day was coming 
upon me that these empty forms and shadows were 
to flee away, and the Sun of Righteousness to arise 
with healing in His wings, in order to bring forth 
that life in me, which, being hid with Christ in God, 
all my endeavours in my own strength, will, and 
wisdom, proved ineffectual. And when the day of 
the Lord’s power came upon all those things I 
thought so much of, as my attainments in a reli¬ 
gious life and conversation, it burned as an oven, and 
consumed everything of that nature, that the Lord 
alone might rule and reign in my heart, whose right 
it is. My righteousness appeared to be as filthy 
rags, and was not sufficient to cover my nakedness; 
I could then say with holy Job, 4 “ Naked I came 
into the world, and naked I shall go out,” unless, 
oh Lord, thou cover me with a new garment, the 
fig-leaf covering does not hide me from thy judg¬ 
ments,’ which then began to be revealed in my soul. 

I had been in the practice of going occasionally 
to the meetings of Friends for years past, but as my 
spirit became exercised after more durable riches 
than I had already obtained, I attended them more 
frequently, yet cannot say, I felt myself much bene- 


JOHN CONRAN. 


13 


fited thereby; for, although I knew the people 
called Quakers made profession of a more spiritual 
religion than other people in this land, I was not 
then capable of forming a just judgment of that 
which I had only heard of by the hearing of the 
outward ear; my spiritual eye had not been then 
anointed, by which only I could see the wonders of 
the new creation of God, in, and through, His dear 
Son, Christ Jesus. The time was not yet come that 
the Lord would enter into His temple, and the 
earth would be moved at His Divine presence, w T ho 
indeed is the Lord of the whole earth, and worthy, 
worthy to be feared, honoured, and obeyed ! 

Whilst I was in this seeking frame of mind, I 
attended a Province Meeting held in Lurgan. In 
the first sitting a Friend spoke upon this portion of 
Scripture, “ Behold, I stand at the door and knock : 
if any man hear my voice and open the door, I 
will come in to him, and will sup with him and he 
with me.” I did not find this testimony produced 
any good effect in me, for I was built up in a good 
opinion of the religious profession of my education, 
and I did not see much in the lives and conversa¬ 
tions of many amongst the Quakers, to induce me 
to give them much preference to many amongst my 
fellow-professors : moreover, I did not comprehend 
the nature or use of silent meetings. There was a 
Friend there from Pennsylvania, Robert Willis, I 


14 


THE LIFE OF 


think he was silent in that sitting. Upon Friends 
gathering into the Meeting for Discipline, I went 
in, not knowing the impropriety of it; and though 
there were doorkeepers they let me pass on as they 
observed a solemnity in my countenance. In the 
pause of silence Robert Willis spoke, what it was I 
could not tell, my mind being gathered into inward 
silence; but such a power broke in upon me that 
I was greatly broken into tears, and. my whole 
body was shaken in an extraordinary manner, at¬ 
tended by feeling the Divine Life to arise within 
me ; and though it brought a spirit of judgment 
with it, yet it left a healing virtue, so that I thought 
then I would not be ashamed to confess to the Truth 
in the public streets, let the shame be ever so great. 
The cross then was nothing to me when compared 
with the treasure which was hidden in my heart; 1 
was then determined to sell all, so that I could gain 
this pearl I had been searching for so long in vain 
among the rubbish. Oh ! I remember that day, 
how I did rejoice ! a new song was put into my 
mouth, even praises to my God ! 

I do not expect any other but that this statement 
will be called enthusiasm, or the effects of a disturbed 
or .warm imagination, by those who have never been 
acquainted in themselves with the like happy and 
blessed experience, which I call, as to myself, the 
beginnings of the new creation of God in Christ 


JOHN CONRAN. 


15 


Jesus. The Gospel, in the (lays of the first messen¬ 
gers, was termed by the worldly-wise and prudent, 
foolishness—an eminent publisher of it was told too 
much learning had made him mad ; their lives, in¬ 
deed, were counted as madness, because the life they 
then lived was in Christ Jesus, whilst the lives of 
those who condemned them were after the flesh, 
fulfilling the lusts thereof. At the same time I fear 
there are many who make a profession with me of 
those things, who are not able to comprehend them, 
for we have not any thing that is good but what is 
given to us of God; and if wc are not concerned to 
ask wisdom from Him, we shall not receive it, for the 
promise remains to be to those who ask: some 
amongst us do ask, but they ask amiss, asking that 
from the form which it cannot give. To these states 
I shall not use any reasoning to strive to convince 
them of their error, having the experience in my¬ 
self, how hard, nay, I may say, how impossible it 
would have been to have convinced me of these 
truths before, till Divine Mercy was extended to me, 
and by a simple operation comparable to the clay 
and spittle to open my blind eyes, so as measurably 
to enable me to see the light of His glorious coun¬ 
tenance, and to confess Him before men. But I 
write these things for the way-faring man and wo¬ 
man "who may be travelling Zionward, and can read 
me in their own experience, to encourage them to 


16 


THE LIFE OF 


hold on their way, and to let no discouragements 
they may meet with in their wilderness travel, 
cause them to look back to Egypt, for it is only 
those 'who hold out to the end that will be saved. 

I was now very much reduced to silence, and my 
spirit oft-times inward, waiting and looking after 
Him whom my soul loved. I thought, having found 
Him of whom Moses and the prophets did write— 
whose blessed day Abraham saw in the vision of 
life, and was glad, and whose blood of sprinkling 
speaketh better things than that of Abel—that now 
the Egyptian bondage of sin was at an end; which 
perhaps was the case with Israel formerly, when 
Moses brought the message to them from the God 
of their fathers, commanding Pharaoh to let Israel 
go and worship their God. But spiritual Pharaoh 
was not to be so easily prevailed against as I 
thought. When he found I w T as for moving from 
under his government, and making for the promised 
land, submitting myself day after day to the guid¬ 
ance of the cloud by day, and the bright flame by 
night, I was closely pursued by him, his horsemen 
and chariots, as if they were determined I should 
not escape from them. The power that was per¬ 
mitted to them to try me with was great, so much 
so that I thought there w'as no power so great, not 
having as yet experienced the coming of Him who 
was stronger than they, clothed with the power of 


JOHN CONRAN. 


17 


His Father, to spoil [the strong man] of his goods, 
turn them out and take possession for Himself. 
This is the work of regeneration, so little known by 
the worldly-minded professors—this is the gospel 
of glad tidings, (the power of God,) preaching and 
teaching liberty to the captive, and the opening of 
the prison doors to them who had been bound by 
the chains of darkness and of sin. This is not the 
work of a day, or of a year—perhaps it maybe that 
of the greatest part of our lives, to be going on 
towards perfection, as the apostle Paul declared, 
“ Not that we are already perfectthough he had 
been a preacher of the great and acceptable year of 
the Lord in Arabia and the coasts and the nations 
round about ; the command of our Lord and Master 
must be remembered in every stage of our journey, 
to “ watch and pray.” 

Oh ! the terrors that surrounded me by day and 
by night, lest the enemy should overpower me, and 
bring me back to the house of bondage, having been 
already made a partaker of a degree of the glorious 
liberty of the sons of God. One temptation after 
another "was presented to me, some in the wisdom 
and guile of the serpent, blasphemies in the roaring 
of the lion were spiritually uttered in iry hearing ; 
but I found by experience my peace and safety was 
in deep retirement of spirit and silence ; and though 
the subtle adversary came only to kill and to de- 
2 


18 


THE LIFE OF 


stroy, yet his waters turned God’s mill, driving mo 
home, and to seek for help where help was laid, 
and in due time I found to be there. Deep in¬ 
deed were my conflicts, so that I was willing to 
exchange conditions with the labouring poor, if I 
might find peace with God and remission of past 
sins. 

In Eleventh Month, 1772,1 attended the Half- 
year’s Meeting in Dublin: at this time I had not 
made any alteration in my dress or appearance, it 
was pretty much in the usual way of other people. 
In one of the meetings for worship I felt my mind 
drawn into deep silence—every outward considera¬ 
tion seemed to be withdrawn, and a deep solemnity 
,was the covering 'of my spirit, which I very much 
gave up to, having found my strength at times 
renewed by it. In this season It. Willis stood up, 
and what he delivered I believe I did not then 
know, nor have I since, but I felt my lost state and 
condition so set before me in the secret of my soul, 
that with the anguish of it I cried for mercy; for 
I thought the pit was open and ready to receive 
me, and all the horrors of it surrounded me. This 
visitation of judgment, with the terrors attending 
on it, brought me very deep and low in my mind, 
and I found the [Divine] fear to operate as a foun¬ 
tain of life, preserving me more from the snares of 
sin and death than the many years of will-worship 


JOHN CONRAN. 


19 


I had been in the practice of. I could now say, 
from an awful experience, that my Redeemer lived, 
was a God near at hand and not afar off, and that 
He was of purer eyes than to behold sin of any 
kind with any degree of approbation. I returned 
home much humbled, was often in retired silence, 
and diligently searched the scriptures to find some 
relief to my troubled mind; and I can bear my 
testimony' to them, that they are the scriptures of 
the Spirit of Truth, given forth of old time by holy 
men of old as they were inspired of the Holy 
Ghost; the same Divine Spirit bearing witness to 
them in my spirit, and opening to me counsel and 
instruction, to my edification and comfort. 

It was now that the Lord’s judgments were 
revealed in my earth, that I might thereby learn 
righteousness, all my sins and my transgressions, 
which were many, were set in order before me; it 
appeared that a book of remembrance had been 
kept on high, and that nothing was forgotten. Oh ! 
the terrors of those days, when the righteous Judge 
of quick and dead sat in judgment in my soul, 
arrayed in terrible majesty and power, not only to 
search out the most hidden things, as if nothing 
was to escape His all-seeing eye, but I was made 
livingly sensible He had the power to cast into 
hell. Day after day uttered speech, and night 
after night declared knowledge, that there was no 


20 


THE LIFE OF 


repentance in the grave, the repentance and re¬ 
mission must be done in these bodies; for hours I 
have been on my knees with uplifted hands, asking 
for mercy, and sometimes apparently brought to 
the brink of everlasting death before I could feel 
remission of sin. My duty to my parents was 
brought into inquisition, and I had to make a close 
inquiry, in great fear, as they were both dead, and 
no recompense in my power; but I had the peace¬ 
ful answer to make on the scrutiny, that I had not 
ever wilfully disobliged or behaved undutifully to 
them. Oh ! ye children, let me entreat it of you, 
in the fear of the Lord, “ obey your parents in the 
Lord, for this is well-pleasing” in his holy sight; 
and you who act in a light manner by your parents, 
and trouble them by your disobedient conduct, I 
am persuaded of it, you will have to answer for 
it in this world, or in that which is to come. 

Now, to speak on a subject that such numbers, 
whom I prefer to myself in acquired knowledge and 
natural understanding, place so great dependence 
upon, is hard for me; yet I cannot easily avoid re¬ 
lating my experience of that formal profession I 
made, when all my deeds of righteousness (so called) 
and unrighteousness w T ere brought before the great 
tribunal that was now set up in my heart. I saw 
that when the true church fled into the wilderness, 
and the great red dragon cast out his floods of per- 


JOHN CONRAN. 


21 


secution after her, there was a place prepared for 
her there for a time, times [and half a time ;] that 
then the wisdom of men got into dominion, and sat 
as antichrist in the temple of man’s heart, where 
Christ before had sat and ruled as the Head of His 
church. Then they apostatized from the true faith, 
which was his Divine gift to his church, and having 
lost the light in the darkness of the human under¬ 
standing, they set up a form of godliness, denying 
the power that can only produce it; and instead of 
the true and living faith which was once delivered 
to the saints, they established creeds and forms of 
prayer, like the kerchiefs we read of that fitted 
every stature, that suited every state and condi¬ 
tion ; thereby turning the people from feeling their 
own states and conditions as they were in the sight 
of God, (who, perhaps, was at the same time judg¬ 
ing them secretly) to trust to prayers and supplica¬ 
tions made ready for them some hundred years 
before they were born ; when the Divine Spirit, 
who willeth not the death of him that dieth, was 
ready to make intercession for them, not in a set 
form of words aptly joined together, but in sighs 
and groans which no other could utter for them. 

And as to prayers in a set form being presented 
at the Throne of Grace by unregenerate man, who 
is in a state of moral turpitude—I am persuaded 
they are an abomination to God, and will not meet - 


22 


THE LIFE OF 


his acceptance. First make the tree good, and the 
fruit will be good also; but it is Christ alone, the 
good Husbandman, that can make the tree good, 
and then He will eat of the fruit. I was in the prac¬ 
tice, night and morning, of saying prayers in the 
form, in as humble a manner as I knew how. This 
was borne with in the days of my ignorance ; but 
when in the light, I saw how will-worship was not 
acceptable in His holy sight, and had forsaken it, 
this practice remained ; and one night, as I was on 
my knees, I felt such a terror take hold of me, that 
I quickly rose, and never dare afterwards proceed 
in the same formal manner of praying. When the 
true church came out of the wilderness, which she 
has done in these latter days, she came out leaning 
on the breast of her Beloved —laying aside all useless 
forms and ceremonies that do not profit the comers 
thereunto, and solely depending upon the immediate 
teachings of the Grace of God and the revelations 
of His Holy Spirit; thereby antichrist was dispos¬ 
sessed of his rule and government in the church, and 
Christ took to Himself his own power and authority 
to rule and govern, who appoints His own servants, 
qualifying them for the several uses and purposes 
which He in His holy wisdom has allotted, sending 
them forth, and telling them, “ Freely ye have re¬ 
ceived, freely give; ” these seek no man’s silver or 
gold, or apparel, but serve their own necessities, 


JOHN CONRAN. 


23 


and those of others, by the labour of their hands. 
Although I had suffered deeply, as I thought, in the 
hour of judgment and of burning, yet those things 
which I had suffered were only as a beginning of 
sorrows; the ground of the heart was not to be 
lightly turned up, the gospel plough was to be in¬ 
troduced, and the fallow ground broken up, and I 
was to sow no more among thorns: the terrors of 
God’s judgments were often set before my mind, 
and made such deep impressions as I believe will 
never be erased. It is a truth past all contradiction 
with me, that the Divine Spirit will not dwell in a 
temple which He has not previously cleansed in a 
great degree. I speak now to you, my beloved 
brethren and sisters, who have in your own experi¬ 
ence known your measure of the depths of Satan, 
and have been brought out of Egypt with a high 
hand and an outstretched arm, and have known 
Christ’s baptism to be with fire and the Holy 
Ghost, and that it is the baptism which only and 
alone affords the answer of a. good conscience 
towards God, and cleanses both flesh and spirit. 

To relate m uch more of the inscrutable judgments 
of God, which are past finding out but in the expe¬ 
rience of them, may not be needful for me to do at 
present. I may say that “ day after day uttered 
speech, and night after night declared knowledge’" 
—quietness succeeded these fearful voices uttered 


24 


THE LIFE OF 


from the mount, not through or by man, in it he 
had no share or portion; remission of the past 
seemed to [be spoken] in this quiet frame, and a 
voice to say, “ go and do so no more.” I was now 
brought into the school of Christ, in order to be 
instructed by Him in the law that was to be the 
government, through Him, of my future life ; the 
old wine was poured out, the old heavens were 
rolled up as a scroll, I willingly surrendered them 
to the fire. I conferred no longer with flesh and 
blood, but gave up to the heavenly vision, and bowed 
down my ear to instruction, for He spoke now as 
never man spake ; instead of whetting His glitter¬ 
ing sword, and laying hold of judgment, He became 
my shepherd, and drew me to follow Him in the 
new way by the Shepherd’s crook of His love, some¬ 
times leading me into green pastures, refreshing my 
poor disconsolate mind. Then it was I thought 1 
would joyfully run the way of His commandments 
and never be weary : here I would gladly have ta¬ 
bernacled, but I was to go down from the mount, 
and pass through the winter season, and mourn 
the absence of Him whom my soul was now taught 
to love, for the savour of His ointment was delight¬ 
ful unto me. 

The same Divine principle [of light and life] 
which led me out of the forms and ceremonies to 
worship the Father in spirit and in truth, also led* 


JOHN CONRAN. 


25 


me by its secret teachings into a straight and narrow 
way, as to all superfluities in dress and address ; 
and knowing in whom I had believed, the same hath 
preserved me in it to this day, and I trust will do 
so to the end, as there is no variableness with Him. 
Simplicity of dress and address is becoming an 
humble follower of a crucified Saviour, whose gar¬ 
ment or vesture was so unlike the fashions of that 
day, that they cast lots for it as a curiosity, for it 
was without seam. There is a cross to many among 
us in these things, as the practice of them declares 
to the beholders whose disciples we profess to be; 
and although all power in heaven and earth is given 
unto Him, yet, because the world in their foolish 
vain hearts despise the wisdom of God in these 
things, intended to crucify us to the spirit of the 
world, and the pomps and vanities of it, they are 
ashamed of the cross, and would rather enjoy the 
pleasures of a sinful world, which are only for a 
season, than to suffer affliction with the people of 
God in the scoflings of the world. Although I 
knew that [the Quakers] held these testimonies, 
and that they were outward marks of union with 
them, nevertheless I was desirous to know the 
ground of them in myself, and not to take up any 
thing in which such great salvation was concerned, 
but from a clear conviction that it was from the 


26 


THE LIFE OF 


living foundation God hath laid in my heart, and 
not man. 

The practice and use of the plain langnage is 
consonant with the rules of grammar and the lan¬ 
guage of holy men of old, as the Scriptures hear 
testimony; yet I was desirous to prove all things, 
to bring them to the standard of truth in my heart, 
and if they stood the measure of that, to cleave to 
them. I began to use this language sometimes, and 
at other times not, when in my infancy: my near 
kinsfolk, I heard, said I was beside myself, therefore 
it was a cross to use it in their presence ; but deny¬ 
ing the cross brought sorrow and weakness along 
with it, and a fear, that if I went down the steps of 
Jacob’s ladder I should find it more difficult to re¬ 
cover the ground I had lost than even to ascend to 
another step. The prospect of the glorious crown 
of righteousness that was set before me as attainable 
through faithfulness, encouraged me to press for¬ 
ward ; as I endeavoured to do so I grew stronger, 
the yoke became easier, the burden light; and when 
through inadvertence an omission occurred, (for 
afterwards I never dared wilfully to transgress,) I 
always felt wounded in my spirit. 

The change in my dress was a great cross, as I 
w r a.s always given to fashionable dresses, and at this 
time had sundry suits of apparel of this sort. I felt 
a solemn covering to come over my spirit early 


JOHN CONRAN. 


27 


one morning, whilst in bed, which drew me into 
deep silence and attention, when I felt it required 
of me to conform to the simple appearance of 
Christ’s followers ; His garment was all of a piece, 
so ought mine to be, of a piece with my speech, my 
life and conversation. This felt to me a severe 
stroke ; no shelter was now left for me, but I must 
appear as a fool to the world, my speech and then 
my garments would betray me that I had been with 
Christ, and professed myself to be one of His dis¬ 
ciples. I wept bitterly, and pleaded the cross it 
would be to me before my friends and acquaintance, 
with the loss it would be to me in my present clothes; 
but all was silence to my complaints, and the leaven 
worked in the lump till the whole man was leavened 
into submission, and then I ran the way of His 
commandments with joy and alacrity of heart, so 
much so that I have heard in passing some people 
say they would give their oath I was a Quaker. 
Oh! saith my spirit, that all the family were so 
conspicuous, even in the outside, that they might 
be known thereby whose they are! 

Another testimony we hold is, that we cannot 
with a good conscience, contribute in any wise to 
support the ministry of any church whatever, who 
derive their maintenance from their service at the 
altar: because w r e believe Christ is in this day the 
head of the true church militant, that His promise 


28 


THE LIFE OF 


made to it before He ascended to his Father, “ Lo, 
I am with you always, even to the end of the 
world,” has been fulfilled, and is in this very day 
fulfilling, His Divine presence being felt where 
two, three, or more of His living children are met 
and assembled in His name. This being a truth 
that we fully believe, we are feelingly made sensi¬ 
ble that He, the head of this body, qualifies and 
sends forth servants and handmaids, as of old, to 
minister, preparing them for His work and service, 
by various dispensations, baptisms and spiritual 
washings, and hands to them the bread which He 
has broken and blessed, and they have to hand it 
to the multitude, without any addition of their 
own. And these knowing in whom they have be¬ 
lieved, will neither pay nor receive wages of any 
man, as the price of their labour; they are per¬ 
suaded that He whom they serve is faithful and 
true, and having received their ministry without 
fee or reward, they freely give it, looking to Him 
who sent them for their recompense, which is the 
sheaf of peace in their bosom. I was willing to 
bear my testimony on account of tithes, the cross 
was freely submitted to : I had formerly made 
agreement for my tithes at forty shillings per 
annum, during the incumbency, the bargain was 
not done away, and my hay being in cock, and a 
large quantity within the power of a large river, 


JOHN CONRAN. 


29 


made me very uneasy, so that I wished the proc¬ 
tor would take his demand ; there it lay, I believe, 
two or three weeks, and I did not feel at liberty 
to draw it till the bargain with the proctor was 
vacated. He readily gave me my liberty, telling 
me he expected nothing else from me, and he took 
that season, I think, twelve or thirteen meadow 
cocks for his forty shillings, which might be worth 
upwards of ten pounds. 

Upon reading this account, some unbelieving 
person may query, how did I know but the subtle 
adversary had put on the appearance of an angel 
of light, and had deceived me ? I answer such an 
one in the words of our blessed Lord, wdiich are 
the words of truth ; He says, “ My sheep know 
my voice, and follow me, and the voice of a stran¬ 
ger they will not follow moreover we are desired 
to follow after the things which make for peace, 
and things whereby we may edify one another: 
now I never found anything but peace as the con¬ 
sequence of unswerving obedience in these parti¬ 
culars. 

I have now given a brief recital of the cause I 
had to unite in religious fellowship with those with 
whom I have since continued to walk, subject to 
many scoffings and mockings from some of my 
kindred, as well as from many others, and was 
mercifully enabled not to turn my cheek from the 


30 


THE LIFE OF 


smiter, but to bear them for His sake, who suffered 
more and worse, from sinful and perverse men. 
I rejoice and give thanks to my merciful Redeem¬ 
er, that He has in mercy called me from the re¬ 
ceipt of custom, and has given me a portion in 
His service, and fellowship with His people ; and 
I write these things hoping they may be blessed 
to some wayfaring traveller in the same road, that 
they may become as way-marks to them, and show 
thereby that it is not an unbeaten path, but others 
have travelled it before them, and found safety. 


JOHN CONRAN. 


31 


CHAPTER. IT. 

1773. HIS PREPARATION FOR THE MINISTRY- 

TRAVELS AS GUIDE TO ESTHER TUKE—ALSO 
WITH MARY ROBINSON AND BARBARA DREWRY 

-HIS FIRST APPEARANCES IN THE MINISTRY- 

ACCOMPANIES CHRISTIANA HUSTLER AND PIIEBE 
MARSHALL. 

In some of those seasons of deep baptism before 
related, it Used to spread upon my mind that the 
Lord had a service for me, to make use of me in 
His church and family, which brought a great fear 
over my mind lest Satan, (whose power in deceiv¬ 
ing I was now measurably acquainted with) should 
put on the appearance of an angel of light [and 
deceive me], and so I should become a vessel 
marred upon the wheel. The preparation of the 
heart in man, and the answer of the tongue in 
this arduous concern, must be of the Lord alone; 
man must give up his wisdom, and his acquired 
knowledge must be submitted to Divine direction, 
and only such parts retained as Divine wisdom may 
see meet to make use of, although it may make us 
appear as fools to those who before thought other- 


32 


THE LIFE OF 


wise of us. Yet this state is afforded us in mercy, 
to humble us, that we may depend upon nothing 
of our own, or of former knowledge of doctrines, 
unless we feel them renewed in the life and Spirit; 
that thereby all our fresh springs in and to service, 
maybe in Him our Head and holy high-priest. What 
humiliations are requisite to bring us to that stand¬ 
ard which God is pleased to teach of His ways! 
And how unwilling are too many to come up to 
this standard to be measured by it! But when His 
righteous judgments are in the earth, it is then, 
and then only, we are willing to learn righteousness. 
In this important engagement it may be said, He 
leadeth Israel as a flock, and bringeth them often¬ 
times into green pastures, and causeth them therein 
to lie down as at noon. This indeed is a great 
mystery which the worldly-minded professor know- 
eth not, neither can, because it is only spiritually 
discerned, and by them for whom it is prepared. 
This was the case with the disciples formerly, when 
it w'as said, “ Unto you it is given to know the 
mysteries of God’s kingdom, but to the world in 
parables.” The true ministers go forth without 
script or purse, without depending on anything but 
the call to present service; they do not think 
former experiences, nor yet the concurrence of their 
brethren and sisters, (the laying on of the hands 
of the elders,) a sufficient qualification to officiate 


JOHN CONRAN. 


33 


in the church ; but have to wait for the fresh anoint¬ 
ing if it may be afforded, if not they are silent, 
and wait on their Lord and Master girded, till He 
is served. And so godly jealous are these bap¬ 
tized servants of the honour of their Lord, that 
they neither look for nor receive wages or hire 
from any other hand but His; they are willing 
to spend their own, and be spent in health and 
constitution, in His service, knowing that when 
He comes His reward of peace is w T ith Him. 

After being near two years in this school of reli¬ 
gious experience, in which I thought I had made 
some proficiency, and feeling a degree of justifica¬ 
tion to succeed the dispensation of condemnation, 
■which also had its glory, I thought the time was 
near at hand that I should be called upon to invite 
others to come and try for themselves how good 
the Lord is to those that love and fear Him. In 
meetings I used at times to feel the Word of Life 
dwelling in my heart, and a flow of language living 
there, as if addressed to sundry states present, but 
dared not venture to utter it in words, and I do 
not recollect I felt any discouragement for not 
doing it. In managing my outward business, in 
the garden and fields by myself, I sometimes have 
felt a living language in my heart as if I were 
addressing an assembly of people, and it used to 
begin so imperceptibly to me, that it would be 
3 


u 


THE L IE E OF 


moving some minutes before I would turn my at¬ 
tention to it, iad wnen \ did, it increased so much 
as to bubble ur like a spring and break me into 
tears, and left a sweet savour of peace and comfort 
behind. These were 1 believe only the first-fruits 
of the Spirit, and the ministration of preparation 
for the important work of the ministry, and which 
I fear some have mistaken for the work itself, and so 
have been born before the time, and have not been 
of that use and service to the church they were other¬ 
wise designed for. The prophet Elijah (I believe) 
was tried with somewhat of a similar dispensation 
in the Mount, but was mercifully saved from going 
forth, till he heard the “still small voice” distinctly 
inquiring of him what he did there. With some 
the fire is too hot, and they flinch from the hour 
of His judgments before the vessel is fully burned; 
these cannot contain the new wine, become leaky, 
and suffer it to run out and be spilt, to the injury 
of the family, and their own great hurt. Such 
should return again to the Potter’s house, be put 
upon the wheel and become as the passive clay, 
willing to be formed and fashioned into such vessels 
as the great Potter may see meet and fitting for 
His own use. These prospects to me of service 
died away, though I received much encouragement 
from some Friends with whom I travelled in their 
service for Truth, as well as by letters from others, 


JOHN CONRAN. 


35 


but they never caused me to exercise a gift I had 
not as yet received; I was exceedingly jealous over 
myself, that I should not be a vessel marred on the 
wheel, therefore covering my head with my mantle, 
I waited for the still small voice, I believe full three 
years after, but in the meantime was not left com¬ 
fortless. The work of regeneration was going 
forward, and living experiences often fell to my lot 
in travelling, which was very frequent in this nation, 
but I think I never once declared them publicly. 
I kept carefully to meetings, save sickness prevent¬ 
ing me, it -was a duty impressed on my mind at 
an early period, and I think I can say I never suf¬ 
fered the cares of the world to stand in the way of 
it; and though I gave up many opportunities in 
which others amassed large property, yet when at 
liberty to make use of my time, I was diligent in 
my business, procured a sufficiency for my family, 
and was enabled to entertain strangers who came 
to my house. 

But when the time was approaching that I should 
publicly tell to others what the Lord had done for 
my soul, it was preceded by a long and dreary wil¬ 
derness travel, no dew nor rain, so that I was made 
willing in this encampment to submit to anything, 
if the cloud might be removed from the tabernacle, 
and the bright flame once more appear as the signal 
to move on. Wonderful indeed are all the Lord’s 


86 


THE LIFE OF 


ways, and past our finding out by even former 
experiences, only by standing still to see the salva¬ 
tion of God. In this depressed frame of mind I 
went to a neighbouring meeting where there were 
to be two women Friends from England. In the 
afternoon meeting, I felt the burden of the Word 
as a fire, and after resisting it a great part of the 
meeting, I stood up with these words which our 
blessed Lord used when he wept over Jerusalem, 
“Oh! Jerusalem, Jerusalem,thou that killest the pro¬ 
phets,&c., and sat down in such peace as I think 
I never felt before, which continued the rest of the 
evening, under a solemn covering. I accompanied 
the said Friends in their journey northward, and 
did not speak again in public for some weeks, till 
we came to Ballymurry, where my mouth was again 
opened in a short testimony, and in so great weak¬ 
ness ( that I often thought there was scarcely ever 
a child born in so weak a condition ; I was so long 
in finding my feet to be able to go alone, that for 
years after when I had a concern to go abroad, I 
attached myself to some traveller, for I thought 
myself pretty secure under their wing. v In this 
weak state I was mercifully dealt with, for what 
was given me to say would be repeated in my heart 
very many times before I could stand up to deliver 
it, and the Friends with whom I travelled were 
made easy with my company, so as to admit me 


JOHN CONRAN. 


37 


willingly. I can say I had a merciful and good 
Master to serve, who condescended oftentimes to 
the low estate of His servant, and bore with my 
many infirmities. 

I was received a member of Lisburn Monthly 
Meeting in the year 1T73, from that to the year 
1775, my mind was under deep exercise, and various 
probations, learning the law written on my heart. 

[In the year 1774, he accompanied Esther Tuke, 
of York, then , on religious service in Ireland, to 
some meetings, to good satisfaction, who soon after 
her return home, thus writes to him.] 

From Esther Tuke to John Conran. 
Esteemed Friend, 

It will, perhaps, not be unacceptable to be in¬ 
formed of my safe return to my own habitation, 
little more than a week ago, rest seems pleasant 
after the constant fatigue of travelling, and close 
exercise to both body and mind ; but though tra¬ 
velling is attended with many difficulties to me, yet 
in remembrance of the help that was afforded, and 
the many preservations I witnessed in this long 
journey, I can say hard things were made easy, and 
bitter cups sweetened, and many favours bestowed 
beyond my deserts by a bountiful Giver, who is 
worthy to be obeyed in the smallest and greatest 
of His requirings. 


THE LIFE OF- 


I have often remembered thee since we parted, 
with strong desires that stability and faithfulness 
may be the girdle of thy loins, pure wisdom thy 
guide in the path I trust thy feet have been turned 
into, which leads through the wilderness and Jordan 
to a settlement in the land of promise, which I doubt 
not thou hast at times had a sight of. Various, 
according to our different dispositions, are the dis¬ 
pensations, Infinite Wisdom sees necessary for us 
to pass through in this journey from Egypt to Ca¬ 
naan, but all for this great end, to reduce self, and 
thoroughly purify from all uncleanness, both of flesh 
and spirit, subdue the evil, make all things new and 
all things of Him: great is the work, and many 
have known it right begun, have entered into the 
way, and run well for a time, but one thing or an¬ 
other has hindered. Some have been like the young 
man who came to inquire what further good thing 
he should do, and turned away sorrowful at the 
information, “ Sell all”—here is indeed the trial, 
all that treasure we have got, be it our own wisdom, 
righteousness, or whatever else, it must be parted 
with, and the innocent, sweet, simple, child-like state 
experienced which desires the sincere milk of the 
word, that their growth may be thereby. May thy 
growth be this way, from a child’s state, to man’s, 
&c., then will the great end of the Lord in so signally 
calling thee be answered, to His glory and thine 


JOHN CONRAN. 


39 


own everlasting peace ; for then will thou be formed 
for Himself, and will show forth Ilis praise. But 
beware of notions, dear friend, and feeding on the 
tree of knowledge, it remains to be forbidden fruit 
which a cunning subtle adversary presents ; the 
Lord’s servants are the poor in spirit, the meek, 
whose joy is increased in Him, who have no might 
of their own, have nothing, and can do nothing, but 
as fresh strength from Him is administered. 

Thy sincere friend, 

Esther Tuke. 

Two women friends, Mary Robinson and Barbara 
D re wry, came here in the course of their religious 
service, and feeling my mind drawn to accompany 
them to several meetings in this province [Ulster,] 
I did so ; and went with them to Dublin, and from 
thence through the two provinces of Leinster and 
Munster, of which journey the following are some 
extracts:— 

1775 —Sixth Month 12th .—I went to meeting 
at Hillsborough, with my dear friends, B. D. and 
M. R., and unexpectedly during the ministry of 
B. D., apprehended myself called upon to proceed 
with them, which I did to Stramore, Moyallen, 
Lurgan, &c. [After speaking of a fear possessing his 
mind lest by engaging in this journey he should be 
running in his own strength, and incurring the cen- 


40 


THE LIFE OF 


sure of some of his friends, he relates that on the 
road these cloudy feelings seemed to be dispelled, 
and peace restored to his mind, and says] I hope I 
am thankful that I was preserved, willing to give up 
to the Master’s requirings, though I left my busi¬ 
ness and family unprepared for such a journey, but 
I was preserved pretty much in resignation. 

20th .—Whilst in Newry I met with some people 
of business, with whom I had some conversation, 
which I thought left me weaker ; upon leaving the 
town I felt a [temptation] in myself almost to deny 
my profession, and was quite ashamed of the com¬ 
pany,plainness,and simplicity of myself and friends, 
which I told them of; and a lesson may be read in 
this to myself and others, how they or I hold too 
close a conversation with the world, or the things 
thereof, which weaken the hands of the sons of 
Zion. We went forward in our journey, and were 
at times favoured with a sweet and open conversa¬ 
tion, and permitted that freedom in it as to relate 
many things that I believe were advantageous to 
each other. I thought I found my dear friend, 
B. Drewry, often had a polishing effect upon me, 
and her remarks on and corrections of my weak¬ 
ness and faults, were wonderfully refreshing and 
comforting, which made me not repine at my 
journey, which was a truly satisfactory one to me. 

In our way from Ross to Clonmell, we were accom- 


JOHN CONRAN. 


41 


panied by divers Friends, some of whom seemed, I 
thought like the bullock unused to the yoke; their 
behaviour, though innocent, indicated such confu¬ 
sion and want of regularity, that it gave me much 
pain and disquiet, and though I used some care to 
keep still at times, yet the contagion was catching. 
On this and other occasions I have found myself 
very much weakened by being in mixed companies, 
especially those who have felt or known little of dis¬ 
cipline in themselves; for I am ready to conceive, as 
it regards myself, that the conversation of such 
fastens upon me, and by giving w r ay to it, by degrees, 
and that almost insensibly, I become in measure 
leavened into a like spirit, which is a cause of pain 
and disquiet to my mind—to feel disorder instead 
of stillness, which I esteem one of the safest habi¬ 
tations to dwell in. I hope this observation may be 
of use to me, and the effect produced a merciful 
warning to abstain from mixed companies, and from 
those whose minds have never been regulated, and 
brought into some degree of order, as my strength 
in measure consists (when in company) in remem¬ 
bering in whose presence I am, and carefully to 
watch my lips, that my conversation may be known 
to be permitted to me, and to attend to the pointings 
in my mind for that permission. When this is care¬ 
fully attended to, I am often in silence which I think 
gives strength, and when conversation is brought on 


42 


THE LIFE OF 


in this line, it is edifying, and leaves a savour on the 
mind that is refreshing. On the contrary, I have 
experienced that a free conversation promoted by 
answering every question asked in such mixed com¬ 
panies, leads the mind insensibly beyond the proper 
w r atch, into such a variety of subjects, the canvass¬ 
ing of which the regulated mind has not any business 
with; after such a conversation, I have felt myself 
reduced to weakness, confusion, and disorder, and 
at times have been almost ready to faint in spirit. 

J Eighth Month 3 d .—Meeting at Ballinakill. 
The same sort of dryness and barrenness, was ex¬ 
perienced here as in other places, which makes me 
ready almost to conclude the fault to be in myself, 
and that I am denied that sense of feeling, which 
I formerly had, for some reason which Wisdom can 
unravel, not being conscious of any falling away 
on my side; but the great Master knows best, 
therefore may His will be done. This meeting 
w T as held in silence, and pretty many strangers 
were at it and behaved themselves well. 

6th .—Monthly Meeting at Mountrath. How 
shall I be able to express the feelings of the visita¬ 
tion I had last night! I believe none can conceive 
it, but those who have experienced the like. To be 
admitted to a freedom, if I dare say so, of commun¬ 
ing with the Great Master, the Beloved of my 
soul, of asking favours and questions; and the glow 


JOHN CONRAN. 


43 


of love and favour that surrounded me for about an 
hour, I think I cannot express suitably. Surely I 
never can do enough for so good and kind a Master, 
and hope I shall never be tired of running His 
errands, and that He will be pleased to give me 
strength to give up all for His great name’s sake. 
[He describes the meeting as having been one of 
close and deep exercise, but that through favour the 
cloud which seemed to envelope it, was gradually 
dispelled, light broke forth, and the testimony of 
Truth, rose above the dark spirits of some of the 
people, and after relating a part of B. D.’s weighty 
communication therein, goes on to say]—the 
Friend observed in her testimony, that a heavy or 
dark cloud hung over this nation, and that a sifting 
day would be afforded to the people, when the foun¬ 
dations of many would be tried, and that none would 
stand but those which w’ere laid on the Rock im¬ 
movable, the everlasting Rock, which was Christ. 
That whether they would be tried by the sword, by 
the famine, or the pestilence, she knew not, but that 
many would in the day of trial, find their covers too 
little for them, and that the chaff would be sepa¬ 
rated from the wheat. These prophetic warnings 
I have heard more than once, and have felt them 
sealed in my mind, and if I may compare the state 
of the Lord’s visited ones, to the present state of 
the church and society in this nation, we often find 


44 


THE LIFE OF 


trying dispensations are afforded to the visited to 
cause them to draw nearer to Him, whom they 
have always experienced to be a ready help in the 
day of trouble. And if the church and people are 
tried with outward persecution, it may be a means 
of making them draw near to Him who is willing 
to draw near to them, since they will neither hear 
the reproofs of instruction inwardly nor instrumen- 
tally. I think Truth was triumphant over darkness 
[in the meeting], which was a comfortable experi¬ 
ence to my hungry and thirsty soul, which had in 
many meetings been baptized in the cloud, into 
death and darkness. 

Eight Month 8th .—Arrived this morning in 
Dublin, where I left my dear companions, and 
returned home. In this journey, I had not any¬ 
thing to say in any meeting, for worship or disci¬ 
pline, yet I believe it was a profitable time to me, 
of improvement, having my spiritual faculties exer¬ 
cised, and a further degree of strength and expe¬ 
rience afforded to bear the assults and buffettings 
of my unwearied enemy. Some thought I had 
better learn this at home; but we are differing in 
our spiritual constitutions, as in our natural, and the 
treatment for one does not answer for all. I was 
drawn forth to this journey I apprehended by the 
great Physician, on the approach of the great linen- 
market in Dublin, the profits of which I resigned, 


JOHN CONRAN. 


45 


and left my goods at home to the disappointment 
of my customers who wanted them ; and if I lost 
that advantage, I had the rich reward of peace in 
my bosom. 

At the half-year’s meeting, the summer of this 
year, I fell into company with a young woman, 
Louisa Strangman ; the first time I saw her at a 
Friend’s house, I felt, in silence, a strong draft 
of love more than natural, and a secret intimation 
impressed my mind that she would be my wife ; this 
I hid in my heart, and it was nearly two years 
before I felt at liberty to disclose it to any one, 
waiting as I apprehended the Lord’s time to com¬ 
municate it: in this interval there was a Friend 
closely addressing her, but my firstimpressionskept 
me easy under it. And when I felt the way open 
to proceed in it at that time, it was nearly six years 
after this before we were married ; this was a sea¬ 
son in the Lord’s hand of deep exercise and great 
trial of my faith and patience, as the prospect I 
had at first was often totally obliterated, and when 
these would be almost gone, it would again revive 
with a degree of clearness, to my great consolation. 
I held out to the end, and was crowned with a 
wife who proved the richest earthly blessing I was 
ever favoured with, a true yoke-fellow, in spiritual 
as well as temporal concerns, and who never threw 
any impediment in the way of my going on public 


46 


THE LIFE OF 


services. I write these few hints, that in this im¬ 
portant and weighty engagement, we should have 
our eye turned to the Light; [of Christ’s Spirit] 
if we expect that favour from the Lord, a good 
wife, who is indeed a crown to her husband ! 

In the many discouragements inwardly from 
Satan, to discourage me from embracing the new and 
living way, which had now been opened in measure 
to my view, was the prospect of great sufferings, 
perhaps death itself, and in these days of darkness, 
and the shadow of death, human nature recoiled, 
and I was at times brought very low, [ready to say] 
“ How shall I stand if these things befall me ? I 
fear I shall surely give way, and lose all!” But 
Divine mercy w T as extended to me, by showing me 
that what appears impossible to man, is possible 
with God. As I sat in the back part of Lisburn 
meeting, which w r as held in silence, I felt the love 
of God extended to me in so powerful a manner, as 
to dedicate my soul and body to His service, and 
under the living impressions of it to say, “ Do with 
me, 0 Lord, wilt thou wilt, I am willing to suffer 
death for thy name sake;” for death had then no 
terrors in it for me, the fear of death was sw r allow r ed 
up in victory. It w T as then I could account for the 
noble stand the martyrs made, who, in opposition to 
the torments which cruel and unreasonable men had 
subjected them to,heldfasttheirintegrity;andIfelt 


JOHN CONRAN. 


47 


from my experience of the foregoing, that the Lord 
by His enlivening and consolating presence was 
with them, as He was with the three children in the 
burning fiery furnace, and crowned them with a 
crown of everlasting righteousness, eternal in the 
heavens ; and not only them, but all those who love, 
honour, and obey the Lord, their righteousness. 

I staid about home I think in the year 1776, 
but was diligent in attending meetings at home, and 
the national half year’s meeting. In 1778 and 
1779,1 was not much from home on Truth’s ac¬ 
count ; I attended some meetings with Samuel 
Spavold, Isaac Gray, and Thomas Carrington, to 
my satisfaction. There was a national visit ap¬ 
pointed by the Yearly Meeting in London, to the 
Monthly Meetings in Ireland, which was pretty 
fully performed by John Storer, John Townsend, 
Thomas Corbyn, Joseph Rowe, and James Back¬ 
house, to pretty good satisfaction. 

Thomas Greer to John Conran. 

Stockton, Fourth Month Yith, 1780. 

Dear John, 

As I have passed along from place to place in this 
country, I have more than once remembered thy re¬ 
quest that I would write to thee, and having a little 
leisure this evening, I sit down for that purpose. I 
got safe to Scotland on Third-day evening; next 


48 


THE LIFE OF 


morning I set forward for England, took a meeting 
at Sackside, on the First-day following, and in the 
course of that week got through the meetings in 
Northumberland, and attended their Quarterly 
Meeting. In those parts I found a living remnant in 
our Society, as well as great openness amongst many 
of those not in membership with us, many of whom 
flocked to meetings, whose appearance at first rather 
filled me with fear, but like a much greater instru¬ 
ment formerly, I was soon given to see my mistake, 
and that the Lord had a seed amongst them, to 
whom the Gospel must be preached in its own 
unmixed purity. My heart was indeed humbled 
from meeting to meeting, under renewed sensa¬ 
tions of the wonderful workings of the God of all 
grace, who is able through weak, very weak, in¬ 
struments, to carry on His great and glorious 
work; may a due sense of His manifold mercies 
to my soul, ever be the covering of my spirit! 

On the 8th inst., I got to Newcastle, where is a 
pretty large body of Friends, and where our worthy 
friend Mabel Wigham, and three other public 
Friends live ; but notwithstanding there are divers 
valuable Friends in that place, I did not fare as well 
there as among the poor mountains in Northumber¬ 
land ; yet was favoured with an open door amongst 
them, both in the fore and afternoon meetings ; but 
experience has taught me, that even in those places, 


JOHN CONRAN. 


49 


where the people are favoured with a living min¬ 
istry, by their calling for, and relying upon help 
from the servants, they fall away from the life of 
religion in themselves, by forsaking the free Foun¬ 
tain of living waters, and hewing to themselves 
cisterns very liable to be broken, and at best can 
contain no living water, but what they immedi¬ 
ately receive and scatter at the word of command; 
the utmost intention of which is, to direct the en¬ 
quiring mind to the Fountain of light, life and 
wisdom in themselves, that great mystery hid from 
ages, but now mercifully revealed, Christ in His 
people the hope of their glory. 

From Newcastle I proceeded to North Shields, 
their Monthly meeting being there next day, thence 
by Sunderland, Shotton, Durham, Auckland, and 
Staindrop meetings, I got to Darlington, and staid 
over their two meetings yesterday; as I mentioned 
before I have abundant cause to be thankful that 
Best Help has not forsaken, but from meeting to 
meeting, and also at many other seasons, has been 
felt near, to the comfort and strengthening of my 
mind to pursue the line of duty which opened in 
prospect before I left home. Having now got 
through this country, I purpose going into Yorkshire 
to-morrow, and taking about eighteen meetings in 
that county, 'which lie nearest the sea-coast, and 
then set my face towards London, if enabled to 
4 


50 


THE LIFE OF 


do so. I may inform thee, I have been poorly in 
health ever since I got into England, occasioned by 
the exceeding cold weather, and high east wind with 
snow; but through mercy, I have hitherto been 
enabled to get along, without any loss of time, or 
pain in riding, save when the cough comes on, and 
I trust I shall be enabled to get through the rest of 
the journey in the same manner ; having renewed 
cause to believe I am under the care of Him who 
numbers the hairs of the head, and without whose 
notice a sparrow cannot fall to the ground. And 
notwithstanding He in His wisdom tries the faith 
of His depending children, in order to enlarge their 
experience, and thereby further qualifies them for 
the labour and service of the day, yet will not for¬ 
sake those whose dependence is singly fixed on Him, 
and have no confidence in anything but the all-suffi¬ 
cient help of that Arm which brings salvation. 

With dear love to thyself, and any inquiring 
friends to whom thou thinks it will be acceptable, 
I remain thy loving friend, 

Thomas Greer. 

In the year 1780, I joined Christiana Hustler 
and Phebe Marshall in the course of their religious 
service, and continued with them throughout from 
Lurgan till they took shipping the following Second 
Month at Dublin; I passed through many exercising 




JOHN CONRAN, 


51 


baptisms, occasioned by weakness and fears in the 
exercise of a small gift I had received in the min¬ 
istry, in which their company was serviceable to me. 
I left home Sixth Month 2d, to join the Friends 
at Stramore, under a full persuasion that it was my 
duty to do so: let none think I had not necessary 
avocations to call me to another line, for our great 
[linen] fair in Dublin "was within a few days of 
commencing, and though I was assisted by having 
orders for some of my goods, yet I had a consider¬ 
able share left on hand to sell, and that the most 
unsaleable part I suppose ; the appearance of these 
things was troublesome to me, but I was mercifully 
helped through this difficulty. I wish Friends may 
deal gently with those who may feel these puttings 
forth,especially where their conduct in most respects 
is orderly ; for the exercise the enemy is permitted 
to raise against these things is very trying, and if 
they have also to feel unskilful dealing, it may crush 
the broken reed, and lay it aside for a long season 
under great discouragements, as unfit for service. 
I trust I have a degree of thankfulness, and desire a 
greater share of it, to my merciful, kind and good 
Benefactor, who I believe not only required this 
offering at my hands, which costs me something, 
but also put it into the hearts of His people to 
make way for me; for my dear and beloved brethren 
of our province seemed willing to trust me out that 


52 


THE LIFE OF 


I might not he lagging behind, and a tendering time 
it was to my spirit in [mentally] bidding them fare¬ 
well on my quitting Castle Shane; though they were 
not present, yet I had a tendering and affecting 
feeling of them, in that one Spirit which I believe 
unites all those at times who drink of it. Oh ! my 
beloved friends, I most tenderly saluted you, and 
longed for the prosperity of our Zion, and you in 
particular: I was concerned for you that none of 
you might receive hurt or damage, and in the 
springings of that ancient fountain, that cannot be 
drawn dry, I thought I could have saluted you in an 
endearing epistle of gospel love : thus did my spirit 
drink of the cup of brotherly love whilst I travelled 
along, which was a comfort and consolation to me, 
and I could say many things to entice others to 
come and try for themselves, how good and kind 
the Lord is to those who love and'fear Him. 

The family visit not being quite finished in the 
bounds of Moyallen meeting when I arrived, I had 
to join the Friends concerned therein in the re¬ 
mainder, as I had also to do in the greatest part 
of Lurgan meeting ; I had a few words handed to 
me, at times, in some of the sittings, as I appre¬ 
hended, to drop amongst us, which I did in fear, 
and kept as near to the opening as I thought I 
could, and was at times favoured with the wages 
of obedience. 




JOHN CONRAN. 


53 


3CM.—At Bally murry : after I had sat a short 
time in the meeting, I felt a burden on my mind, 
which increased to be so weighty as to be difficult 
to sit under; I remained in degree still, when I 
felt some matter to appear before me, which grew 
more clear and distinct, and seemed to press for ut¬ 
terance. I reasoned with it till it passed away, when 
growing afraid, remembering the long forbearance 
of a merciful Creator, I entreated if it were a re¬ 
quiring that came from Him, that He would be 
pleased to renew the same matter afresh on my 
mind, and that I would take that as a confirmation. 
It was pretty immediately renewed as fresh as I 
could desire, but the fear got up, and I had almost 
reasoned it away again ; when I stood up, and before 
I spoke, I felt like a little fire to kindle in my breast, 
and uttered these words, u The Lord has lifted up 
an ensign to the people, and a standard for the 
nations, the standard of truth and righteousness— 
keep faithful to your testimonies, Friends, and mea¬ 
sure yourselves by this standard, and let each indi¬ 
vidual of you come up to his measure my mind 
has been favoured with rest and comfort since. 

Second Month 2nd .—Meeting at Moate. I went 
to this meeting which was large, in a good degree of 
fear, having been known there formerly, making a 
different appearance to my present. After my dear 
friend Phebe Marshall had sat down the second 


54 


THE LIFE OF 


time, I stood up, and in great fear declared, “ Oh! 
that the people were wise, that they would consider 
this, and remember their latter end. Friends, take 
not up your rest in your earthly possessions, for it 
is a false rest—a polluted rest; but turn unto 
the Lord, for in the trying day He will be as a 
staff of support to those who lean upon Him.” 
After I sat down, my beloved friend Christiana 
Hustler stood up, and declared that these words 
which had been repeated in their hearing, had been 
the companion of her mind for a considerable time. 
“ Oh! that the people were,” &c., and recommended 
the advice given. Then dear P. M. stood up and 
declared something of a like nature, which gave 
me much consolation to find the unity of my beloved 
friends. The covering of my spirit was comfortable, 
heightened by the fear I was in of taking away 
with me what I had dropped, which had tended 
to my own peace, and was fresh cause of renewed 
gratitude. 

3 rd .—Meeting at Birr, which to me was a very 
hard painful one. My dear friends had frequently 
pressed me to sit beside them in these small meet¬ 
ings, which I was not easy to give up to, and almost 
always avoided it, being afraid of offending some 
one by so doing, which made it a cross to me. In 
this meeting I was brought under an exercise on 
this account that was distressing to me and under 


JOHN CONRAN. 


55 


the weight of it I made covenant, that, if I were 
forgiven, I would use my best endeavours to come 
up in that requiring, though I felt it a very bitter 
cross, and thought it hard it should be required of 
me. I here found I was too neglectful of the advice 
of my friends, in these or like small occasions, and 
that I was preferring my own judgment, or stiff¬ 
ness, or fear of man, to their feelings. 

6th .—Meeting at Mountrath. [After alluding to 
a trying conversation that he had with a Friend 
before going to meeting, relative to his travelling, 
and which brought him into a very painful situation, 
he says] This journey so far has been of consider¬ 
able service to me, as I apprehend I have acquired 
a greater knowledge of men than I possessed before, 
which has already had a good effect on me, so as 
measurably to remove that fear of man which I 
believe too much possessed my mind, so as to hinder 
my journeying forward, to my own hurt. The 
meeting I can hardly describe, from my own feel¬ 
ings having been so broken down before it, but 
I believe I can say there was a Hand of favour 
stretched out towards me in it, having to sit the 
greatest part of it in a still quiet habitation, feeling 
my wounds to be bound up, and wine and oil to be 
in a small measure poured in, so as to confess Him 
to be the tenderest of parents and best of masters. 
Yet I believe my dear friends and fellow labourers 


56 


THE LIFE OF 


had to sit where the people sat, which I dare ven¬ 
ture to say was not in heavenly places in Christ 
Jesus ! Oh ! the threshing instruments ! they were 
used to thresh the dry and barren mountains of a 
long and empty profession; yet I believe they did 
not come down, but rather that they thought they 
were too hardly treated, their maladies were not as 
bad as they were represented, therefore it was to be 
feared the cure would not be so readily perfected. 
(The meeting held near five hours) and the Friends 
had I believe to pass through near three hours of 
painful silence, the spring lay so low, and nothing 
to draw with ; the rubbish so great, and few faithful 
labourers to lay their shoulders to the burden ! Oh ! 
ye faithless generation, what will ye do in the end ? 
will your being the children of faithful Abraham 
work out your salvation f It is sorrowful, pain¬ 
fully sorrowful, to behold these things, and I wish I 
may be mistaken in judging a spirit that I believe 
would be ready to cast stones at the servants if 
they could. 

Seventh Month 9th .—Meeting at Limerick. I 
was much afraid for some time before I reached this 
city, as thinking it to be a large meeting and fearful 
of having any thing laid on me in it. After some 
time of waiting, I thought a little matter arose, 
which from the weak state I felt myself in, I believed 
I could not give up to, therefore carried it away 


JOnN CONRAN. 


57 


with me, which brought me under a considerable 
weight and burthen. My dear companions had not 
much service in the forenoon meeting. The same 
requiring attended my mind in the evening meeting, 
and became so extremely weighty, that after a pain¬ 
ful state of waiting, I gave up to it in a broken 
stammering manner, which was more clearly and 
better explained by one of the friends taking it up, 
to my great consolation. 

12th .—Meeting at Clonmel. I am afraid a spirit 
of earthly-mindedness too much prevails in too 
many here, which fetters the mind, and prevents 
it seeking after better enjoyments: a state of re¬ 
sistance of the clay in the hands of the great 
Potter was treated with, and the danger of stand¬ 
ing out compared to rebellion, which is as the sin 
of witchcraft. 

1 6th .—Waterford meeting. After we had settled 

down into silence at-’s in the evening, a little 

matter came before me in a very lively manner, 
■which I reasoned with till it left me, and I never 
could see it any more in the light though I earnestly 
entreated for it, and in room thereof I was filled 
with doubtings and fears, and suffered a good deal 
of distress of mind. But after A. B. had opened his 
mouth my convictions reached me, that I had been 
unfaithful in not giving forth that which had been 
handed to me, the holding back of which, I believe, 



58 


THE LIFE OF 


stopped the spring in others, and was the cause of 
my punishment, which brought me into a sincere 
repentance, and I hope will be a warning to me to be 
more careful for the future. There is great danger 
in being too hasty in offering, [as well as] too slack¬ 
handed, which leads me into fear of erring on either 
hand ; but I hope for preservation as I remain in 
the child-like simplicity, either to move or stand 
still, as I find faith to believe it is required of me. 

Ninth Month 27 th .—Meeting at Athy, pretty 
select with the Friends of that meeting. When we 
w r ere here before, near the close of the meeting, I 
found it pretty strong on my mind for some time to 
request Friends to stop, as there were some of other 
societies present, but w r as backward and did not, and 
I thought this was the cause of our return here. I 
could have wished at some places Friends v T ould 
not invite their neighbours, unless particularly de¬ 
sired ; I was pained at times on that account to see 
them so indifferent, giving away to others that bread 
they had occasion for themselves, as the course of 
the testimony, I thought, frequently turned from 
the household to those who were without. 

/ 

From Esther Tuke to John Conran. 

44 York, Twelfth Month 21sf, 1780. 
Dear Friend, 

Thy groat and unexpected kindness in giving 






JOHN CONRAN. 


59 


me so satisfactory an account of thyself and my 
beloved friends Christiana Hustler and Phebe Mar¬ 
shall, demands my grateful acknowledgment. I re¬ 
ceived it a few days ago, when I was about acknow¬ 
ledging some of my transgressions, or omissions, to 
my honoured friend, Richard Shackleton, and also 
inquiring concerning our dear friends, who have 
been long the almost constant companions of my 
mind. Though writing is now more than ever an 
irksome task, and what I do very little in, except to 
my ow r n family connexions, and where duty abso¬ 
lutely requires it; yet, feeling my heart afresh 
warmed in the renewal of that love, which, though 
ancient, is ever new, I thought I w’ould not let slip 
this opportunity of saluting thee therein, and wish¬ 
ing thee w r ell on thy way. I doubt not but thy 
conflicts have been many, as thou well describes, 
in a w r aste howling wilderness in which I trust the 
carcase is fallen which cannot inherit the promised 
land, new desires and pursuits given, and the king¬ 
dom received as a little child ; in that state of sim¬ 
plicity and innocence mayst thou grow up to more 
advanced age, be more and more useful in thy 
day, and brightened and strengthened with use, 
is my sincere desire. 

Though I feel as if my travelling days were 
near over, yet I may say, of a truth if ever such a 
thing should be required as to see your land again, 


60 


THE LIFE OF 


I should be glad to be sheltered under thy roof, 
where I well remember I sensibly felt the Son of 
Peace to be. I hope divers of you will come and 
make some returns for labours, which, from year to 
year, our friends have to bestow—that going from 
house to house is trying work indeed, but the wages 
will be adequate, which I trust thou and thy com¬ 
panions have, and will experience, and that they 
will be returned to us again, when the Master hath 
said “It is enough.” If this reach thy hand whilst 
you are labouring together, salute them affection¬ 
ately in my name, it seems all the mite I can cast, 
in, feeling too much covered with the stuff to be fit 
to converse with those engaged in war. I hope to 
meet you and our worthy friends, Mary Ridgeway 
and Jane Watson, at our Quarterly Meeting at 
Leeds next week; perhaps, I may get my coat 
brushed, or get on a better, and be more fit to con¬ 
verse with my friends. M. Ridgeway’s service is very 
great, her ministry deep and searching; they are 
renewedly united, to the living remnant of the 
Lords’s people, who are thankful He still continues 
thus to visit. Our worthy friend M. R. seems to have 
brightened through her recent afflictions, as if she 
had fully experienced passing through the fining-pot 
for the silver, and furnace for the gold,and had come 
out pure. We had almost lost hope of seeing that 
great good man, Samuel Neale, and his armour- 




JOHN CONRAN. 


61 


bearer, but it revives a little through thy hint con¬ 
cerning them. I love thy companions so well as 
to desire every help and comfort for them consis¬ 
tent with the Master’s will. My dear companion 
and sister in the new relationship, C. H., and I, 
have been in some degree like bone of one bone, 
from our youth up, and I have often been more 
gratified in her enlargement in spiritual gifts than 
my own, and our love and near unity, I believe, 
will never here have an end. 

I have not time for enlargement, such as I have, 
and the best I have, I give thee, which I could wish 
better, but as thou art now at school, and day unto 
day utters speech, and nights teach knowledge, and 
not only taught by the Master, but constantly under 
the eye and nurture of His servants, (thy acknow¬ 
ledged mothers), though I am apt enough to teach, 
I hope to know my place better than to intermeddle, 
for if I had the true oil and poured it forth, it might 
justly be queried, “ "VVhy was this waste made V : I 
was glad of thy hint concerning James Christy, 
though I am far from thinking I merit the name of 
mother to so honourable a son ; my sentiments 
concur with thy pertinent remark, which felt to re¬ 
vive strength, to give them a little hint or two of 
what had long laid upon my mind. I know not 
what can excuse my great enlargement, after a 
pretended conclusion (contrary to the advices), but 


62 


THE LIFE OF 


that the worldly spirit [alluding to an order she 
gave J. C. for Irish linens, &c.] which is often first, 
if not last, with many, and had need be thought of 
by me, never came into my mind till I was about to 
finish ; however, if thou hast no better, and art still 
so well disposed as to wish a subject to write to me 
tipon, I have furnished thee with one, perhaps to 
my own profit as well as pleasure, as I shall be glad 
to hear from "thee at any time and on any occa¬ 
sion, being with the salutation of love, in which 
my husband and Henry unite, 

Thy affectionate and obliged friend, 

Esther Tuke. 

1781 .—Second Month 1$£. We arrived at Dub¬ 
lin, before and since which I have been under a con¬ 
siderable weight of exercise of spirit, having had a 
view of visiting the families of this meeting, which 
at times brought me very low, and I got very much 
discouraged in looking how it might be with me 
when I got home, lest I might meet with discourage¬ 
ment from one and another Friend ; and I was led 
through the appearances that were presented to my 
view, to doubt the foundation and almost the whole 
of my proceedings in the ministry, which cast a 
great damp upon my spirit, so far that I thought I 
would scarcely again venture to move in that ser¬ 
vice, or if I did, that my way might be so blocked 




JOHN CONRAN. 


63 


up as to shut me up in silence. I went to bed [one 
night] much under these discouraging reflections, 
but in the morning I thought a language livingly 
opened in my mind of this import, “ To do that, day 
by day, that appeared to me to do, and not to be 
looking too far forward to things that may or may 
not happenthis dispersed these gloomy clouds, 
and my spirit was engaged in the thankful acknow¬ 
ledgment to the Lord for this His merciful relief 
from the discourager. I write these few things 
that I may remember the Lord’s gracious dealings, 
and that I may be mindful not to be considering 
what men may say of me or concerning me, but 
be watchful and mindful after the work and busi¬ 
ness of the present hour and day. I thought, as 
I lay under this comfortable feeling, that I felt 
myself in a good degree set free from this city, 
and hope I shall continue so, and the little view I 
had of getting home soon seemed to open before 
me with considerable satisfaction. I took a last 
farewell on the 8th of Second Month of my very 
dear and much respected friends and companions, 
in whose company I had had many close baptisms, 
also many comfortable seasons in which we were 
favoured to drink together of the same cup of 
blessing ; it was a time of painful trial to my feel¬ 
ings, through which I was mercifully supported, 
and could say on my return home, that I neither 


04 


THE LIFE OF 


regretted the time nor the expense of this journey, 
which was considerable. I was favoured to reach 
home safe, and to find all things generally well, 
after being absent about eight months in the whole. 




JOHN CONRAN. 


65 


CHAPTER. III. 

1782. ATTENDS THE YEARLY MEETING IN LONDON 
—JOINS ROBERT VALENTINE AND JOHN HALL 
IN VISITING LEINSTER AND MUNSTER PROVINCES 
—HIS MARRIAGE—VISIT TO THE FAMILIES OF 
BALLYHAGEN AND BALLINDERRY MEETINGS. 

In the year 1782, as I sat in the Half-year’s Meet¬ 
ing for business at Dublin, I felt a warm impression 
on my mind to attend the ensuing Yearly Meeting 
in London, and taking the advice of two minister¬ 
ing Friends of our province they encouraged me to 
give up to it, which I did, and was well satisfied 
with going. I thought the settling of the Book of 
Extracts brought an exercise over the weighty part 
of the meeting, which was borne down for some 
time, by some light and frothy speakers ; but in the 
end Truth was in dominion, and the meeting ended 
well, and I may say, I returned with a sheaf of 
peace in my bosom. 

Soon after I came home I visited most of the 
meetings in Leinster, with Thomas Dobson and 
John Foster ; and in Tenth Month I accompanied 
Robert Valentine from Pennsylvania, and John 
5 


66 


THE LIFE OF 


Hall from Cumberland, in their visits to parts of 
Leinster and Munster provinces, having obtained 
a certificate for that purpose. I joined them at the 
Province Meeting at Mountrath, Tenth Month 
12th and 13th, where that doctrine was declared, 
that the parents had eaten sour grapes, and the 
children’s teeth were set on edge. The fore part of 
the meeting next day was cloudy, but there was a 
door of utterance afforded, and I hope a door of en¬ 
trance to some of the children. In a select oppor¬ 
tunity with the particular meeting, I had to remind 
them of the state of Israel when Balaam was hired 
to curse them—they were dwelling in their tents— 
no divination could prevail against them ; but that 
now Israel fled before their enemies, because some 
had coveted a wedge of gold and the Babylonish 
garment, and that they were found in the tent. 

1 6th .—Meeting at Athy : here I experienced a 
deep baptizing season in poverty and silence, in 
which I received great instruction in reverence of 
spirit. Godliness is indeed a very great mystery, 
which is to be known only by that revealing power 
in the heart. My dear friend, II. Valentine was 
well concerned here. 

17^.—Meeting at Ballitore : I felt that way 
which the apostle called a more excellent way 
opened in my mind, and had to recommend it to 
Friends as that which recommends all our •works to 


J 0 II X CON KAN. 


67 


Divine acceptance ; I was followed by R. V. in a 
lively testimony with similar remarks—it was a 
time of some favour. Since I left my habitation 
my way in religious meetings has been, I have 
thought, much in the cloud; nevertheless, through 
unmerited regard, I have been favoured to be pretty 
closely baptized into the states of the meetings, and 
sometimes enabled through deep wading and poverty 
to express a little of my concern, in that manner 
which is as foolishness with weak unenlightened 
man, yet to a faithful remnant is found to be in the 
wisdom of God, and by the power of God subjecting 
to Himself that in us which would desire to reign. 
May I be reverently thankful for this favour also, 
of seeing myself in this true light, that without 
His holy horn of power I could do nothing to His 
praise or my peace. I am also favoured with the 
evidence of peace in these mortifying labours. 

20 tit .—Meeting at Kilconner : a low time, yet 
through Divine favour ability was given to set the 
testimony of Truth over wrongthings. After dinner 
at a Friend’s house we had a pretty open opportu¬ 
nity, in which I was concerned to show the subtle 
workings of our great enemy, in the mystery of ini¬ 
quity, leading the children of men captives at his 
will, wdien they are not found walking in that light 
in which only he can be discovered; in some appear¬ 
ing as the king of the locusts ascending from the 


68 


THE LIFE OF 

bottomless pit, and in the smoke thereof clouding 
the understanding, so as to put light for darkness 
and darkness for light; raising up the reasoning 
part in others so as to doubt of, and reason upon 
every thing Divine and human, which workings no 
eye can see or experience, but that which has been 
anointed with the eye-salve of God’s kingdom. 

22 d .—Meeting at Ross: the forepart was low, 
but through Divine favour a little light sprang up, 
and I had to express, that the children who are 
born from above, of the incorruptible seed of light 
and life, in this day may be compared to the cot¬ 
tage in the vineyard, and to the besieged city— 
that there are still to be found one here and an¬ 
other there, who are measurably engaged to stand 
for [the Lord’s] cause, and appear as lights in a 
dark and ignorant world—and that I had to be¬ 
lieve the candle was lighted here and placed on 
the candle-stick, to show light to the house and to 
those among whom their lots were cast, and ex¬ 
horted that it should not be hid under a bed of 
ease, or a bushel, but to let their lights so shine 
before men, that their lives and good works might 
bring glory to their Father in heaven. 

[From hence he wrote the following letter to his 
friend Louisa Strangman, who also received soon 
after a valuable communication from S. Grubb.] 


JOHN CONRAN. 


69 


From John Conran to Louisa Strang man. 

Boss, Eleventh Month 25£/i, 1782. 

Hoping a few lines will not prove displeasing 
to my dear Lucy, to hear of our safe arrival here, 
that near and endeared love which I feel towards 
thee, leads me thus to communicate a little with 
thee. 

We came here last night in company with our 
dear friend Anne Elly, &c., in whose company at 
Kilknock, the evening before, we were favoured 
together with a measure of the owning of Divine 
regard, opening in suitable and tender counsel to 
the states (I believe) of the youth present, testify¬ 
ing to them how precious the visitation of Heaven 
was to some, who, being favoured to find that pearl 
of great price, sold all that they had formerly a life 
in, and thereby purchased it,—recommending them 
to buy the Truth also, and sell it not, and that wis¬ 
dom, instruction, and understanding that flows from 
the living Word of God in their own hearts,—giving 
up to the fire that which is for the fire, and to the 
sword that which is for the sword, &c. It was well, 
I believe, that we were there; the Father of His 
family I hope was felt amongst us, to the help of 
some present, who might be ready to faint, after 
fasting for so long a season, sitting in our solemn 
assemblies, oftentimes as in the valley of Achor and 
shadow of death. But as we are concerned to be 


70 


THE LIFE OF 


faithful unto this death, He will arise in His own 
time for our assistance, and when He comes His 
reward is surely with Him, and His appearing is at 
times like the lightning from the east, unexpectedly 
coming into His temple, where all things should 
be ready, clean and garnished, and we found wait¬ 
ing, as faithful servants, not knowing the hour in 
which their Lord cometh. 

My mind has seemed to me at seasons, for some 
time past, to be under a degree of preparation for 
this journey into Munster,—a state of circumspec¬ 
tion and faithful watchfulness, to the holy Head of 
our most holy profession seems to be laid before 
me, and to endeavour after faithfulness to His 
manifestations, that I may receive a foretaste of 
that crown of peace and joy in the Holy Ghost, the 
fulness of which is to be experienced eternally in 
the heavens. I think I feel a state in myself, under 
this preparation, of endeared love towairds the 
Friends of this province, which I believe flows from 
the Fountain of love, tendering and breaking my 
spirit, to my comfort and consolation. 

Farewell my much loved friend, and I humbly 
hope to be thy partner and sharer in that holy life 
which never is to have an end, and to be preserved 
in that station, through Divine favour, in all the 
trials of this life. My dear love to thy mother, &c. 

John Conran. . 


1 


JOHN CONRAN. 


71 


From Sarah Grubb to Louisa Strangman. 
Anner Mills, First Month 18 th, 1788. 
My Dear Friend, 

Thy acceptable letter of the 4th instant reached 
me in due course. As I felt some of thv painful 
sensations, [alluding to her prospect of marriage] 
so I could likewise rejoice with thee in the preva¬ 
lence of that secret but all-powerful voice, which in 
seasons of our greatest besetment, when we prove 
that all our temporal as well as spiritual enjoyments 
depend upon the Sanctifier thereof, interposes for 
our help, and commands the waves that they be 
still. Every little experience of this sort ought to 
strengthen our faith, and add to our patience in 
times of trial, knowing that at this w r ord the winds 
and seas obey; better is it for us that it is not ex¬ 
tended in our time, nor governed by our will, for 
that would leave us destitute of means whereby our 
spiritual faculties could be exercised and prepared 
for spiritual services, for ourselves or in the church 
militant on earth ; and did we find it permitted in 
the Divine law that our wills and inclinations might 
preside over our religious impressions, how short 
would their reign be, and how little certainty should 
we find in their fluctuations. Better, far better 5s 
it for us to go under the weight of the cross, feel¬ 
ing its substantial operations on our minds by eru- 


72 


THE LIFE OF 


cifying us to our own carnal wisdom, and that unto 
us; that so an immovable kingdom may be estab¬ 
lished in righteousness in us, and, from an increas¬ 
ing pure, holy attachment to that Arm which brings 
deliverance, we may seek to have our lives sup¬ 
ported and conducted by the precious gift of faith, 
finding it to be our meat and our drink to do the 
will of our heavenly Father. The comfortable aspi¬ 
ration of thy mind the night before thou wrote me 
seems a seal to the belief that thy prospect is a 
right one. 

Such are greatly wanted as will firmly stand in 
the life and authority of Truth, and lift up the stan¬ 
dard thereof, to the indifferent unwashed professors 
in this day, who have the form of godliness, but 
want the efficacy and wholesome fruits of the power. 
I am convinced, however, that they who stand and 
are enough engaged faithfully to keep their ranks, 
must suffer persecution and be lightly esteemed of 
many for the Truth’s sake,—not a persecution like 
that which befel our predecessors in the rising of 
the purity of the gospel day, when their bodies were 
imprisoned and despised, and the Spirit of their 
holy Head triumphed over death, hell, and the 
grave; but this day of trial, if I have any sense of 
it, is a still more evil day and bitter, because the 
seed of the kingdom is under oppression, and few 
are grieved for its affliction. Many are dwelling at 


JOHN CONRAN. 


73 


ease in their ceiled houses, are consoling themselves 
with what they find there, thinking how much safer 
it is to keep in this habitation than to venture them¬ 
selves into the battle of a despised cause in these 
perilous times—others who have been appointed 
and armed for the Lamb’s war have flinched when 
they were called to stand in the front, for fear of 
some personal disadvantage,—and there are those 
who have lost favour and strength, by too boldly and 
precipitately engaging in battle before their armour 
was prepared, their ea rthen pitchers broken, and by 
the sound of the trumpet they were commissioned 
to cry,—“ the sword of the Lord and of Gideon.” 

From a transient survey of the various openings 
to error, and perceiving that there is but one way 
and one means to stand in that kingdom which is 
not of this world, many discouragements arise, and 
sometimes a language that “one day I shall fall by 
the hand of the enemy.” And yet I may acknow¬ 
ledge, that in some seasons of trial which I have 
experienced of late, exceeding and different to what 
I ever before knew, I have been secretly strength¬ 
ened by the belief, that as we suffer ourselves to be 
brought to the balance of the sanctuary, and stand 
open to every manifestation we may find there, even 
when it requires us to be melted down again in order 
to add to our weight, that though the enemy may 
beset and boldly vaunt against us, pouring as it 


74 


THE LIFE OF 


•were his floods out of his mouth, he will never he 
able to pluck us out of the Divine hand, but a hook 
will be put in his jaws, and deliverance wrought 
for the pure seed. As it is only by our being led 
down in the deeps, purified there, established there, 
and there seeing the wonderful mystery of godli¬ 
ness, that we shall be able to stand the fiery darts 
of the wicked, and after having done all to stand 
with garments unpolluted, hands washed in inno- 
cency, and hearts that have access to the altar of 
God,—let us not be afraid, beloved friend, but 
trust and humbly confide in Him who can teach 
our hands to \>ar and our fingers to fight, and will, 
as we are faithful to Him, shield us under every 
assault, from within or from without. 

It is very unexpected to me that I have written 
thus ; I had no view of it when I took up my pen, 
nor has my mind been disposed of late to com¬ 
municate, but I write what occurs, without re¬ 
straint, feeling that love in which there is free¬ 
dom.-1 feel nearly and dearly to love thee, and 

remain therein with R. G.’s and sister Sally 
(John’s) love, thy poor but affectionate, 

S. Grubb. 

In this visit to the county of Wexford, I believe 
I was, according to my small measure, baptized into 
the states of the people, and made to sit where they 



JOHN CONRAN. 


75 


sat; from these feelings I may say, that the life of 
religion is low in this quarter, many of the aged 
and middle-aged having buried their talents in the 
earth, and the Divine Seed seems to be pressed as 
a cart is pressed under sheaves, to their own great 
loss. Yet I apprehended that there was a tender 
visitation of Divine love towards the beloved youth, 
some of whom were looking to the elders to ask 
bread, and found few, very few, to break it unto 
them ; the Great Shepherd of Israel will, I believe, 
in His own time arise for the help of these, and 
bring them forward into use and service if they 
prove faithful in the day of small things. Though 
my way herein was in much strippedness, in which 
I had to go deeper than heretofore, yet my ex¬ 
perience was increased, and I was made willing to 
be where the seed was, in a state of suffering in 
many places. 

29th .—At Ballicane we had a very heavy, dull 
meeting: it felt to me that many were buried in 
the earth, they knew not how to dig, and to beg 
they were ashamed: they bore the appearance of 
the Lord’s people, but their hearts seemed to be 
far from Him. I had to minister here in great 
poverty and weakness, and was favoured with peace. 

Eleventh Month 6th .—The National Meeting at 
Dublin concluded. The several sittings of this 
meeting were much clouded, too many not suffi- 


76 


THE LIFE OF 


ciently concerned to wrestle for the blessing, wait¬ 
ing in a careless, lukewarm and unconcerned situa¬ 
tion, like the multitude formerly for the loaves and 
fishes to be handed to the servants and so to them, 
instead of labouring for themselves to be fed imme¬ 
diately by the Heavenly Hand. There were many 
servants present who appeared exercised for restor¬ 
ing ancient beauty in the church ; in the meeting 
for business, R. Valentine was well and zealously 
engaged on that subject. I thought the business 
was conducted in too formal a way, barely reading 
and answering the queries, with little observation 
on the represented state of the body. I think I 
never saw into the state of the Society so clearly as 
of late, and that unless our holy Head is pleased to 
arise and qualify some suitable well-concerned 
members in the church, the blessed cause of Truth 
will suffer amongst us; so many are closely occu¬ 
pied in building up their own houses, whilst the 
Lord’s house is I fear in many places left desolate. 

10^A.—Very hard labour at Edenderry meeting, 
a deep covering of the earth rendering the precious 
seed too much unfruitful among many of the pro¬ 
fessors. In an opportunity after dinner, the state 
of the elders in the breaking forth of this Gospel- 
day was set forth, (some of whose descendants were 
present,) how they were concerned above all things 
to do their heavenly Father’s will, and that they 


JOHN CONRAN. 


77 


were made bright, and noble, and valiant for His 
cause on earth, by keeping deep in their dwelling, 
and near the heavenly Spring; they were men to 
be wondered at by the people amongst whom they 
dwelt, and from the fulness of their experience had 
at times to bless that great Name who liveth for 
ever, and to cry Holy, holy, Lord God of Sabaoth, 
the heaven and earth was full of His glory—that 
the same w T ay was open to us, if we, as they, were 
concerned to have our dwellings where no divina¬ 
tion nor enchantment can prevail. 

—The select Monthly Meeting was held 
this morning : in this opportunity my exercise was 
so close and trying that I secretly cried, “ Lord, 
remember David and all his troubles;” my mind 
wandered up and down, and could not find a resting 
place, which was a great grief to me. R. Valentine, 
after a considerable time in silence, described the 
state of those who were so exercised in spirit that 
they could not do any thing for their Master, and 
so forsaken that they could not think one good 
thought—that this was a profitable season, purging 
and purifying the vessel in the laver of regenera¬ 
tion, so as to fit and prepare it for the Master’s use, 
showing us to ourselves, and what we are without 
Him. The queries were answered, and R. Valentine 
was concerned that Friends should be upright in 
their answers, and tell the state of things as they 


78 


TIIE LIFE OF 


really are. I felt a little matter on my mind, what 
the prophet saw—the Lord standing upon a wall 
made by a plumb-line, with a plumb-line in His 
hand—which opened before me as the wall of dis¬ 
cipline which surrounded us, and would preserve 
us from the corruptions in the world and ourselves 
—that this discipline was founded in the wisdom 
of Truth—that those who stood on the wall should 
build with the plumb-line of truth and righteous¬ 
ness in their hands, and that the order of Truth 
and the Gospel led us to confess ourselves one to 
another honestly and uprightly, which might open 
in concerned minds a word of counsel and advice 
for our help and recovery. 

\2>th .—Monthly Meeting at Edenderry, a hard 
and laborious time—a dark and heavy cloud seemed 
to surround us; Robert Valentine and John Hall 
appeared with difficulty, there seemed little en¬ 
trance, or life raised, in the meeting; I thought to 
carry away my burden, but fearing to withhold, 
stood up in fear and great weakness, with the re¬ 
membrance of Israel formerly, when the Divine 
presence so filled the temple, that there was scarce 
room for the priests to minister; that under this 
present Gospel dispensation, a like state was ex¬ 
perienced, when the priests and people were so 
Divinely refreshed in their silent meetings for wor¬ 
ship that there was an unwillingness to enter in 


JOHN CONRAN. 


79 


and minister,but they sat eacli of them refreshed and 
satisfied, as under their own vine and fig-tree, where 
none could make them afraid, [and I queried how 
Friends had] felt that day ? [for that I could testify] 
for myself that I had been baptized in the cloud, 
into death and darkness, and that sin was the parti¬ 
tion-wall which separated, &c. The men’s meeting 
was favoured: R. Valentine dropped several weighty 
suitable remarks; he is a zealous Friend in disci¬ 
pline. I have renewed cause for thankfulness, that 
I feel the Lord to be my strength in weakness, 
riches in poverty, and my all in every time of need. 
I have had trying seasons to pass through [of late], 
more so I think than I ever experienced since my 
mouth was first opened in a public testimony for 
the Truth, having often to go down into Jordan and 
to stand there with somewhat of the weight of the 
Ark on my shoulder, and wait for the passing over 
of the people. It was a comfort and rejoicing to 
me, to find myself dipped into the same states that 
my companions were, and to have sometimes like 
expressions living in my heart; this helped, through 
Divine favour, to strengthen and confirm me in that 
which I hope and believe is the way of well-doing. 

29 th. —Week-day meeting at Waterford: I have 
experienced a trying state of poverty mostly since 
I came here, and in this meeting, which I believe 
I was the cause of bringing on, by refusing to 


80 


THE LIFE OF 


appear in a state of weakness the day before in a 
Friend’s family; yet gracious regard was extended 
to me this evening, in a little opening in this 
family, after which I thought I had to see that 
“ there is that scattereth and yet increaseth, and 
there is that withholdeth more than is meet but it 
tendeth to poverty.” 

Twelfth Month 8th .—Meetings at Limerick; my 
companions were concerned in testimony in both 
meetings, it was my lot to sit in poverty and 
silence, life did not feel to me to he in dominion. 
I fear this world and its pursuits stands as a par¬ 
tition-wall between many and their soul’s happi¬ 
ness ; oh! the desolations it brings upon those 
who set out well, and run well for a season, but 
Demas-like, forsake the God that made them, for 
the glory and vanity of this present world! Yet 
there are some here I trust, who have in this the 
day of their youth chosen the Lord for their por¬ 
tion, and I believe He is at work by His power in 
their hearts, to draw them near to Himself, that 
they may become a people to His praise and glory. 
With these my spirit was nearly united, and in the 
fresh feelings of that love which flowed in my heart 
towards them, I was renewedly engaged to suppli¬ 
cate the Father of mercies secretly on their account, 
that He would in His tender mercy and gracious 
regard preserve them in His holy life and fear, that 


JOnN CONRAN. 81 

through Him they might bring forth fruits to His 
praise and glory. 

15th .—[After speaking of several meetings, and 
opportunities at Cork, he says] in all of these my 
covering was poverty, strippedness, and silence; 
under this dispensation I grew uneasy and restless, 
which I believe increased it, till Gracious Conde¬ 
scension was pleased to show me that a quiet 
habitation was the safest and best dwelling, and 
here I was enabled at this time to seek for and find 
rest to my wearied spirit. 

17^A.—As we passed along in this city, I have 
felt my mind drawn in dear love to Friends here, 
and have been enabled in some families, through 
Divine favour and ability, to express some things to 
my own peace, and I trust and hope to the edifica¬ 
tion one of another ; this is renewed cause of 
thankfulness, when I remember what I had been, 
and my present state of weakness, how unworthy 
I am to be made of any, or the least, use in my 
Lord’s family. Let His own works praise Him, 
but unto me belongs shame and confusion of face, 
and His mercies, they endure to His unworthy 
creature to this day. Amen—so be it! 

tilth .—Cork week-day meeting. My stay here 
was about twelve days, in much weakness and in 
much fear; a crumb from the heavenly table was at 
times mercifully afforded, -which helped to sustain 
6 


82 


THE LIFE OF 


me when I appeared ready to perish. I think they 
proved profitable seasons, teaching me to suffer 
hunger and thirst, and therewith to be content, and 
bringing me to know in my own experience, naked¬ 
ness, and who it was that should clothe me ; so 
that I then could render praises and thanksgivings 
to Him to whom they are due. 

We left our dear friend R. V. here, to recruit 
under the hospitable roof of our kind friends 
Samuel Neale and wife, and set out for Youghal, 
Clonmel, Mountmellick, and the Province Meeting 
at Castle Dermot on the 4th of First Month, 1783. 
In the meeting on First-day we sat near two hours 
in a painful silence, when I was favoured with a 
little strength to express my sense of the meeting, 
■which I compared to a spring shut up, a fountain 
sealed—that there seemed to be little of the flowing 
of that river to be felt amongst us, the streams 
whereof make glad the whole heritage of God— 
that the light of the body is the eye, if it be 
single the whole body is full of light; but if it 
be evil, the whole body is full of darkness—that 
it is for want of our eye being single enough unto 
Him, who is the Light and Life of men, that we are 
thus allowed to sit as in the region and shadow of 
death, having our eye like the eye of the fool, out 
after the perishing things of this world, and wan¬ 
dering in the darkness of it: and therefore we come 


JOHN CONRAN. 


83 


to our religious meetings in this dark state, sit in it, 
and bring it over our assemblies, and go away, like 
the door upon its hinges, moving backwards and for¬ 
wards, and never coming nearer. Afterwards dear 
Mary Ridgway stood up, and expressed a like sense 
of the meeting : it was a time of brokenness and 
contrition to my spirit. This meeting I thought, 
was a time of instruction even to the unlearned, 
who might see and feel that the ministers of them¬ 
selves could do nothing; nevertheless, through 
Divine regard being extended, we w*ere latterly 
favoured together, to the comfort and refreshment 
I hope of many truly baptized ones present. 

7 th. —Week-day meeting in Dublin.—I have now 
concluded this visit, and though my way has been 
much in the deeps, often baptized for the dead, dry 
and formal professors amongst us, the lukewarnr 
and indifferent, the earthly-minded, who bring death 
and darkness to our assemblies,—and have had to sit 
as the people sit, and to go down and visit the pre¬ 
cious seed of the kingdom, which is in bondage in 
the hearts of the people—though these were very 
trying, proving seasons, yet they were made profit¬ 
able, purifying times, having, I believe, to w*ade and 
go deeper thanheretofore to reach to that life which 
is hid with Christ in God. My painful travail in 
spirit was not in vain, for the ^wrestling seed was 
at times made to prevail, and the living spring 


84 


THE LIFE OF 


to arise, to the comfort and refreshment of the 
truly hungry and baptized spirits; this is an en¬ 
couragement to persevere and wrestle till the day 
dawns and the shadows flee away. There seems to 
be too general a declension among those who should 
be of the fore-rank of the people, who, with the 
riches of this world and the anxious love of it, have 
let in a spirit of ease and indifferency as to those 
things which alone make for true peace. Yet I 
believe there are up and down a few substantial 
living members who love the Truth, are concerned 
for the promotion of it in the earth, and I hope are 
under a godly concern on their own accounts to 
keep their habitations in it, and their garments un¬ 
spotted from the world. May these be increased, 
and experience a growth from one degree of strength 
unto another, that Zion may once more put on her 
beautiful garments, become as the garden enclosed, 
and the desire and beauty of all nations. There are 
many beautiful and blooming youth of both sexes 
in many parts that seem to be under the lively im¬ 
pressions of the heavenly visitation; my spirit was 
at times nearly united to some of these, and warm 
desires were begotten in my heart for their preser¬ 
vation. May these remember their Creator in the 
days of their youth, when their offering will be 
truly of a sweet savour, and as sweet smelling in¬ 
cense to their God; for this end has He in His 


JOHN CONRAN. 


85 


gracious condescension visited them, that they 
should be redeemed from the pollutions that are in 
the world, and that by giving up faithfully in this 
the day of their early visitation, and dwelling under 
the turnings of His holy hand, they may be fitted, 
qualified, and so become vessels of honour in His 
house, to His praise, and their own peace and con¬ 
solation. But I was jealous over some of them, 
with a godly jealousy, lest they were not sufficiently 
sensible of the blessings bestowed upon them ; they 
felt the warmth of the Sun of Righteousness shining 
upon them, and the precious unity of their living 
brethren and sisters—they were enjoying the com¬ 
forts of this summer season, but not enough at¬ 
tending on the work in themselves to which they 
were called—were loitering in the market-place, 
and permitting the blessed day of God’s visitation to 
be passing by [unimproved], and the night stealing 
upon them in which the work cannot be done. To 
such this language is truly applicable,—“Work 
while it is called to-day, lest darkness come upon 
you.” When the springs of love and dedication to 
God are dried up, and the tenderness of spirit lost 
in the cares of the world, they lose that dignity and 
true nobility which this precious visitation would 
have crowned them with ; instead of being covered 
with living zeal as with a cloak, and being made 
men and women for God, and testimony-bearers 


86 


THE LIFE OF 


for his Truth, they become dry and formal profes¬ 
sors, and not receiving their daily food from heaven 
which only can keep the soul alive unto God, they 
live upon their former experiences when the Lord’s 
candle shone upon them, are little better than 
burdens to the living, and their lives are without 
[the true] honour, their hearts not being right in 
the sight of God. May such as these dear visited 
ones prize their calling, and be willing to open to 
Him who has mercifully knocked at their door, 
seeking for entrance, that He may sup with them 
and they with Him—then indeed may it be said, 
“ Salvation is come to that house.” 

My beloved friend, Louisa Strangman, and I took 
each other in marriage on the 9th of Fourth Month, 
1783, in a meeting for worship in Mountmellick, 
after an engagement on my mind for her of about 
eight years’ continuance, which time had many deep 
and trying exercises in it, the prospect at times 
opening with clearness, and afterwards closing 
and shutting the door of hope. I was favoured 
with her company nearly twenty-three years, much 
to my comfort and consolation. When, under the 
counsels of Heavenly wisdom, and in the Divine 
fear, man and woman are united together and be¬ 
come one in the Lord, baptized together and drink¬ 
ing of the same cup that their Lord and Master 
drank of, being of one heart and one mind, dedi- 


JOHN CONRAN. 


87 


cated to the Lord’s service, helping one another 
to obey His holy requirings without grudging—- 
these when they are brought together, it is by a 
way they know not of, (neither the outward eye 
nor judgment of man can comprehend it), and 
walking by that faith which is the evidence of 
what they do not see outwardly, the end thereof 
is peace. 

[Previous to his marriage he received the follow¬ 
ing letter from T. Greer :—•] 

From Thomas Greer to John Conran. 

Dungannon, Third Month 30 th, 1783. 
Dear Friend, 

I have repeatedly turned over thy request to be 
at Mountmellick next Fourth-day week, but do not 
find that I can make it convenient with regard to 
matters of duty, which I see no way of putting by. 
Do not, however, thence conclude it is for want of 
affectionate regard either to thee or Louisa. I have 
long loved her with that love which is pure and un¬ 
mixed, and it -would I think be a pleasing matter to 
be present at the solemnization of your marriage; 
I trust you will be favoured with the company of 
the Master, and then it matters not how few disci¬ 
ples attend, as the wine will doubtless be good and 


88 


THE LIFE OF 


accompanied with a blessing, although it may be 
pronounced in silence. 

This roll, which I have at times been eating of 
for some considerable time past, begins to grow 
bitter in the inner parts; I have pleaded and 
pleaded again mine unfitness, and have turned the 
fleece upon it more frequently than we are informed 
Gideon did upon his commission, yet find no release 
therefrom ; I have therefore in my own mind given 
up thereunto, and at times feel a wish to be gone. 
I have looked as closely as I am capable of, as to 
the time and place of taking shipping, and seem 
easiest at the thoughts of stealing away through 
Scotland, without previous sound of trumpet or 
other signal of important embassy ; and it looks as 
if I must turn out all alone, like another scape-goat, 
bearing my own burthen of infirmities, as well as 
those of the people where my lot may be cast: but 
this I through mercy know, that He who sends 
forth into the harvest is faithful, and will neither 
beget nor bring to the birth without giving power 
to bring forth ; and upon this arm of Almighty 
power I desire that my trust may for ever be for 
fresh supplies of strength and wisdom. 

The dispensation we are under is a glorious one, 
but the time and season appears to be very peril¬ 
ous—this last arises from the present state of the 
churches; the great part of the people are chil- 


JOHN CONRAN. 


89 


dren of tradition, and many of the few that appear 
to be somewhat, have either clothed themselves with 
an outside appearance,or are led aw*ay thereby, inso¬ 
much that Rachel's voice may everywhere be heard, 
by those who have ears to hear and hearts to feel 
for her. But what will unprofitable bemoaning avail? 
I believe it to be the mind of the great and good 
Master that the camp should be searched as with 
fresh-lighted candles, that every false covering may 
be seen, and every covering short of His Spirit be 
brought to judgment; may He in mercy to His 
church and people yet fit and qualify for this ser¬ 
vice, and send forth fishers to fish, and hunters to 
hunt the people home in their minds to that Divine 
principle of saving grace, which alone can bring 
salvation to their houses, and give them to see in 
the unerring glass of Truth the deformity of pro¬ 
fession without possession, and of form without 
power. Then would the language of lamentation 
cease, and the poor baptized messengers’ sorrows 
w^ould be turned into gladness of heart. My pen 
has run on in some sort unwittingly into some 
strokes which I had no view of when I sat dowm, 
but I seem free in thus communing a little with 
thee, and I may add that of late it is rather rare 
that I feel an openness to commune so with any; 
notwithstanding my thoughts have been as much 
(if not more) engaged about these things as in any 


90 


THE LIFE OF 


part of my life ; but it has been my lot to feel 
and suffer very much in - private, having been 
almost cut off (in my own apprehension) from the _ 
sympathy of others, and this I conceive to be for 
some good purpose, which in the end will be mani¬ 
fested, and we must learn to wait in patience for 
the fulness of time in all things. 

Our men’s meeting is to be held next Fourth-day; 
if my feelings of duty continue I propose then lay¬ 
ing my concern before that meeting, in order to my 
obtaining a certificate to be addressed to friends of 
such counties in Britain as it may concern. Al¬ 
though I think I feel heavier than I did any of the 
former four times I have been engaged in visiting 
meetings in that land, I do not see the extent of my 
intended visit; but see enough, and clear enough, 
to draw me from home, and feel a wish to take a 
range of meetings in the northern counties before 
the Yearly Meeting comes on, and then feel my way 
and follow the pointings of that Wisdom which is 
profitable and best able to direct from step to step 
therein. At the same time I fully expect my faith 
will be proved from day to day, as I pass along in 
the arduous warfare ; and what but conflicts can 
the poor messengers expect whilst in this militant 
state ? I am certain if we are upon the right foun¬ 
dation it must be the case. I therefore look for my 
share of them ; nor should we grow weary of suffer- 


JOHN CONRAN. 


91 


ing with the Seed, but with cheerful resignation 
bear our respective parts of what may remain for 
us to fill up of the sufferings of our holy and bles¬ 
sed Helper, who rejoices in beholding the patient 
resignation of His tribulated followers, and whose 
holy Arm is underneath to support and preserve 
above the waters. 

Farewell: I feel a wish for thine and L.’s pre¬ 
sent comfort and everlasting welfare, and that you 
may be enabled, like Zacharias and Elizabeth, to 
walk in all the commandments of the Lord blame¬ 
less. My dear love to her, and accept the same 
thyself from thy sincere friend, 

Thomas Greer. 

After we were married we attended the Half- 
year’s Meeting in Dublin ; and in the Seventh 
Month I engaged in a family visit in Ballyhagen, 
and had the company of two valuable elders. The 
meeting at Ballyhagen I thought a very low time, 
and once or twice I felt as if I should be altogether 
a castaway from that Divine grace which had 
visited me : yet, through the arising of Divine Life 
in my heart, I was mercifully enabled to go forth in 
a testimony to God’s goodness, acquainting them 
how discouraging the prospect was to me at first, to 
visit a people that was peeled and scattered amongst 
the people with whom they dwelt—that I remem- 


92 


THE LIFE OF 


bered the vision which the holy apostle formerly 
had of the sheet which was let down from heaven, 
knit at the four corners, which I compared to their 
meeting which had been gathered by the wisdom 
and power of God, and knit and enclosed by the 
hedge of his Holy discipline ; but that I saw it was 
filled with unclean beasts and the creeping things 
of the earth—that I was very unwilling to proceed, 
and refused to go as long as I dare ; still the mar¬ 
vellous loving-kindness of Divine mercy continued 
to call, saying, “ Arise, Peter, slay and eat”—slay 
those things with the sword of my Spirit, or there 
is no eating for those servants who do not obey the 
command of their Lord! We had three sittings 
with near a hundred who w*ere not in unity, wherein 
my service opened beyond my expectation, having 
to feel great poverty and weakness, yet experienced 
Divine mercy extended to be unto me mouth and 
wisdom, tongue and utterance, to show this class 
the great loss they have sustained by going out of 
the garden enclosed, and thereby losing the 
heavenly fellowship of Christ’s blessed Spirit who 
called those (by His Spirit), that had their spiritual 
dwellings in this enclosure, His sister and spouse, 
&c. In our proceeding through the families, the 
first five of the Quarterly Meeting queries were 
generally read and answered, which brought forth 
some suitable and close remarks, and I thought 
was of considerable service. 


JOHN CONRAN. 


93 


There appears to be a great deficiency in the 
attendance of meetings, and ignorance among too 
many of the principles they profess, as well as very 
great rawness in religion. They seemed to receive 
the word of exhortation affectionately and patiently, 
and I thought there was a degree of fresh visitation 
afforded to some, if they will on their parts abide 
under it. As I passed on in this service, I thought 
it one of the most useful parts of our religious dis¬ 
cipline, when suitably performed, waiting in the 
families upon the opening of that Divine counsel 
which is profitable for all things, and shows to them 
as it were their natural face in a glass; -which, after 
they have been favoured to see,too many go away and 
straightway forget what manner of men they are. 
It seemed as if darkness had covered the earth, and 
gross darkness the hearts of this high professing 
people. I was more enlarged in this visit than I 
had been before, and often admired howl was some¬ 
times led to speak, having close doctrine to drop to 
the lukewarm, the indifferent, the outside professor, 
the negligent, and those who forget that Hand which 
made them, as it were, days without number ; and 
had in gospel love to call to such as were resting in 
a name to live, yet were dead as to the life and sub¬ 
stance of true religion, to come home to that true 
rest which is prepared for the righteous, and them 
only. Upon the whole, I believe the service was 


94 


THE LIFE OF 


owned at times by the Great Master of our assem¬ 
blies, who was pleased to help us with a little help 
under trying painful baptisms, in which we had to 
visit the precious holy seed of life, which was often¬ 
times to be found in a state of bondage and oppres¬ 
sion. Yet we were favoured to feel the Son of 
peace to be in some of these poor dwellings, and 
then we had to salute that house in peace. I was 
glad I was there, though I went forth very much 
in the cross, and in poverty, having very seldom 
for three months before opened my mouth in public 
testimony. But it is well for that servant whom his 
Master finds watching when he cometh, He will 
make him ruler over His household; and it must 
be in His authority we rule if we ever are of any 
real service in His family. I was favoured to re¬ 
turn with a sheaf, and had to look back and believe 
that I had left nothing undone which I apprehended 
I should do: the praise is to that holy and great 
Being to whom the work belongs, and it is His 
works only which can praise Him ! Amen ! 

Having felt a concern for some months to pay a 
religious visit to Friends’ families in Ballinderry 
meeting, and obtaining the approbation of our meet¬ 
ing, and my dear friend, James Christy, the elder, 
joining me in it, we set out on the 8th of the Tenth 
Month, 1783, and in the course of our visit had two 
meetings with between forty and fifty persons not 


JOHN CONRAN. 


95 


in membership. We had some very painful bap¬ 
tisms, some of the most stripping times I had met 
•with of late, among dry formalists ; but we were 
favoured to get through the service in peace. 

In this year of my marriage I had thought to get 
leave to stay at home and attend all the meetings as 
they fell in course, which I think we always did 
when health permitted, for my dear wife was as 
zealously concerned, if not more so than I was; 
[but] I felt an engagement on my mind to visit the 
families of Friends in Lurgan and Moyallen meet¬ 
ings, and afterwards those of Coothill and Oldcastle 
meetings, which I proceeded in, accompanied by my 
friend, James Christy. I thought this visit was 
favoured with a degree of openness towards some 
young people, but it appeared there was not much 
help to be expected from their elders, who were too 
much engaged in their worldly concerns. At Old- 
castle there was more order and regularity pre¬ 
served ; meetings are kept up, and the testimonies 
supported; nevertheless, there appears to be too 
much of sitting down at ease, and not enough of 
making use of the time and talent to the praise of 
Him who gave it. I was mercifully favoured to 
reach my own habitation with the evidence of peace 
in my bosom, and found my dear wife well, who 
Boon after gave birth to a son. 

I had no more engagements from home during the 


96 


THE LIFE OF 


remainder of tliis year, but attended on my outward 
concerns, (with meetings as they came in course,) 
for as Solomon said, “there is a time for every pur¬ 
pose under heaven our great and good Master 
knows what things we stand in need of, and leaves 
us at liberty at times, with his blessing, to procure 
them ; as the apostle declared his own hands had 
ministered to his necessities. 

In looking over some memorandums of my la¬ 
bours in the ministry, I must acknowledge I have 
been only an unprofitable servant, and have nothing 
to trust to for the hope of a blessed immortality 
but the mercies of God in Christ Jesus, who was 
the Author, and I humbly trust and hope will be 
the Finisher of my faith. 

From Christiana Hustler to John Conran. 

Ay ton, Ninth Month 18th, 1784. 
Dear Friend, 

I have often wished to salute thee and thy dear L. 
by a few lines, since you have been united by those 
outward ties which, I think you both know, I had 
beheld in prospect, as believing them to be in the 
pointing of Best Wisdom for you both, and there¬ 
fore felt myself nearly interested in the completion 
of. I have felt thus drawn not only as bound in 
gratitude to acknowledge the many evidences re¬ 
ceived, both whefi present with thee and since my 


JOHN CONRAN. 


97 


return from your land, of thy kind attention and 
remembrance, but also as expressive of my continued 
sisterly regard and affection, which I feel to remain 
a debt due to you. I have often with great near¬ 
ness beheld you comfortably settled, and I believe 
in your right allotment, and where I have no doubt 
of your mutually strengthening each other’s nands, 
as you stand in that allotment Divine Wisdom has 
placed you in, and under the sense of that unmerited 
mercy and parental care so graciously continued, 
still adopting with feeling energy, that becoming 
and needful language, “ What shall I render to thee 
for all thy mercies, Oh ! thou Preserver of men ?” 

Well, my dear friends, may you and I ever be 
enabled to press forward (leaving the things that 
are behind) towards the mark, for the prize set 
before us, however arduous and tribulated the 
path; that neither heights nor depths, principa¬ 
lities nor powers, things present, nor yet to come, 
may ever be able to separate us from that love 
which we have been mercifully enabled in days 
past to prefer to all things visible; and may we be 
enough engaged so to run as that we may obtain, 
is the principal desire of my mind, I think I may 
truly say, at this time. 

I have often, dear friend, been afraid thou 
shouldest construe my silence, so long continued, 
into an unkind return for thy part of a correspon- 

7 


THE LIFE OF 


98 

dence which, however undeserving I may appear to 
be of, has been greatly valued by me, and which 
nothing but the deep poverty that has been the 
almost unvaried clothing of my spirit, and has 
hitherto discouraged from prosecuting many at¬ 
tempts already made, would have hindered thy re¬ 
ceiving ample testimonials of long ere this. And 
though at present I can by no means boast of better 
things, yet as I am often afresh convinced of the 
loss I sustain by giving way to these feelings^I wish 
to break through by telling thee how acceptable a 
letter from thee would be, to tell me how you are, 
and how your dear child comes on; I think if I 
could convey myself for one hour to thy house, to 
thy little room, to see you together, and to con¬ 
verse and have sweet fellowship, as in days past, 
it would feel comfortable. 

As to myself, and my own movements, I have 
little to say, having seldom to my own feelings 
been able to keep my head above water: I am at 
present with our valuable friend Rebecca Jones, 
who came over with Thomas Ross and Mehetabel 
Jenkins (now in your land,) and divers other 
- Friends, a little before the last Yearly Meeting, 
where believing it right for myself to be, and she 
willing to accept of my company down into the 
north, we came to the Quarterly (or what are called 
the Yearly) Meetings at Colchester, Woodbridge, 


JOHN C 0 N R A X. 


99 


and Norwich, taking the meetings in the waj, and 
after them most of those in Norfolk, Lincolnshire, 
and Yorkshire.—And now, with an earnest request 
that thou wilt again let me hear from thee, I must 
for the present bid thee -dearly farewell, and with 
the affectionate salutation of my best love to thy 
whole self, remain your assured, though poor friend, 
Christiana Hustler. 

P.S. My late companion Phebe Marshall, is 
married to a Friend of Leeds meeting, whose 
name is James Blakes, I hope suitably. 

Twelfth Month 6th .—Since writing the above, we 
attended our autumn Quarterly Meeting, proceed¬ 
ing pretty directly from thence into the counties of 
Durham, Northumberland, and through Scotland as 
far as Old Meldrum, returning last Seventh-day to 
this place (Whitehaven,) and hope to reach our 
Quarterly Meeting at Leeds the latter end of this 
month. Our friend John Hall, at whose house we 
lodged two nights, desired to be affectionately re¬ 
membered to thee, and that I will inform thee he 
received an acceptable letter from thee at Birming¬ 
ham, which he intends to answer shortly. He with 
my companion are both bravely, as was Rebecca 
Wright, whom we passed on her way to Scotland, 
accompanied by Martha Routh. Patience Brayton 
is I expect now r in or near Cornwall, Samuel Emlen 


100 


THE LIFE OF 


and George Dillwyn and his wife in London, and by 
letters received, our worthy friend Robert Valentine 
is safely arrived in his own land before their Yearly 
Meeting in the Ninth Month which will be, and has 
been cause of joy, no doubt to his friends as well 
as himself. Once more farewell. C. H 

[It appears that Rebecca Jones visited Ireland 
in the ensuing year, no mention is made of her 
services in that nation by John Conran, but among 
his memoranda a remarkable farewell testimony is 
noted which she bore in a meeting at Dublin, in 
these words, viz: “ The Master said to me, * Thou 
came poor among this people—thou hast sat 
amongst them in much poverty—be content to 
leave them in much poverty—I have taken the 
crown from off their heads—let them wear dust 
and ashes my appointed time, then shall my light 
break forth as brightness, and I will be to them a 
crown of glory and a diadem of beauty.’ ” 

It is believed the following is the letter referred 
to by C. Hustler.] 

To John Conran. 

Dear Friend, 

Thou hast often been brought near to my mind, 
in that love which distance does not wear out, and 
I have often felt desires for thy preservation, for we 


JOHN CONRAN. 


101 


serve a good Master, and I can in humble thankful¬ 
ness say, “that His mercies to us have been more 
than the hairs of our heads.” I have tasted many 
bitter cups since I saw thee, but have often had to 
rejoice in humble thankfulness, that I have been 
brought to that state of resignation, wherein I could 
adopt the language, “ I thank thee, oh ! Father ! 
may this cup pass from me, yet nevertheless not 
my will but thine be done, oh! God! ” I believe it 
is good and also profitable for us experimentally to 
know and feel Ilis will to be our sanctification ; for 
we poor creatures have a deal of dross in us, and it 
is only by feeling [and submitting to] the furnace, 
made hotter and hotter, that the dross is separated 
from the pure gold, which loses nothing of its 
weight and value by being thus refined, but has this 
excellency in it, that it is more fit to receive the 
Heavenly image or inscription, that of “ Holiness 
unto the Lord.” I desire, while I am writing, that 
I may never forget the wormwood and the gall. 

In much affection and regard, I am thy loving 
friend, 


John Hall. 


102 


THE LIFE OF 


CHAPTER IV. 

1786. RELIGIOUS SERVICES IN ULSTER PROVINCE 

-AND IN CARLOW MEETING-DEATH OF HIS 

DAUGHTER—VISITS THE MEETINGS IN MUNSTER 
PROVINCE—ILLNESS AND DEATH OF HIS WIFE 
—RETURN INTO MUNSTER. 

The ls£ of First Month, 1780, I set out under 
concern to pay a religious visit [again] to the fami¬ 
lies of Friends in Bally ha gan meeting : the weather 
was very severe with frost and snow most of the 
time, but as I apprehended I saw no other time 
open to proceed in it, I went forward, and had. as 
before besides the sittings in the families, several 
meetings with about 180 persons not in membership. 
I found the life of religion to be low,—the form, 
which many rest in, too much neglected by others,— 
the plain language not kept to,—and a very general 
deficiency of attending week-day meetings, and 
First-day meetings by some; the sittings in the fam¬ 
ilies were exercising, and the spring of the ministry 
low, yet at times we were favoured with the arising 
of Life when least expected—the lost sheep were 
sought after, and a renewed call and visitation 
extended to them, inviting them to the Father’s 


JOHN CONKA N . 


103 


house where there is bread enough and to spare; 
but if they still continued to resist and rebel against 
the gracious invitations of Divine Mercy, that others 
would be called in, and fill their places at the Lord’s 
table. 

In the Eighth Month I paid a religious visit to 
the families of Friends in Charlemont meeting, 
under feelings of dear and heart-tendering love for 
them, and having been helped to perform the same, 
returned home with longing desires for their growth 
and establishment in the love of God through 
Christ Jesus. 

In 1788, I felt the drawings of [Gospel] love in 
my mind to visit the families of Friends of Carlow 
Monthly Meeting, and was accompanied therein 
by my friend Richard Shackleton. 

In the meeting for discipline of the National 
Meeting in the Fifth Month this year, I felt a 
secret requiring in my mind to consent to my dear 
wife going to the ensuing Yearly Meeting in 
London, to which I readily yielded, and it was 
very much to her satisfaction. She was there 
afterwards several times, when I accompanied her, 
always I may say to my edification and comfort; 
being at times, on these occasions, made sensible 
that the Lord was still with Zion, and that the 
shout of a King was-heard in her, which helped to 
confirm me in the faith in which I had believed— 
blessed be Hi3 holy name i 


104 


THE LIFE OF 


[No memoranda occur during the next seventeen 
years, in which interval he lost his beloved and 
only daughter; soon after this afflicting event he 
received the following letter of condolence from 
his friend Gervase Johnson, who was then travel¬ 
ling in the work of the ministry in America.] 

From Gervase Johnson to John Conran. 

New York, Fifth Month 23(2, 1799. 
Dear Friend, 

I received a letter last evening from a beloved 
friend, of the land that thou resides in, giving an 
account that thy dear and only daughter is deceased, 
and as I have thought it to be a great outward trial 
to thee and thy beloved wife, I desire to sympathize 
with you, my dear friends, in your trouble; but 
knowing that the Lord giveth and taketh away at 
His own good pleasure, I hope that you both are 
reconciled, and contented with His Divine will, and 
in your experience in being thus resigned, to give 
her up to the disposal of her heavenly Father, you 
will feel your bitter trials to be sweetened, which I 
doubt not is your comfortable experience. Oh ! my 
dear friends, knowing that all things will be parted 
from us, or we from them, is great teaching to us, 
that our sure happiness is in the great Giver of all 
good gifts, by loving, fearing, and serving Him ; 
under these considerations I feel the encouraging 


JOHN CONRAN. 


105 


language to arise in my heart on your accounts, 
that although many are the trials of the righteous, 
the Lord in His own time delivereth out of them 
all, and if they faint not, they will receive an in¬ 
heritance where all sorrow and tears will be done 
away. In my writing to thee, my dear friend, in 
thy tried situation, it is brought to my remem¬ 
brance, thy sympathizing brotherly regard for me 
in my deep trials, when about setting out on this 
trying journey, thy feeling sympathy on that im¬ 
portant occasion, I hope I shall never forget. 

Farewell, my beloved friend, my love is to thee, 
and thy dear wife, and son, and to all inquiring 
friends, and I am thy friend, 

Gervase Johnson. 

P.S.—This Yearly Meeting comes on the 28th 
inst., after it is over I have thought of going to¬ 
wards New England. 

[The reader is referred to the Memorials of 
Rebecca Jones, p. 279, for an interesting allusion 
to Gervase Johnson.] 

From Sarah Grubb to John Conran. 

Anner Mills, Second Month , 26 th , 1801. 

My hear Cousin, 

I am inclined to salute thee and my beloved 
Louisa, hoping that I am not wholly kept out of your 
remembrance in love, for I can aver that I love you, 


106 


THE LIFE OF 


and often visit you in your affliction with the best 
desires my feeble mind can aspirate. I feel re- 
newedly for you on the approaching Quarterly 
Meeting—oh ! what a time for the most approved! 
how hard to steer faultless ! and yet under- the ban¬ 
ners of the Captain of the soul’s salvation, con¬ 
quest is gained over evil in all its intricacies. 
Nothing has yet happened that can make us du¬ 
bious ; the Lamb and His followers, will have the 
victory; the point is to be Ills followers , and then 
all the fiery darts of the wicked one shall fail. A 
sore trial has come on the church, and it behoves 
all who wish the restoration of good order, to take 
strait steps, for there is not a disposition to feel 
compunction at cutting off the skirt of the robe of 
the anointed; the language may well be uttered, 
“ Rejoice not against me, 0 mine enemy,” and I 
trust some tried depreciated ones may say, “ When 
I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto 
me,” &c. Quietness seems one of the best weapons 
of defence, not a withholding through fear of man, 
but a watching unto prayer, that nothing may be 
attempted without the ability that cannot be foiled; 
great must be the suffering of the honest-hearted, 
but if it tend to deepen, if it awaken to righteous¬ 
ness, we may hope it will work for good, to those 
who hold fast the form of sound words, and are not 
shaken in mind, and that the dear people who stray 
from the fold, may be brought to see their error. 


JOHN CONRAN. 


107 


I ara comforted for jour sakes,that the dear Scotch 
women Friends are with you, we think Elizabeth 
[Wigharn] a well-instructed scribe, and her precious 

B-, walking in the same safe path. By letter 

from Moate, we find you are also to have dear M. S. 
and S. W.; the best wishes I am capable of attend 
you all—that nothing may be able to take you from 
under the sanctifying power of Truth, nor dismay 
you from espousing its cause, when favoured with the 
qualification. Probably you may have heard that 
at our Quarterly Meeting, a hope was raised that 
the Society of Friends was not yet forsaken, that 
continued mercy was extended for its members to 
walk acceptably, it was a memorable time. Dear 
Mary Dudley has been mostly confined since; 
Richard Jordan is now in our province, and we are 
daily expecting Samuel Smith. I apprehend Mary 
Ridgeway is shortly to be in London, in the course 
of her service. Sarah Lynes has had the concur¬ 
rence of her Monthly Meeting to hold public meet¬ 
ings in Friends’ meeting houses about London. 
Mortality awfully visits many of our dear friends 
and acquaintance : we miss the sweet spirit of my 
sister Grubb, she died as she lived, an example of 
meekness, suffered conflict by the apprehension 
of omitted duty, but cast herself on the mercy of 
Providence. 


S. G. 



108 


THE LIFE OF 


Ninth Month 6*A, 1805.—I left home under a 
concern which had attended my mind, to visit 
Friends in Munster province, and some parts of 
Leinster, and arrived in Waterford on the 14th. 
Next day I attended the fore and afternoon meet¬ 
ings there, under great discouragement and bodily 
weakness, having with much difficulty reached the 
city ; but was enabled through Divine favour to an¬ 
swer the service required of me in both meetings, 
to my own peace and solid satisfaction. [After per¬ 
forming the service required of him in those pro¬ 
vinces, he says,] In this visit I had to pass through 
many baptizing exercises, the state of the church 
being very low in sundry places; the cares of this 
world, and the eager pursuit after the lawful things 
of it, have, I fear, blinded the eyes of many, so that 
they make excuses that they cannot accept the invi¬ 
tations which have been so frequently held out by 
the servants, saying, “Behold all things are ready!” 
In some of these mortifying labours, wherein the 
creaturely part was humbled, I had peace. When 
I got to Mountmellick on the 12th of Tenth Month, 
I expected to have gone by Rathangan to Dublin, 
and home : but there I felt a fresh exercise on my 
mind drawing me to attend the Quarterly Meeting 
at Waterford, and after two days weighing it I gave 
up to the requiring, believing it was from the Lord; 
and in that meeting, [especially] in the meetings of 


JOHN CONRAN. 


109 


discipline and select meeting, I felt my mind much 
engaged in the service of them, which afforded me 
peace, and I left that city with a comfortable hope 
that I had been in my place there. 

In passing through the county of Wexford my 
covering was deep poverty, except at Enniscorthy 
where I felt some openness, principally to strangers, 
to whom my spirit was drawn in much love, which 
I believe proceeded from Him who is love, to salute 
them and invite them to come and partake of the 
dainties of His table. As I travelled on, my mind 
sometimes looked towards home, but I could not 
feel any thing but a deep baptizing exercise of 
trouble, which at those times sunk my spirits greatly; 
I endeavoured to support myself under these con¬ 
flicts with the impression, that I had not lightly 
undertaken this journey, having had it on my mind 
about fourteen months or more, and I went on it 
in the faith and full belief it was necessary I should 
not hold back any longer. 

I sat three meetings in Dublin silent, and since 
to this date have only spoken in testimony once. 
My spirit feels forsaken, ashes are on my head 
spiritually, feeling myself made inwardly sensible, 
that I am altogether unworthy and unfit to speak 
in the name of the Lord, almost saying with Moses, 
“ Send by whom thou wilt send,’’ for I neither 
desire, nor can I go; and in this disposition I re¬ 
joice that I am set at liberty from dealing any 


110 


THE LIFE OF 


more with a people whose ears are dull of hear¬ 
ing—eyes they have, but they see not the beauty 
there is in the Truth—hearts they have, but they 
understand not the things which concern their 
everlasting peace ! May the Lord in His gracious 
condescending mercy, once more say to His people. 
Arise, and shake yourselves from the dust of the 
earth, and put on thy beautiful garments, Oh ! 
Jerusalem; that Zion may once more become the 
praise of the whole earth, that she may again travail 
and bring forth children, to the praise of the great 
Name !—Twelfth Month 19 th, 1805. 

I travelled home the 5th of the Eleventh Month 
from the above journey, and found my dear wife in 
a very low way and poor state of health, and her 
disorder increasing rapidly. She continued to sink 
until the 4th of Twelfth Month, when she quietly 
departed, and I trust, has obtained a mansion in her 
heavenlyFathers’s house, which I believe she faith¬ 
fully laboured for from the age of about fifteen 
years. At that early age, I have heard, she showed 
marks of Divine visitation, and giving up to the 
heavenly vision, she was enabled thereby to order 
her conversation in such a circumspect manner, as to 
be a good example to the youth who were cotempo¬ 
rary with her; her presence among them kept down 
all levity without using any austere remonstrances, 
or giving such advice as seemed to claim superiority 
over them. She [thus in the morning of life] 


JOHN CONRAN. 


Ill 


preached the cross to the beloved youth, by daily 
taking of it up, and praised her Lord and Master, as 
being worthy of being obeyed, by obeying Him. 
Her company was sought by her elders, who saw 
in her that wisdom was not confined to grey hairs, 
nor an unspotted life to old age; for she mani¬ 
fested, that by an early and faithful dedication to 
the operation of the Divine grace in her heart, both 
might be shown forth, in a conversation evidently 
coupled with the fear and love of God, to the com¬ 
fort and consolation of many Friends who were 
her intimates. The first time I saw her, which was 
at a funeral at Dublin, her appearance to me was 
that of a disciple of Christ. I was then under the 
discipline of the cross, having been united to the 
Lord’s church and family about two years. 

[After we were married] she proved to me a 
faithful and exercised companion in many tribula¬ 
tions, the worst of which was from false brethren ; 
and being a woman of an excellent and discerning 
spirit, was made useful to me in advice and counsel, 
having the qualification and being in the station 
of an elder in the church ; which gift she exercised 
in this Quarterly Meeting oftentimes in great 
weakness and fear, being not only modest in ex¬ 
ercising her talent, but also diffident, preferring 
others to herself. Poverty was very often the cover¬ 
ing of her spirit, but it had a blessing with it, for 


112 


THE LIFE OF 


slie was of much use, and had great pi ace hereaway, 
so that her removal is deeply regretted by the few 
who are well concerned in this quarter. I may say 
she was faithful in her attendance of meetings, both 
at home and the Yearly and Half-Year’s Meetings in 
Dublin, where her value was acknowledged by her 
sisters sometimes choosing her as clerk. She was 
four times at the Yearly Meeting in London ; the 
first time she acted as assistant-clerk, which made 
her acquainted with many valuable Friends in that 
nation,whose friendship and sympathy she obtained. 

The last Monthly Meeting she attended was in 
company with three Friendsfrom England, who were 
travelling in Truth’s service, when I was from home, 
one of whom, I was told, in the Women’s Meeting, 
bore testimony that there was one present whose 
day’s work was over—that He who had been 
her morning light would become her evening 
song—that there w r as a mansion prepared for 
her, and that her rest would be glorious. When 
her sickness in the beginning did not appear very 
alarming, she, on waking from sleep once told 
me she expected to die of that sickness, and that 
she had had a secret intimation of it in that 
sleep. From that time she turned her thoughts 
heavenward, and w T as very frequent in supplica¬ 
tion that the Lord w T ould look upon her in mercy. 
She at one time expressed her unqualified belief 
in the Divine Nature of Jesus Christ, through 


JOHN CONRAN. 


113 


whom she expected remission of sins. She said the 
principles of Friends were the principles of Truth, 
that she always believed in them, and was willing to 
lay down her life for the testimony of Jesus. After 
she had been silent for many hours, and I scarcely 
expected she would speak again, I heard her saying 
in a low voice, “ Who is this great enemy that sur¬ 
rounds me ? (meaning death, I believe,) Christ will 
overcome him.” She called up her maid-servants 
and gave them excellent advice to the tendering of 
their hearts, desiring them to make truth and 
honesty their guide ; she prayed fervently for me 
and her son, who was present, advised him to be 
affectionate and dutiful to me, and that when I 
looked on him I should remember her. She desired 
to be remembered to sundry Friends, and said that 
she loved every one. Thus was this beloved partner 
taken from me, after living in sweet fellowship up¬ 
wards of twenty-two years. Many times I was 
bowed in humble thankfulness to the great and 
good Giver of this first of earthly blessings I had 
received at His merciful hands. I sensibly feel the 
loss I have of her sweet society, but this is in degree 
compensated for by the lively hope I have, that it is 
her everlasting gain. As I stood at the grave my 
spirit felt clothed with such serenity and stillness, 
that my sorrow ceased and resignation took up the 
place of it; and though there was not any publie 
8 


114 


THE LI EE OF 


testimony borne, yet the sweet peace that w*as felt 
was more encouraging than words. Her remains 
were interred in Friends’ burying-ground, at Lis¬ 
burn, the 6th of Twelfth Month, 1805, aged fifty 
years and eight months. 

From S. Grubb to John Conran, on occasion 

OF THE DEATH OF HIS WIFE. 

Anner Mills, Twelfth Month 11 1\ 1805. 

My Dear Cousin, 

I am obliged and consoled by thy letter of the 
Tth inst. It is a great favour to feel an anchor to 
the soul under such circumstances as thine, and it 
seems a beatitude of the Divine Being to sustain 
when he sees meet to deprive us of our dearest ties. 
I have found him near to me at such junctures, 
and have traced it in many instances, but like other 
beams of sunshine, it withdraws after a season, and 
then we feel our stripped state, which would be 
insupportable, but for the recollection that the ever¬ 
lasting Arm had been underneath. Thou wilt, my 
dear cousin, have frequent necessity to take this 
retrospect, and to supplicate for a continuance of 
sustaining help; for theendearingness of her whom 
thou hast been deprived of will often break in upon 
thy solitary mind; thou wilt miss her as Lady 
Rachel Russell said of her husband, “ sleeping, 
waking* walking, at meals,” and in divers other 


JOHN CONRAN. 


115 


ways : so that all will seem insipid without her. I 
had no doubt she would die the death of the righ¬ 
teous, and that her latter end would be like theirs. 
I believe she was a nursing mother to many. I 
wish tby desire for us, who must follow, may be 
brought into effect; I have many and well grounded 
fears for myself, it often seems as if nothing but a 
miraculous interference could rescue me from the 
accuser of the brethren. I trust thou feels peace¬ 
ful in the winding up of thy service in this province; 
it must have consoled thy dear wife that thou yielded 
obedience to that requiring ; I thought thou seemed 
preserved in a humble state of mind, may it be the 
covering of thy spirit to the end of time ! 

I am thy sincere friend, 

S. Grubb. 

Tenth Month 8th, 1807.—I left home for the 
Quarterly Meeting at Waterford. 

11 th. —First-day morning meeting was a very 
low season to me ; the state of the Jewish church, 
in the time of Nicodemus, was opened before me, 
who, though a master in Israel, and a ruler among 
the Jews, appeared to know nothing of the spiritual 
doctrine of regeneration, though perhaps well in¬ 
structed in the questions and traditions of his 
church ; this may be the state of too many amongst 
us, who have heard by the ear, and their fathers 


116 


THE LIFE OF 


have declared to them the truths of the Gospel, yet 
if they do not experience the new birth in them¬ 
selves, and hear and obey the voice of Christ, they 
are standing on the same foundation this ruler was, 
and cannot clearly comprehend the meaning and 
intent of this doctrine no more than he could. 

The Quarterly Meeting was held the 17th, 18th, 
and 19th, they were seasons of trial to me, being 
under a burden which I was unable to lay down. 

20 th .—Meeting for worship at parting : I felt a 
desire to stay over the week-day meeting, and 
afterwards to go to Clonmel to be at their meet¬ 
ings on First-day. 

2 5th .—At Clonmel, the evening meeting was to 
me a cloudy and low time, but a little opening 
appearing, I was enabled to show that the form 
did not entitle us to be children of the promise, 
though we may call Abraham our father ; I had also 
to call to the worldly-minded, &c., and was favoured 
with liberty in this meeting to my comfort. This 
day I felt a pointing in my mind to stay over the 
Monthly Meeting here next Fifth-day ; these inti¬ 
mations can only be compared to holding forth a 
finger to a distant object, yet I am afraid but to 
acknowledge them, and when fulfilled they afford 
peace. 

29 th. —Monthly Meeting, a low time to me; I sat 
in silence in the first meeting, and had one observa- 


JOHN CONRAN. 


117 


tion to make, on a case before the meeting, whether 
Friends should receive a written acknowledgment 
from a person who had taken an oath, which he 
condemned as inconsistent with our discipline, and 
against the spirit of the Gospel—a Friend thought 
it was not full enough: I remarked, that when 
the prodigal remembered his father’s house, his 
father w r ent forth to meet him and brought him 
in ; I felt tenderness to cover my mind, and was 
fearful the band which united him to the Society 
would snap if strained much tighter. 

On reaching home on the 9th of Eleventh 
Month, I felt peace and satisfaction from this 
journey. When I was in Waterford, I felt at 
times as if I should be obliged to enter on a family 
visit there, which very much humbled me in view¬ 
ing the weight of the service and feeling my own 
weakness, but through Divine favour it passed 
away and I was easy. 

From George Stacey to John Conran. 

London, Twelfth Month , 18^, 1807. 

Dear Friend, 

The tender sympathy thou hast expressed in the 
situation of our dear child demands that I should 
not be long in acknowledging the receipt of thy 
letter, and this I can do the more gratefully as we 


118 


THE LIFE OF 


are favoured with some a ppearance of convalescence. 
For this prospect, and many other comforts and 
enjoyments, we are strongly called upon to manifest 
gratitude ; and I sometimes wish there was greater 
prevalence of this quality felt and displayed—a 
quality, which, when we consider our relative and 
dependent situation, and the goodness of the all- 
bounteous Source, ought to fill the mind; but re¬ 
flections like these are too often supplanted by the 
proprietorship we assume in those very enjoyments 
which the great Giver furnishes us with, and com¬ 
placency in the gifts benumbs our perception of 
what is due to Him that gave them. 

We feel much with thee in thy bereft and soli¬ 
tary situation, considering also that its poignancy 
is not likely to be abated by the aids, which some 
of us more favourably circumstanced derive, from 
the intercourse of feeling minds; yet He whom 
thou lovest is omnipresent, and doubtless will ap¬ 
portion of His consolations as He gives to partake 
of trials, in such time and manner as shall ulti¬ 
mately tend to the soul’s revivement and happi¬ 
ness : in holding this belief how much has the 
traveller Zionward the advantage even in this life, 
over him, whose hope perishes with time ! 

We had heard, through the pen of James Abell 
to one of our neighbours, of thy having paid an 
acceptable visit to some of the southern meetings, 


JOHN CONRAN. 


119 


and we are glad to find from thyself that the re¬ 
sult is peaceful. From thy silence respecting the 
state of things in your province, I fear much of a 
consolatory kind cannot be said. Have any of 
those that withdrew found their way back, or is 
any disposition manifested to come more into the 
unity? If they could retrace their steps, and sub¬ 
mit to be broken to pieces, they would perhaps be 
bound up again so as to be brighter than ever ; but 
this work of humiliation is hard to flesh and blood! 
We had rather find an apology for our mis-steps 
in the supposed conduct of others, than come under 
that baptism which brings the sword upon all se¬ 
cret corruptions and disloyalty. 

My wife joins in endeared love with thy affec¬ 
tionate friend, 

George Stacey. 

From John Conran to D. C. 

Dear Friend, 

Thou hast been frequently the subject of my 
secret and serious meditations some years past, at a 
time also when a larger share of intimacy subsisted 
between us than has done of late : I beheld thee 
as a servant who had been honoured and dignified 
with a precious gift, or designed for usefulness and 
service in the church, I mean as a nursing mother 
in our Israel. His blessed eye, that is looking over 


120 


THE LIFE OF 


all His works, saw in that day the state of IIi.3 
church in this quarter, to use the metaphor recorded 
in Scripture on a similar occasion, “ there was 
neither sword nor spear among forty thousand in 
Israel l” The Lord’s ways are not as our ways, 
He employs secondary causes to bring about His 
gracious purposes, and which bear the resemblance 
of the usual means in human affairs. How often has 
He made use of His holy ordinance of marriage, to 
translate a living instrument from one quarter of 
the vinyard to another, even from one nation to 
another; and often this translation has been a 
means of raising them up, and qualifying them for 
usefulness and service in their new destination, in 
the wise ordering of Him who sleepeth not by day, 
nor slumbereth by night. And although the mul¬ 
titude, who are thus mercifully cared for, perceive 
not this His fatherly regard; yet He is thus, season 
after season, watching over His flock, and delegat¬ 
ing the shepherds, giving them a charge, as He did 
to Peter formerly, to feed his sheep and his lambs, 
if lie loved Him; happy indeed is that servant 
whom: his Master, when He cometh to take an ac¬ 
count of His servants, shall find so doing! 

Now, my dear friend, I believe thy marriage was 
of this nature; natural affection was the outward 
means to bring thee here, but I believe the Lord’s 
hand was underneath, to make use of thee, and 


JOHN CONRAN. 


121 


those talents He has entrusted thee with, for the 
service of Ilis family in this quarter. If we may 
judge of great things by small, we may see with 
His truly dedicated and devoted servants, that 
almost every thought of their hearts is to be found 
doing their heavenly Father’s will, so I am per¬ 
suaded the holy Head and High Priest of the 
church is going to and fro, up and down, looking 
after the wants and necessities of His family, and 
affording them assistance one way or other. I have 
been jealous over thee, I trust with a degree of 
godly jealousy, [querying] how thou hast made use 
of thy Lord’s money. The unfaithful steward, 
when under a sense of great poverty—to dig he 
would not, and to beg he was ashamed—wisely 
went among his Lord’s debtors, asking how much 
they owed to their Lord; mayest thou, my dear 
friend, in much [sincerity] put the impartial query 
to thyself, how much dost thou owe? Talents are 
not given to any of us to lay up or bury, but to 
make use of to the praise of the Great Giver ; thy 
candle has been lighted and placed on a candle¬ 
stick, what for ?—that it might enlighten the house, 
and show forth His praise. If it has done so it is 
well—it is not for me to judge; my concern at 
present is to awaken an inquiry, and put thee in mind 
that the hour is coming on thee and me, and per¬ 
haps is nearer than we may expect, when we must 


122 


THE LIFE OF 


go forth and meet the Bridegroom; and happy 
will it be for those who shall be found ready to 
enter in with Him, and receive the blessed sentence 
of, 44 Well done, thou hast been faithful over the 
little, thou shalt be made joyful in the house of 
thy God!” 

Farewell, with near and brotherly affection I 
salute thee, 

John Conran. 


JOHN CONRAN. 


123 


CHAPTER y. 

ATTENDS SUNDRY MEETINGS, FROM 1808 TO 1812- 

VISITS TIIE FAMILIES IN WATERFORD, CLONMEL, 
AND CORK—VARIOUS EXERCISES AND SERVICES 
AROUND HOME. 

Fourth Month 23c?, 1808. —I attended the 
Yearly Meeting in Dublin : some of the Meetings 
I think were overshadowed with solemnity, which 
very much kept down the wisdom of man; a 
large committee of men and women w T ere appointed, 
to consider the state of the Society as represented 
by the answers to the queries, they had sundry 
sittings, which were in general to satisfaction, and 
the state of things was pretty fully opened. 

Fourth Month, 1809. —I attended the Yearly 
Meeting at Dublin as usual: the national com¬ 
mittee produced some parts of the minutes of the 
National Meeting of Ireland, which they had been 
engaged in, to assimilate some of them to the 
English minutes, and to revise, and if needful, to 
abridge; that part which was finished was read 
and approved, and desired to be used in the place 
of all others. 

I attended this year all the.Quarterly Meetings 


124 


THE LIFE OF 


in this province, and all our own Monthly Meetings, 
and visited the families of Friends of Moyallen 
meeting, in company with Thomas Shillitoe, and 
William Neale of Mountrath meeting. 

Fourth Month , 1810.—At the Yearly Meeting 
in Dublin, the remaining minutes were read and 
approved, and the whole ordered to be printed and 
distributed to the several Monthly Meetings. A com¬ 
mittee of men and women Friends were appointed 
to consider the state of the several Quarterly Meet¬ 
ings, which was taken up in a solid manner; the 
many outrunnings in marriage, especially among the 
females, brought a lively concern over the committee 
to endeavour to find a remedy against this evil, and 
as it is most prevalent in the province of Ulster, 
where the largest share of Friends are in low cir¬ 
cumstances, it was proposed and agreed to raise a 
fund through the nation, to be placed at the dis¬ 
posal of a suitable committee of that province, to 
encourage good conduct in the youth of both sexes, 
by assisting such with a sum of money as their funds 
will afford, on their entering into the engagements 
of life, either in marriage or suitable business, as 
the committee may think proper; this was agreed 
to, and an order sent to the different Quarterly 
Meetings to put forward such a subscription. I 
think we had cause to believe that some of our 
sittings were Divinely owned ; also this committee, 


JOHN CONRAN. 


125 


in their care and concern for the body, and the 
preservation of the discipline. 

Sixth Month .—I attended the Quarterly Meet¬ 
ing held at Richhill, and was very unwell with a 
cold which deprived me of my voice, so that I con¬ 
cluded that I could not speak intelligibly; but in the 
afternoon meeting I felt the word of life strong in 
me to advocate several of our testimonies which the 
worldly spirit calls singularities, but was enabled to 
prove that they are consistent both with Scripture 
and reason. The testimony [of Truth] was set 
over these objectors, and the meeting concluded, 
I believe, to the satisfaction of Friends, and to 
my own admiration that I was so supported over 
my indisposition and hoarseness. 

Seventh Month 12th .—I laid before the Monthly 
Meeting a concern which had attended my mind, 
to pay a visit to the families of Friends of Water¬ 
ford Meeting, which had arisen when I was in that 
city near three years before, and had exercised my 
mind at sundry times since. Friends took it un¬ 
der consideration, and left me at liberty to pursue 
that and such other service as Truth might open 
for and require. 

Eighth Month 21th .—Monthly Meeting at Water¬ 
ford : I presented my certificate and laid my con¬ 
cern before Friends, who appointed a Friend to ac¬ 
company meii In this meeting I had to remind them 


1*26 


THE LIFE' OF 


of that declaration, that we have all sinned and 
fallen short, hut how far, or the extent, we ought 
[each to seek] to know for ourselves. Our great ad¬ 
versary endeavours to palliate, and is very expert 
in using arguments to set us at ease in [our sins], 
but if we bring them to the discovering light of 
Christ in our minds, we shall see them as they are 
in the sight of God, where no palliations or excuses 
will cover them from His righteous judgments, 
which will be revealed against every thing that is 
not of His own begetting; therefore, I exhorted 
Friends to bring their deeds to this light that they 
may pass under the flaming sword, for nothing 
that is unclean, or done in the will of the creature, 
will be permitted to enter that kingdom -which is 
purity, peace, and joy, in the Holy Spirit. 

Ninth Month 21th .—I came to Clonmel, and. 
entered on the visit there to Friends’ families, 
and in concluding it was favoured with peace 
after many deep baptisms. 

Tenth Month 20th .—The Quarterly Meeting at 
Waterford was attended by Henry Hull from New 
York Government in America, Martha Brewster 
from Bury, in England, and sundry other Friends. 
In the concluding sitting of the Select Meeting I 
laid before Friends a concern that had attended my 
mind for some time past, to visit the families of 
Cork Meeting, which, after deliberate consider- 


JOHN CONRAN. 12T 

ation. was united with, and I set out on the 27th 
for Clonmel, in company with Henry Hull. 

28th .—Henry Hull was largely and instructively 
engaged in the morning and afternoon meetings at 
Clonmel. 

30th .—A large public meeting, at which was sup¬ 
posed to be about 700 persons; our testimonies were 
explained in a satisfactory manner by Henry Hull, 
on whom the whole of the public service fell. 

Eleventh Month 8th .—Monthly Meeting at Cork, 
I laid before Friends my prospect of visiting the 
families of that meeting, with which the meeting 
concurred, and Henry Hull offered to accompany 
me to some of the families. 

[John Conran was enabled to perform this ser¬ 
vice, and after attending Limerick and Mountmel- 
lick meetings, also the Quarterly Meeting held at 
Carlow, from the 2-9th of the Twelfth Month to the 
1st of First Month 1811, inclusive, returned home, 
on which occasion he remarks] : I do not find that 
I have much to say, only that I endeavoured to be 
faithful to that which had the appearance of duty, 
often labouring in little and low places, at which 
times duty and faith were closely tried ; and after 
having done the little, the only reward was not to 
feel condemnation, and therewith to be content. 
On leaving Cork I felt my mind ofttimes broken into 
tenderness, and in much love to Friends of that 


128 


THE LITE OF 


meeting, which continued with me pretty much to 
Limerick, and was the same love that drew me to 
engage in that service. 

Fourth Month 25th, 1811.—I left home to attend 
the Yearly Meeting in Dublin. In this meeting 
we had the company of Henry Hull from North 
America. I had a suffering time, mostly in silence, 
especially in the meetings for discipline, which to 
me were heavy. I returned home after the Meeting. 

In the Eleventh Month, I accompanied Ann 
Burgess from Leicester round the Lough. We held 
public meetings in the following places to good satis¬ 
faction, viz.: Newtown, Donaghadee, Belfast, An¬ 
trim, Grange, Ballinacree, Colerain, and Movallen. 

Twelfth Month 1$£.—The Quarterly Meeting in 
Lurgan, which was large and attended by S. G. and 
Ann Burgess, both of whom I thought were much 
favoured, being well qualified to open the principles 
to those who are without. The meeting for discipline 
was conducted in harmony, and the select meeting 
again re-instated, which had been laid aside for 
about twelve years. 

John Conran to Ann Burgess. 

Twelfth Month 14th, 1811. 

Dear Friend, 

I received thy kind and sympathizing letter, which 
was truly acceptable to me. Thy proposed plan of 


JOHN CONRAN. 


129 


my removing into Lisburn, and getting shelter in 
some Friend’s family, I have often considered here¬ 
tofore ; but in viewing in my mind the several 
situations there among Friends, I could not see any 
one in that Light which is profitable to direct, 
therefore, for the present have abandoned that 
design. If I took a lodging there, dieting by my¬ 
self would be uncomfortable ; and a house*, -which 
I once inclined to, might prove too burdensome. 
So that, my dear and much respected friend, I do 
not see a better way at present than to wait the 
Lord’s time, apprehending the-trials and provings 
I now pass through are by His permission, for 
further purification and refinement. 

When I went abroad with thee it was in the 
cross, having a great dislike to that desolated part 
of our province. Since w r e separated I have remem¬ 
bered with secret satisfaction our movements, and 
that inward union and fellowship which flows from 
our holy Head to the living members of his body; 
this the world knows not of, their friendships are of 
this world ; “ but,” says our holy High Priest, “ye 
are not of this world, I have called you out of this 
world,” its pursuits and vanities ! Blessed call in¬ 
deed, oh ! that all who heard it were obedient to it; 
their peace would flow as a river, and their hearts 
and hands -would be lifted up with thanksgivings 
and praises on the banks of deliverance. 

9 


130 


THE LIFE OF 


Thou art serving a good Master, and I believe 
with faithful dedication, be thou faithful unto death 
as well as unto life, that thou mayst inherit the 
crown of life. The apostle says he was in deaths 
oft, a state of deep humiliation necessary for the 
Lord’s favoured servants to experience; this is the 
preparation of the heart which is not of man, it is 
of the Lord, because here we can cast down every 
crown and high imagination of ourselves ; and the 
baptism sometimes is so deep that we scarcely dare 
look up to Heaven only to say, “ Have mercy on 
me, lam a sinner.” Although we are buried with 
Him, yet when thus tried, remember, my dear 
friend, for thy oonsolation, the precious life which at 
times we do much rejoice in is safe, being hid with 
Him in God, the sure hiding place and refuge of the 
just and righteous of all ages. Though I write 
these things to thee, they are I believe thy own 
already ; yet in these baptisms our faith is tried 
to a hair’s breadth, but out of the mouths of two 
or three witnesses the word is established. 

J. C. 

John Conran to James Abell, (under deep 
trials.) 

Dublin, Fifth Month 1$£, 1812. 

Dear Friend, 

I received thy very acceptable letter by our 
mutual friend, Johi) Leckey, which came in a time 


J 0 ii N CONRAN. 


131 


when my mind w r as dipped into sympathy with the 
Seed, which I feared would be felt in a suffering 
state in various sittings of the approaching solem¬ 
nity. On the approach of these solemn seasons 
my lot is a suffering one, and though painful to the 
natural part in us, we ought not to repine in being 
companions with our dear Lord and Master, and 
accounted worthy to suffer with Him; that when 
our measure is filled up in His militant church, we 
may be favoured to have a mansion of His prepar¬ 
ing in His triumphant church, in His holy presence, 
and in the company of His saints and angels, where 
the wicked cease from troubling, and all sorrows are 
wip^d away. This state, which is attainable, and is 
set before us that we may endeavour to attain it, is 
worth patiently submitting to the light afflictions of 
this present season for. Though we are at seasons 
crowned with the heavenly gift, yet, if the wicked 
are permitted to make it a crown of thorns, and we 
have to feel the sharpness of them as well as the 
shame, the disciple is not above or better than his 
Master; He also was crowned in both capacities, 
but the submissive language of His spirit w*as, (let 
us remember it,) “Not my will but thy will, 0 
Father, be done.” His holy will concerning the 
members of His church is sanctification, and if His 
unerring wisdom choses the furnace for that end, 
He can bring us forth as He did the three children 


132 


THE LIFE OF 


formerly, in safety, their garments undestroyed, and 
their bodies without the smell of fire upon them, for 
the angel of His Divine presence was with them, 
and is still with His afflicted little ones, who are 
preferring Him to their chiefest joy in this world. 

I remember the saying of a dear friend, Thomas 
Scattergood, under a holy influence, to me when 
under deep suffering, “ Satan hath desired to have 
thee to sift thee as wheat, but I have prayed for 
thee that thy faith fail notand his holy prayer 
proved availing, even to this very day, enabling to 
speak well of the Lord’s name, because His mercy 
endureth, and will endure from one generation to 
another. I nearly sympathize with thee, my^dear 
friend, in thy present suffering state, but not as 
Job’s friends, in a similar trying dispensation, with 
presumption; no my dear friend, but under a full 
persuasion that thy trials are in unutterable wisdom, 
to purify and to bring thee to a more full acknow¬ 
ledgment of the depths of His counsel—that thou 
hadst known Him like Job, in an unspotted life and 
conversation, and brought praise to His Truth. Yet 
here is not to be our rest, but to obtain a further 
knowledge of Him, in which every other considera¬ 
tion may be abased, and we bow ourselves before 
Him in dust and ashes, that He alone may be con¬ 
fessed, and His name (power) be exalted in us and 
Over all, blessed for ever ! I salute thee, my dear 


JOHN CONRAN. 


133 


friend, in the fresh feeling of that love which I be¬ 
lieve flows at this time from the Fountain that will 
never be drawn dry, though flowing from generation 
to generation, at which the Lord’s flock have at all 
times been made to drink, and of which the flocks 
of the stranger cannot partake. And may He who 
dwelt in the bush and it was not consumed, dwell 
in thee, and thou in Him, so that the arrows of the 
archers may be blunted and turned aside, and the 
Lord may have the acknowledgment of praise, is 
the sincere desire of thy affectionate brother, 

John Conran. 

v To John Conran. 

Esteemed Friend, 

May the protecting Arm of Divine Power shield 
thee through the yet remaining conflicts, that thou 
may know a safe landing in the haven of an eternal 
rest! Thy love has been great to the Beloved of 
souls, manifested by thy attachment to His cause 
on the earth, which thou hast espoused and adhered 
unto in a day of shaking, when many were blowm 
away, and have mingled with the chaff that floats in 
the air ! What a favour in the part of the county 
thou lives in ! Oh ! that thou mayst know the An¬ 
cient of days to be with thee now when old age is 
making its ravages, that thou mayst be the encour- 
ager of the younger branches of the family whom 


134 


THE LIFE OF 


the Head of the church may bring forth into use¬ 
fulness. My spirit was united to some of those, 
for whose establishment in the Truth I have de¬ 
sired, that the walls of our Zion, which have been 
marred, may be completely restored and built up, 
that there may be rendered unto the Lord of 
Hosts the glory that is due. Then will He re¬ 
store unto Israel judges as at the first, and coun¬ 
sellors as in the beginning ! In the fellowship of 
the Gospel I conclude remaining thy friend, 

Henry Hull 

Fifth Month , 1812.—I attended the Yearly 
Meeting in Dublin, which was large, and at times 
favoured with a living spring of Gospel ministry, 
to the edifying and comfort of the living part of 
the family. The meetings of business were also 
favoured with the calming influence of Divine 
Power, so as to cause the waves to be still, which 
were at times distressing, occasioned by three 
appeals from the province of Munster, which has 
been cause of exercise to some there for several 
years past, and occasioned a breach of love among 
them. The state of that province coming weightily 
before the meeting at this time, a visit to it was 
appointed, and my name was set down for that 
service with five others, to meet at Limerick Quar¬ 
terly Meeting in the Seventh Month, and to pro¬ 
ceed further as Truth may open the way. 


JOHN CONRAN. 


135 


In the Seventh Month, I left home to attend the 
Quarterly Meeting at Limerick, the several sittings 
of which proved to me seasons of deep suffering, 
and I found no relief in them till the last sitting, 
which w r as closed, when I requested a pause might 
be made, after which I laid down my burthen, and 
[expressed] the exercise I had passed through, 
which was deep suffering ; the occasion of it I dare 
not conjecture, fearing to be found in the seat of 
judgment, but referred the judgment to each, to 
examine themselves, how far they had contributed 
to this distress which was now felt to cover the 
minds of the living amongst us. The meeting 
closed in a painful manner to me, feeling little or 
no relief. Next day in the meeting for worship, I 
had an open time to the youth, of whom there was 
a large number present, and'the meeting ended 
comfortably. I then went to Mountmellick, and 
remained there nearly two weeks, attending the 
meetings in course, which felt to me to be low and 
exercising seasons, very little ability afforded to 
minister till the day I left it, when I was concerned 
in the week-day meeting, to express my sense of 
sundry states—some, in whom the precious seed 
of God's kingdom was covered with the clods of 
the earth, which prevented its growth—in others, 
the briars and thorns choked it—whilst some were 
soaring aloft, above the simplicity of Truth, and 


136 


THE LIFE OF 


entering into airy speculations concerning those 
things which can only be known by the revelation 
of the Father; it was by this revelation that 
Abraham saw Christ’s day, and was glad, and the 
prophets saw it and foretold it; some were called 
to come down from the above state of self exalta¬ 
tion, by Him who is willing to enter in, and abide 
with them, if they will but obey His call. I left 
this place not altogether relieved from the burthen 
I had to bear, being sensible how hard it is for the 
voice of the servant to be effectually heard by those 
who have not submitted themselves to the voice 
which has spoken, and is speaking from heaven. 

24th of Eighth Month, I set out for Dublin, and 
after attending three meetings there, and our Quar¬ 
terly Meeting near Charlemont, returned home. 
Since that time I have had very low poor times in 
and out of meetings, and sometimes under the ne¬ 
cessity of ministering in some of them in little and 
low places; but I believe these dispensations are 
in that wisdom which is profitable to direct, that 
we may experience the few barley loaves to be 
sufficient. 

Twelfth Month .—The Quarterly Meeting at Lur- 
gan, was, I thought, at times favoured, and in some 
of the sittings my mind was comforted in feeling 
that Divine goodness was near to us, and acknow¬ 
ledged our assembly with a holy solemnity, in which 


JOHN CONRAN. 


137 


ability was afforded (I hope) to minister to several 
states present: the meeting concluded to satisfac¬ 
tion and the comfort of the living. 

1813.—I have been greatly tried for these twelve- 
months, with a stripped state, and with various 
temptations, the subtle adversary being permitted 
to assault me in various shapes, and repeatedly to 
roar against me, and terrify me with inward and 
fearful impressions on my mind. But these trials 
turned to a good account for me, by drawing me to 
seek for help from Him on whom help is laid, and 
through gracious condescension, in the needful 
time, His Divine presence was manifested in my 
soul, His holy light dispelled the darkness and ad¬ 
ministered strength ; so that in the frequent suc¬ 
cessions of these trials, strength was added to 
strength, holy confidence succeeded weakness, and 
I was hereby made measurably strong in the Lord, 
and by the power of His might enabled to rest in 
hope, that He who had been with me in many tribu¬ 
lations would never forsake me in my latter days ; 
yet my faith was often closely tried. I attended 
the Yearly Meeting in Dublin this year, and had 
but little to offer in it, especially in the meetings 
for discipline, which to me were cloudy ; I fear that 
the knowledge of the letter too much prevailed, 
which I believe casts a shadow over the brightness 
which otherwise would be seen, and in which alone 


138 


THE LIFE OF 


the discipline can be suitably and comfortably con¬ 
ducted. 

I have at times felt my mind drawn to attend the 
meeting at Lisburn, to which I formerly belonged 
—in it my spirit has been baptized into a painful 
and trying state of poverty, and in the cross I have 
had to minister in this dry and barren state without 
feeling relieved. Oh! the love of the world, how 
overwhelming it is, and chokes the precious seed 
that the good Husbandman has sown in His field ! 
Some now, as formerly, cannot bear sound doctrine, 
but would rather say to the servants, prophesy to 
us smooth things, prophesy deceits: but such phy¬ 
sicians are of no value who would cry, Peace, peace, 
■when there is no peace but what the world gives. 

Twelfth Month 1st .—Many are and have been 
the trials and tribulations I have had to pass 
through, both in my public and private capacity. 
My afflictions are great, and I seem often left com¬ 
fortless, and at seasons ready to conclude that I 
would no more speak in the name of the Lord, and 
have ofttimes gone to meeting with that resolution ; 
but -when the word of life has sprung up in my 
heart, I could not refrain, and words would almost 
burst from my lips; and though no condemnation 
would follow, yet constant poverty of spirit would 
be my covering, and mortifying recollections of my 
past life would impress my mind, and sink me into 


JOHN CONRAN. 


139 


great abasedness of soul, therein acknowledging my 
unworthiness and unfitness to take the great and 
holy name of my God in my lips; but to this state 
I submit, and bear it patiently, as I am made sen¬ 
sible it is truly my desert. 

The Quarterly Meeting is now near, and it 
brings a considerable share of weight over my 
mind, as I do not know of any other minister likely 
to be present, and deep poverty is my attendant; 
but to the great Head of the church I commit His 
family hereaway, and hope He will have compas¬ 
sion on them, and send them home satisfied that 
it was good that they were there. 

The Quarterly Meeting is now ended, and it was 
well attended for the time of the year; the meetings 
for worship were I think favoured, and I got 
through the service which presented to my peace and 
satisfaction. The first sitting of the meeting for dis¬ 
cipline felt to me in danger of being disturbed, I 
thought Satan was present with us, and once or 
oftener showed his head ; but the Lord was pleased 
to own us, and he was kept down, and a close ex¬ 
ercise and watch prevailing, the business was con¬ 
cluded to satisfaction. The answer to the query 
‘ how meetings are kept up’ brought an exercise over 
Friends, that a Committee was appointed (of which 
I was one) to attend all the Monthly Meetings, and 
assist them in making appointments to visit the 
deficient, and to stir them up to more diligence. 


140 


THE LIFE OF 


Third Month 1th , 1814.—The Quarterly Meet¬ 
ing at Lisburn : the meetings for discipline were 
low. Friends too generally are not sufficiently 
watchful over their own spirits, to keep them in 
obedience to Christ, in whom are all our fresh 
springs for service in the church. I have been for 
a long time kept very low in my mind, and in that 
state found myself drawn to minister, which has 
been in the cross, but I dared not neglect or re¬ 
fuse the opening. We are to offer the small cattle, 
as well as the large, when they are demanded of 
us—the former have been accepted at my hands. 

I have been drawn to visit sundry week-day 
meetings in the province, and the fewness of the 
attendants brought discouragement over the pros¬ 
pect; but giving up to the small appearances in 
my mind, the service was often owned beyond my 
expectation, arid I returned in peace. I generally 
am most easy not to make any unnecessary delay 
after a meeting is over, but return and eat my 
morsel in secret, and receive from my Master 
what He is pleased to grant, which is ofttimes an im¬ 
pressive sense of my own unworthiness, and under 
that impression I can render the praise to whom 
it is due. 

Fourth Month .—I am now passing through bap¬ 
tisms preparatory to the Yearly Meeting in Dublin, 
which are deeply afflicting and hard to be borne. 
Excuses of age (nearly 75 years), and infirmities 


JOHN CONRAN. 


141 


are not felt to be sufficient for my absenting my¬ 
self from it, neither a daily prevailing sense of un- 
worthiness and unfitness to appear with the more 
enlightened children of the Lord; nothing affords 
peace but submission to the requirings of a Master 
who knows me, and what I can be made to endure. 
My exercise is so great that death seems to be pre¬ 
ferable, and the day of my birth lamented that a 
man child was born into the world—woe is me ! 
for many reasons ! But the Lord knows my afflic¬ 
tions, and in His unutterable wisdom permits me 
to be thus tried, and by those who should not do 
it, which makes it harder to be borne. 

Fifth Month .—I attended the Yearly Meeting 
in Dublin, which cost me a close exercise for some 
weeks, feeling considerable bodily as well as spi¬ 
ritual weakness; but I was enabled to give up and 
to trust for the renewal of strength both ways to 
Divine Mercy. I had some service in the meeting 
for discipline, and in a large evening meeting on 
First-day, to my satisfaction. 

As I travelled home, my mind was much in¬ 
wardly drawn, and in silence, a stream of Gospel 
ministry at times ran through me in secret, as if I 
were preaching to a large auditory, and the doc¬ 
trine so apposite that it melted my heart into hum¬ 
ble contrition and admiration, and I felt my 
strength renewed under the remembrance of this 


142 


THE LIFE OF 


saying, “ He that believeth on me, out of his belly 
shall flow rivers of living water.” I came home in 
peace, and glad that I had been there. 

Ninth Month §th .—-Our Quarterly Meeting 
near Charlemont, the meetings on First-day were 
held in silence, and numerously attended, the meet¬ 
ing for discipline was favoured, and the next day 
I had an open testimony, to the members of our 
own Society as well as others, recommending them 
to the Divine Light in themselves as the door of 
the true sheep-fold of which Christ is the Shep¬ 
herd ; that unless they came in by that door, pro¬ 
fessing with us or any others was in vain. 

11 th. —First-day, at Megabry, a time of deep 
wading in silence, which was at length broken with 
these expressions, “ Ye believe in God, believe also 
in me,”—“the devils believe and tremble.” If we 
do not believe in Christ our faith stands upon the 
same grounds with theirs, and we lose the benefit 
of His second coming without sin unto salvation; 
and if we despise Him in his little and low appear¬ 
ance in our hearts, the Jews did so in his bodily 
appearance and were rejected of Him; and small 
as Ilis appearance may be to the carnally wise 
and prudent of this generation, it was He whom the 
angels of God were commanded to worship. 

Eleventh Month 2d .—I have been now for some 
time reduced to a low state of mind, but pretty 


JOHN CONRAN. 


143 


much resigned under it; my exercise in meetings is 
trying, feeling very little of that living virtue that 
encourages to act in the services of the church ; yet 
in this very low situation, I feel a necessity at times 
to offer the little that appears, which is attended with 
peace, but is again succeeded immediately by deep 
poverty, which is an exercising trial of faith and 
patience. I dare not desire a change of raiment, 
for in these tattered garments my nakedness is 
plainly seen, to the deep humbling of my poor 
mind : let all that is of the natural man be brought 
low, so that God be glorified through my abase¬ 
ment ! 

13f7*.—The Preparative Meeting at Megabry, in 
which my faith was closely tried, feeling a subject 
on my mind for a long time, but attended with so 
little ability to deliver it that I struggled much and 
long to pass it by; but near the conclusion I felt 
strength to stand up, and was [enabled] to get 
through to my peace ; my usual dryness succeeded, 
and sunk my spirit into mourning, but I was merci¬ 
fully supported by the arising of these words in my 
mind, “ Seek not to thyself great things, and thy 
life shall be given thee for a prey whithersoever 
thou croest,” which comforted me, as I have hitherto 
felt life to follow those weak appearances. 

20th. —First-day, at Megabry; a state of infi¬ 
delity was the burden of my spirit, arising out of 


144 


THE LIFE OF 


those writings which are so plentifully scattered 
abroad in these days, leading the unwary astray, to 
follow after lying vanities and the deceivings of their 
own foolish hearts, thinking to comprehend the 
things of God by their own wisdom. I have felt this 
day much depressed in mind, from not giving up to 
attend the Monthly Meeting at Moyallen, yester¬ 
day; the pointing thereto was so small, and my 
poverty so prevalent, that I passed it by, but I hope 
to be more attentive in future. The ways of God 
are at times unsearchable, and past our finding out. 
The Quarterly Meeting will be in about two weeks, 
which I expect will bring me into some preparatory 
baptisms, as is usually my lot before these large 
gatherings ; may the Lord strengthen my weak¬ 
ness, which is very great and has been for some 
time past, if it be His holy will! 

Twelfth Month Qth .—Our Quarterly Meeting at 
Lurgan : in the concluding meeting I was enlarged 
in an open and clear testimony in defence of the 
Scriptures, and the Divinity of our blessed Lord, 
against a spirit of antichrist which seemed to pos¬ 
sess some present; and I concluded the meeting in 
supplicating the Lord that He w’ould be pleased 
afresh to anoint the eyes of those who said they 
saw, but were blind, and to open their eyes that 
they might see the New Jerusalem, and the beauty 
of true holiness, so as to be able to worship God 


JOHN CONRAN. 


145 


aright through the Spirit of his beloved Son, who 
is God over all, blessed for ever and for evermore. 
The meeting concluded under a solemn covering, 
and I returned home in peace. 

My movements in the ministry for some years 
back have been after long waiting, the appearance 
of life very small, and my faith closely tried, but a 
necessity has attended which I have been afraid to 
neglect; they have often been unexpectedly en¬ 
larged in Gospel love, and afforded peace; but very 
shortly the whole recollection of the precious unc¬ 
tion has been clearly taken from me, and I have been 
reduced to my usual state of poverty—the gate [like 
Mordecai] has been my safe-guard, for there no¬ 
thing can dress or perfume with the odours and 
ointments that had been poured forth when the 
Bridegroom had entered into His chamber. Blessed 
are the dead who thus die, yea, saith the Spirit, 
they shall rest from their labours, and their works 
shall follow them ! Blessed poverty indeed, for 
in it the creaturely part has no share! 

First Month 12tfA,1815.—The Monthly Meeting 
near Ballinderry; the fore part of the meeting was 
a low time, my mind was much tried with a wander¬ 
ing spirit which I endeavoured to subject, and after 
some time experienced quiet; when that passage 
opened on my mind recommending the offering our 
bodies a living sacrifice, and I was gradually en- 
10 


146 


THE LIFE OF 


larged, and led to compare the state I had been bap¬ 
tized into during the early part of the meeting to 
the waves of the sea, succeeding one another—that 
this was the work of the enemy to render our sacri¬ 
fice unacceptable to God—but let us suffer the 
waves to pass over our heads, and not to carry us 
away into the world, and thereby [deprive] us of the 
opportunity of renewing our strength in Christ, 
who through His instruments appointed those sea¬ 
sons to His church and family for that gracious end 
and purpose* It was a time of refreshment and 
renewal of strength, for I went to meeting under 
deep exercise, not expecting or desiring to be so 
engaged, and under the feeling of life I was drawn 
forth in supplication at the close. The covering of 
the first meeting was carried into the meeting for 
discipline* which was conducted and concluded in 
a truly solemn manner; the praise is due to that 
all-wise and holy Being in whom “ is life, and the 
life is the light of men/’ and who has not forgotten 
to be gracious tp a backsliding people! 

In sitting in meetings for discipline, I look for as 
clear an evidence to speak as in meetings for wor¬ 
ship, therefore my words are few, but I hope they 
are in degree seasoned with salt—“let your speech 
be alway with grace seasoned with salt,” which is 
the life—in this path the wayfaring man cannot 
err, and peace is found in his dwelling; it is a 


JOIIN CONRAN. 


147 


means of keeping down those forward spirits which 
are ready to run when not sent, whose state is that 
of flatness and death instead of peace and consola¬ 
tion, and to w T hom the language applies, “Who 
hath required this at your hands ?” 

22 d. —First-day meeting at Megabry : Cast 
down, but I hope not forsaken. I have had deep 
trials of late that caused me to cry by night and 1^ 
day, Lord help thy servant who cannot help himself! 
but my cry returned back into my own bosom, as 
if the ears of the Lord God of Sabaoth were not 
open to my cry. My sore ran in the night season, 
and I was not comforted. How long, Lord, wilt 
thou not hear my prayer and my supplication ! I 
feel dried up as a potsherd, but I still hold fast my 
confidence. Make haste, Lord, to help me, before 
I go hence and be seen of man no more, for there 
is neither wisdom nor knowledge in the grave ! 

Second Month 9 th .—I attended the Preparative 
Meeting of Lisburn, and was concerned therein to 
exhort parents and heads of families to train up 
their children, both by precept and example, in the 
nurture and admonition of the Lord, which would 
be as a twofold cord that might be a means of draw¬ 
ing them to the living principle of light and grace 
in their tender minds, and make therewith a three¬ 
fold cord that could not be easily broken. Also 
recommending the children to obey their parents 


148 


THE LIFE OF 


in the Lord, for this is right; concluding with the 
state of Eli and his family, who did not restrain 
his sons, though he had counselled them against 
the evil of their ways. 

Sixth Month 6th .—Our Quarterly Meeting at 
Moyallen, I had a pretty open time in both meet¬ 
ings on the First-day; the meeting for discipline 
was to me a remarkably clouded time, I was bap¬ 
tized in the cloud into death. As I lay in bed that 
night or early next morning, the spring of Gospel 
ministry opened and flowed in my heart abun¬ 
dantly, in such a variety of doctrine as filled me 
with surprise, which gradually arose from a small 
beginning to a stream that I could swim in. I lay 
silent in spirit, and attended to the flowing of it to 
my admiration; towards morning it closed, and I 
arose in my usual poverty and went to meeting in 
a low and stripped state, but had not sat long be¬ 
fore some little matter gradually arose before me, 
and as I attended on the opening it increased to 
the time I should stand up with a metaphor of 
Christ’s school, in which He is the teacher: fresh 
matter gradually opening in my view I was en¬ 
larged in a clear testimony which afforded peace 
and comfort to my mind, the praise of which is 
only to be given to Him to whom alone it is due, 
the great and holy Head of His church, who is 
blessed for ever and ever! 


JOHN CONRAN. 


149 


CHAPTER VI. 

1815. CONTINUATION OF THE JOURNAL OF IUS 
RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE AND SERVICES. 

Ninth Month 10 th .—I have not felt inclined of 
late to record any of the occurrences which at¬ 
tended me in my spiritual progress which were 
various—some painful trials and probations, and 
many temptations, over which I w r as favoured to 
get w r ith thanksgiving and praise where only it was 
due. I attended, as usual, all the meetings at home, 
and sometimes the neighbouring ones, some by ap¬ 
pointment and others on - my own concern, which 
were in general to my satisfaction. These services 
were at times attended with baptisms that brought 
to my recollection the state the apostle had to pass 
through when he said he was cast down, but not 
forsaken; in which times the promise of the Saviour 
was [fulfilled], “I will not leave } r ou comfortless 
His poor depending children, who have none in 
heaven but Him, nor in all the^arth in comparison 
of Him, give Him the praise of His own blessed work, 
for they experience Him to be the Resurrection and 
the Life; it is by and through Him alone they live, 


150 


THE LIFE OF 


and because He liveth they live. Our Quarterly 
Meeting was held last week in Grange, in Charle- 
mont, which was large and favoured ; I went in 
much discouragement as there was no other minis¬ 
tering Friend, and there were some disagreeable 
things to come before the meeting by an appeal, 
which at one time wore the appearance of a breach 
of love and unity; but I thought the Author of 
every good word and w r ork did appear with healing 
in His wings. I felt a pointing to stay their week¬ 
day meeting next day, where were many young 
peop^, to whom I had to minister the w'ordof con¬ 
solation, and encouragement to purchase the Truth, 
let the price be what it may, for Divine wisdom and 
a right understanding seasoned with grace would 
be the companions of it; the opportunity w r as 
through Mercy remarkably favoured. I left them 
in peace, and returned home to sit at the gate , a 
safe dwelling place ! 

Tenth Month 2bth .—I felt a draught to attend 
the Monthly Meeting near Charlemont, and was 
silent therein; in the second meeting, upon the 
clerk’s querying if any Friend had anything to offer, 
I felt it right to say that I came there from an 
apprehension of duty, but in both meetings there 
was, I thought, such a thick cloud over me, I 
could not travel forward—that whatever was the 
cause I could not tell, but if each of us were so dis- 


JOHN CONRAN. 


151 


posed to inquire in sincerity, “ Is it I ?” I believe 
the individuals might find out who it was ; but that 
if we abode under this covering, our stay in the 
wilderness would be prolonged, so that instead of 
advancing, we might be returning back again to our 
former conditions, and never reach the promised 
land. The clerk stood up, and said the Friend’s 
concern was right, he believed, as there was occasion 
for the remark. My mind was relieved, and I re¬ 
turned in peace. 

Eleventh Month 18^/i.—I had a closely-sifting 
season last night, which brought me very low, more 
so than I have felt for a long time; the sentence of 
death was my portion, and under it I was prostrated 
before the footstool, [of mercy], scarcely daring to 
look up; when the Judge of quick and dead sits in 
judgment on us, who can stand when He appears ! 
What must be the terrors of those whose sins 
accompany them to the [tribunal] of Christ, when 
their lot is cast for eternity, with a certain, fearful 
looking for of judgment, and fiery indignation and 
WTath ! In this furnace, I saw much still for the 
fire, and more for the fuller’s soap, the prospect of 
which brought me very low, ready to give up all, 
under a [deep] sense of unworthiness; in which 
the Lord was exalted, whose right it is, and the 
creature abased : here I felt the truth of that say¬ 
ing of the apostle, “ Unto us belongeth shame and 
confusion of face.” 


152 


THE LIFE OF 


Twelfth Month l^th .—My travel seems through 
the wilderness, and Pharaoh and his host pursuing 
me; there is still a great deal in me to be slain; 
when wilt thou be sheathed, oh ! sword of the Lord, 
the Word of His mouth ! Every word of my mouth 
appears to be weighed in the balance of the sanc¬ 
tuary, there is nothing escapes His eye, the inmost 
thoughts of my heart are judged as soon as con¬ 
ceived, there is not any thing hidden from Him ; in 
vain did Adam hide from that call, (which can shake 
the heavens and the earth also) “ Where art thou ?” 
For some time past my hopes have been all centred 
in Divine mercy and forgiveness, my former works 
of righteousness have been blotted out, andln my 
heart I have said, “ Though thou slay me, I will 
trust in thee.” In my troubles, I have endeavoured 
to remember the day of my espousals, when His light 
and His truth shone into my dark habitation ; I was 
then brought into His banqueting-house, and His 
banner over me was love; but now I feel my enemy 
spreading snares to entrap me, but I trust the fear 
of falling will preserve me, through the mighty God 
of Jacob. Thy ways, oh ! Lord, are past our finding 
out,—but the advice of Moses formerly to Israel is 
good for me at this time, “ Stand still, and see the 
salvation of God.” I have but little to add at this 
time, but to acknowledge the [Divine] mercy in sup¬ 
porting me with some patience under distressing 
trials in my family, but no way has opened for my 


JOHN CONRAN. 


153 


escape from them. I feel bound to this quarter 
of the vineyard, where my poor labours appear 
to be acceptable. 

I felt a concern to attend the Monthly Meeting 
at Moyallen, and being desirous of turning the 
fleece upon it produced an exercise for two days, 
which was very trying, and when it had reduced 
me to resignation, the concern left me, and I re¬ 
mained at home in peace. When I feel drawings 
abroad, they are generally pleasant to the taste, 
but in turning the fleece they are bitter inwardly, 
and very hard to give up to. There is in man, 
though he has passed measurably through the fire, 
and drunk of the bitter waters of affliction, a share 
of the first nature still unsubdued, that would say, 
“ Send by whom thou wilt send,” or that com¬ 
plaint of, “Who hath believed our report?” Yet 
gracious, condescending Mercy bears with us as a 
tender parent, and rewards us (instead of chastis¬ 
ing) with His evidence of peace! 

Third Month 2<ith, 1816.—I went to Moyallen 
First-day meeting, and had a heavy dull sitting for 
above an hour and a half, when a very small opening 
appeared before me, a few words, which I reasoned 
with to put it by, when a language moved in my 
mind, that if we were so poor as not to be able to 
offer an ox, ram, or he-goat, a pair of turtle-doves or 
two young pigeons would be accepted. So I stood 

\ 


154 


THE LIFE OF 


up with two or three sentences, and moving gently 
on as a few more arose before me, the waters rose 
gradually, so that I left the meeting under a solemn 
covering, and myself in peace : let the praise be to 
Him to whom it is due, who is strength in weakness, 
- and riches in poverty. The great necessity for 
watchfulness in ministers in exercising their gifts in 
meetings for worship has been shown to me lately. 
As I sat in meetings, a field of offerings opened 
before me, in which was much sound doctrine, on 
various subjects, which appeared to me suitable to 
many states and conditions who might be present; 
but as I rarely stand up till a considerable lapse 
of time, I viewed the subjects, whether they might 
be offered, when this language clearly came before 
my mind, that this ram had not horns ,—the whole 
was resumed back into the treasury, and another 
ram was fastened in the thicket, and was offered, 
which I believe was accepted with wine and oil, 
and I had to conclude the meeting with solemn 
supplication to the Lord, who is Wonderful, Coun¬ 
sellor, and the Prince of Peace ! Praise his holy 
name, 0 my soul, for He only is worthy of it. 

This winter I had many bitter cups to drink, 
both outwardly and inwardly: we have need of 
patience—Lord, increase it, and my faith, that they 
fail not! I do not remember the furnace hotter, 
but I believe the cup is from the Lord’s holy hand, 


JOHN CONRAN. 


155 


therefore I must drink it: the bitterest cup is 
sometimes the most wholesome, [therefore ye,] His 
poor despised little ones, drink ye all of it. The 
reply of Eli to the child Samuel, when he told him 
every whit, is instructive ; when Eli heard the sad 
sentence pronounced against his house, he submit¬ 
ted, saying, “It is the Lord, let Him do what seem- 
eth Him good.” A sorrowful and warning lesson 
to parents to exercise that authority over their fami¬ 
lies which faithful Abraham did in his, having this 
testimony of Divine approbation, that he command¬ 
ed his family after him, therefore the Divine will 
was manifested unto him; and if we are sincerely en¬ 
gaged to do our part, help will be administered to us. 

Seventh Month 10 th .—The week-day meeting 
at Megabry was, I thought, comfortably held in 
silence; many doctrines opened in my mind in a 
living experience, which I thought I could have 
stood up with to edification, but the necessity or 
woe was not with them, therefore they passed away 
under this impression, that they might open again 
in some other meeting. 

11 th .—I attended the week-day meeting at Lis¬ 
burn, much in the cross, as a hard time generally is 
my lot there; I sat in great poverty for upwards of 
an hour, when a very small opening appeared, with 
which I stood up, and gradually proceeding, it in¬ 
creased till it became as a broad river, when the 


156 


THE LIFE OF 


sense impressed the day before, of these openings 
being renewed in some other meeting, was fulfilled, 
I believe, to the satisfaction of many present, as 
well as to my own—praises be given to the Great 
Giver of every good and perfect gift! Watch¬ 
fulness is as necessary to ministers as faithfulness, 
lest they enter into temptation. 

14^A.—[After speaking of a favoured meeting at 
Megabry, he says:]—It feels to me as if there were 
a fresh visitation afforded to this meeting, which was 
some years back highly favoured, as I have been 
told, and appears by the records of the Society; 
but when the elders of that day were removed, there 
arose a generation who had notbeen witnesses of the 
saving help which had been afforded to their fathers, 
and of some of them, it may be said, they knew 
the Lord only by hearing of His name and power, 
but their hearts were far from Him. Yet He whose 
mercy endureth from one generation to another, is 
pleased to visit the children’s children, to the third 
and fourth generation of those who have loved Him 
and kept His commandments. May this blessed 
covenant of life and light be once more renewed in 
this quarter of the Lord’s vineyard, [to the raising 
up of such] whose lips may be touched with the 
live coal from off the altar, under the holy influence 
whereof sons and daughters may in true dedication 
say, “Here am I, send me!” Though I do not 


JOHN CONRAN. 


157 


expect to see the morning of this day arise with 
healing virtue in its wings, yet I rejoice in the hope 
that it will come and will not tarry. Blessed and 
praised be the name (the power) of Israel’s God, who 
can bind, and who can loose when in His unbounded 
wisdom, lie sees meet so to do. Oh! may the 
blessing of the everlasting hills be upon the head of 
Joseph, upon the head of him who was separated 
from his brethren ; may there be that fruitfulness 
in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, experienced in which 
the branches run over the wall, and there is a 
going to and fro in the earth proclaiming the glad 
tidings of the Gospel of peace and salvation, 
through obedience to the Divine illumination in 
their own minds. 

Eighth Month \th .—I have of late felt, as ofttimes 
before, when passing quietly about my lawful busi¬ 
ness, a spring of Gospel ministry open in my mind, 
and many Gospel doctrines flow therefrom for a 
considerable time in a clear and convincing manner; 
I have kept still, in humble admiration, desiring to 
treasure them up, in order to bring them out on 
some future occasion ; but the whole has been re¬ 
sumed, and I have had to go forth without scrip or 
purse or two coats. To-day, after a favoured meet¬ 
ing, this state appeared to my mind as what is 
called in Scripture, “ the renewings of the Holy 
Ghost.” These experiences brightened my candle 


THE LIFE OF 


lb3 

which had been burning but dimly for some time 
past, and raised in my heart praises and thanks¬ 
givings to Him whose mercies are from everlasting, 
through His dear and beloved son, our gracious and 
merciful Redeemer ; who in His heavenly wisdom 
sees meet to hide Himself for a season, to increase 
our diligence in seeking for Him, and to Him for 
those fresh supplies which he graciously grants to 
His poor depending little ones, who in His absence 
mourn, but in His life-giving presence rejoice with 
fear and trembling. Amen, so be it. 

2 5th. —First-day meeting. Before I left home my 
bitterness was so great that I went out shedding 
tears, almost careless what became of me, but I 
experimentally found that was not the case with my 
merciful Lord and Master. After I sat some time 
in meeting, the blessed state of the poor in spirit 
opened before me, with the benefits arising from it: 
from the feebleness of the impulse attending, I felt 
a fear of moving under it for near an hour, so that 
it left me, naked and bare, upon dry ground ; but at 
my petition (on my uneasiness at having neglected 
a line of duty) unspeakable condescension, was 
pleased again to bring the opening into view with a 
little more certainty, upon which I moved forward, 
and Truth arose and its enemies were scattered— 
the light of the Gospel shone brighter through me 
than I had ever known before, and various states 


JOHN CONRAN. 


159 


and conditions were described—that the kingdom of 
heaven was only attainable through the aid of the 
grace of God, and submitting ourselves to the 
redeeming efficacy of the cross of Christ—the state 
of the poor in spirit, made so not in the will, 
wisdom or strivings of men, but through the wis¬ 
dom of God showing unto man his weakness and 
natural deformity, and the need he has of a 
Saviour lest he should die in alienation from God 
—and that it was this state of inward and deep 
poverty (to which I appeared to be well qualified 
to speak from my late baptisms into it) that effect¬ 
ually knocked at the door and gained an entrance, 
for the gates of heaven are opened to it, if faithful¬ 
ness is continued in to the end. Let our oblations 
be ever so rich, and sacrifices ever so near and dear 
to us, even as a first-born, and though the temple 
we frequent be more magnificent than Solomon’s, 
yet obedience to the revealed will of God in our 
hearts will be the only acceptable offering at our 
hands. The covering over the meeting was sol¬ 
emn, under which it broke up. 

Ninth Month 15th .—My baptisms of late have 
been deep, and as much as I can bear up under, 
which causes strong and frequent cries, “ Lord save 
me or I shall fall.” After all my trials I fear lest I 
should become a castaway—by night and by day my 
cries are to my dear Lord to have mercy on me, for 


160 


TIIE LIFE OF 


I feel ready to die, and can take no spiritual sus¬ 
tenance to support me. When will the Almighty 
arm be made bare for my deliverance ? surely the 
Lord delayeth His coming ! But oh ! my soul, be 
not thou too much dismayed, for when He does 
come His reward is with Him. In my humiliation 
my judgment is taken away—I feel hedged in on 
every side. When oh Lord ! wilt thou cause the 
light of thy countenance once more to shine upon 
me ? These purging seasons are necessary ; in one 
I passed through this morning every crown I might 
have been favoured with heretofore, was cast down 
at the footstool of the Lamb, who is alone worthy 
to be honoured and obeyed: I cast myself and all 
that I have into the arms of His everlasting mercy, 
which endureth from one generation to another. 
I have not felt so deep a plunging I think for 
years, which I suppose was necessary to do aw'ay 
more of the dross still behind. Oh ! the wormwood 
and the gall, how bitter is this cup to drink of— 
this is a partaking of a measure of Christ’s suffer¬ 
ings spiritually, that our life may be hid with 
Christ in God, and when He who is the Resurrection 
and the Life shall arise, these shall arise with 
Him, and be made partakers of His life. Praises 
and thanksgivings to Him who liveth and reigneth 
for ever and ever. 

2 6th .—I felt drawings on my mind to attend 


JOHN CONRAN. 


161 


the week-day meeting in' Lisburn, which was very 
much in the cross, even to tears. I had to deal 
in a very close manner on the power of the cross, 
and the blessed effects derived from obedience to 
it; with a caution against Delilah, and reposing 
in her lap, and to take warning by Samson, who 
was a Nazarite from his birth, yet he lost his 
strength and his light, and became a bondman to 
the uncircumcised, and was bound in fetters of brass 
—spiritualizing it. It was an open time, and a 
solemn covering was spread over the meeting. 

30 th .—My exercises are many, and deeply dis¬ 
tressing on account of the state of my son’s affairs, 
with the poor prospect his small family has of a 
livelihood; my own state also being a stripped 
one, leads me ofttimes to call upon Divine Mercy, 
that he would be pleased to afford me but one ray 
of light to show me where I am, if I am still in 
the land of the living. My sore runs in the night 
season, and occasions me many sleepless hours, 
meditating an escape from this furnace, and to 
pitch my tent in some other place. Such thoughts 
occupied me early this morning in bed, when these 
expressions impressed my mind in a solid manner, 
and entirely laid aside my meditated removal else¬ 
where,—“ Thou art a fruit-bearing branch, thou 
must abide in the Vine, or thou canst not bring 
forth fruitby which I understood that if I re- 
11 


162 


THE LIFE OF 


moved in my own will or desire I might become 
fruitless, and be as a useless branch broken off and 
cast away. A lesson of sound instruction, may I 
never forget the awful effect it produced in me. 

Twelfth Month 2d .—The Quarterly Meeting at 
Lurgan, which was attended by our dear friends 
Hannah Field and Elizabeth Barker, from North 
America, whose company and gospel labours were 
truly satisfactory: I think the meeting w r as com¬ 
fortable, and the business conducted with harmony. 

Second Month 2d, 1817.—I attended the meet¬ 
ing at Moyalien, where after a deep travail I was 
opened on the new birth, from the state of the 
babe whose food is proportioned to its weakness, 
the pure milk of the Divine Word—its progress to 
the state of the young man—then to manhood, 
enabled to resist the devil—then to that of an elder 
who becomes a pillar in the church, able to bear 
up and support a share of the building—and the 
next translation would be to heaven and happiness, 
there to receive the fulness of the answer of “Well 
done,” &c. It was a time of favour, and brought 
me the comfortable evidence of peace: there was 
a person present lately received into membership, 
for whose encouragement and strengthening I be¬ 
lieved I was thus drawn forth. 

6th .—I attended the Preparative Meeting in 
Lisburn by appointment, in it those deistical prin- 


JOHN CONRAN. 


1C3 


ciples so prevalent were closely spoken to and re¬ 
sisted on the clear evidence of Scripture, with the 
danger of dying in a denial of Christ before men, 
and the awful consequences thereof. I had to trace 
the enemy’s delusions and various transformations 
from Adam, in sundry generations of mankind, 
describing their appearances, and that he still is 
the unwearied enemy, and is now attacking the 
Divine light from heaven, desiring to gain prose¬ 
lytes to the opinion that it proceeds altogether from 
man, as a portion of his reason, and not from Christ 
in us the hope of glory. It was an exercising time 
to my mind, but left the evidence of peace. 

I am now in the 78th year of my age, and am 
mercifully favoured with health and ability to at¬ 
tend meetings at home, and sometimes abroad : 
when the time comes that the account must be ren¬ 
dered, may it be with joy and not with grief, striv¬ 
ing to do whatsoever is commanded to be done. 

Third Month 4 th .—Our Quarterly Meeting in 
Lisburn, my previous preparation for it was great 
discouragement and poverty of spirit, which led me 
secretly to desire that some other ministering Friend 
might be sent to it to relieve my distress, but none 
came. In the First-day forenoon meeting I had a 
little relief, but it was a poor low time, and the 
afternoon meeting was held in silence. I had a 
relieving share in the service of the meetings for 


164 


THE LIFE OF 


business, and in the parting meeting had an open 
time, being enlarged to several states, and con¬ 
cluded in supplication. Since that time I have had 
several deep and purging seasons that I have almost 
been ready to surrender my crown and to say, “ Send 
by whom thou wilt sendbut a small portion of 
faith and patience being afforded, I was made will¬ 
ing to travel on through heights and through depths, 
and put my whole trust and confidence in that arm 
of Divine support which has hitherto sustained me 
through many trials and probations : to Him is the 
praise, but to me shame and confusion of face ! 

12 th .—For some time past I felt drawings to 
attend the week-day meeting in Lurgan, and after 
some reasonings respecting the smallness of it I 
went, and found it very small; yet there were those 
in it who I believed were under religious exercise 
and close trials, to whom I had to hand forth en¬ 
couragement to persevere and wrestle for the bless¬ 
ing as Jacob did, that they might prevail with God, 
and then their light would shine forth with bright¬ 
ness, which would enable them also to prevail with 
men, so as to acknowledge that God was in them 
of a truth—that they had many trials of their faith 
to pass through, but I urged them not to be dis¬ 
couraged, for all the stones which compose the 
spiritual building, Christ’s church here on earth, 
are tried ones, and are in this manner brought into 


JOHN CONRAN. 


165 


their places in that body of which Christ Himself 
is the holy Head and High Priest. I believe my 
concern was on account of this class, and it afforded 
me peace on my return. 

To record the many baptisms I have to pass 
through, and painful exercises which I believe are 
the experience of all Christian travellers (in that 
way which the vulture’s eye hath not seen) is not 
my intention ; the wind bloweth where and when it 
listeth, we hear the sound thereof, but know not 
whence it cometh; therefore such must be con¬ 
tented to bear the blasts of it without considering 
much about the cause : this is very much the course 
I travel in. I felt drawings to attend Belfast meet¬ 
ing this day two weeks, which from my weakness 
at the time, with some other discouragements, made 
it hard to give up to, but I was secretly helped 
through, and had a time of favour and much en¬ 
largement in both meetings, and openness in 
sundry families, stopping there nearly three days. 
Since then my borders have been narrowed, and I 
rest satisfied, hoping I feel myself at times under 
the shadow of His holy wing, in which I find great 
delight; though at others some withering blasts are 
felt, for which I hope I am thankful. A change of 
seasons in the natural world is pleasant, the spring 
coming on after the winter, with the singing of the 
birds is cheering; so are the secret touches of 


166 


THE LIFE OF 


Divine love succeeding the cold blasts of winter, 
strengthening and refreshing to the traveller, en¬ 
couraging him to liqld on his way without fainting 
or growing weary. This^is part of that hidden 
mystery which the world by wisdom knoweth 
not of, neither can it, as experience only can teach 
it; by this the wayfaring man (though a fool as to 
worldly wisdom) hath found it, and walks therein, 
whilst the worldly wise count his life as madness, 
and that his end will be without honour. Un¬ 
searchable, Oh Lord! are all thy ways, and past 
our finding out any other way but by submission to 
thy holy will. We have girded ourselves heretofore, 
and went whithersoever we would, but the time is 
now come to me when another girds me and carries 
me sometimes whither I would not, but I believe in 
that wisdom to which I cannot add anything. It is 
now become as my meat and drink, upon which I 
live , to look inward for secret help and direction in 
all my goings, that I may be enabled to walk with¬ 
out reproach from my own conscience or from men. 

Ninth Month .—I attended the Quarterly Meet¬ 
ing at Grange, near Charlemont, and next day the 
week-day meeting at Moyallen, which was satisfac¬ 
tory ; after which I returned home, and found the 
sheriff had that day sold by auction almost the 
whole of my son’s crop, but my share of property 
was untouched. I was made acquainted with it 


JOHN CONRAN. 


167 


just before meeting, which brought me to a stand 
whether to go to meeting, or home to attend the 
auction and claim what things I had a right to. I 
staid at meeting, and left my affairs to Divine dis¬ 
posal, and I did not lose anything, though I was 
told there were some greedily wanting to have my 
hay sold, as I was not there to advance the money 
if it were; but a stranger came forward and of¬ 
fered to advance the money for me till my return : 
thus was I preserved from loss ! 

[It appears that John Conran went through much 
trial in his son’s family, with whom he had resided 
after his marriage in 1807; and in 1813, he writes]: 
—my situation here has been very dissatisfactory, 
but I have thought these trials were permitted for 
my refinement, and though I have very often 
prayed and entreated that I might be favoured to 
see some other situation to retire to, yet at present 
I cannot, but have still to suffer most afflicting sea¬ 
sons. May God not lay it to their charge, for 
they know not what they do ! 

Eleventh Month 1 Qth .—Many have been my trials 
and deep exercises of late, both inwardly and out¬ 
wardly, that I have often secretly prayed that my 
faith fail not; but an invisible Hand supported me, 
and kept my head above the waters, when the suc¬ 
cessive waves appeared likely to overwhelm me. I 
feel bound to this meeting, so that I cannot find an 


168 


THE LIFE OF 


open door to go out and leave it; and though my 
labours are frequent among its members, the dry 
bones in the open valley will rise up in judgment 
against them and condemn them, for they showed 
signs of life, and rose up when the prophet prophe¬ 
sied upon them ; but here there does not appear any 
marks of resurrection, the earth keeps its place not 
showing any symptoms of being moved out of its 
place in their hearts, which makes the labour harder 
to the poor storm-beaten traveller, who at times can 
scarcely find a path through the wilderness, which 
leads to peace. This day the excellency of the 
Scriptures was spoken to and acknowledged, but the 
more excellent way w r as preferred, that [Word of 
life and light] which gave them forth—that they 
were ofttimes my study, and administered comfort 
and consolation in comparing my exercises and 
temptations with those which are there recorded ; 
yet although my memory w T ould serve me to repeat 
the wholeof them, and to preach therefrom the doc¬ 
trines they contained, if it were not mixed with true 
faith proceeding from my having tasted, felt, and 
handled the pure Word of life and light which gave 
them forth, my preaching w T ould not profit the 
hearers, or afford peace to myself. Some in this 
day search them, and think in so doing they shall 
have eternal life; but though they testify of Christ, 
yet of themselves they do not give life. Apollos, in 


JOHN CONRAN. 


169 


the beginning of his ministry, was mighty in the 
Scriptures, and from them preached Christ boldly, 
not fearing the opposers in that day; but when the 
two well-instructed elders heard him so powerful 
in the letter, they took him under their pruning 
hand, and taught him the way of God more per¬ 
fectly, and then he became a fellow-labourer with 
the Apostle, and what the latter planted, Apollos 
watered, and God alone gave the increase. 

Seventh Month 9th , 1818.—Feeling a small 
draught towards the week-day meeting at Hills¬ 
borough, I thought it safest to give up, though at¬ 
tended with a discouraging poverty. I sat down in 
that state, but w T as rather surprised at my feelings, 
which were covered with great stillness, that I 
thought I had got into a quiet habitation from the 
enemy, w T ho on these occasions often endeavours to 
stir up in me wandering thoughts. All was silent, 
when there arose before me not onlydoctrines instruc¬ 
tive to the Christian traveller, but encouragement 
also to persevere in that way that I believe Truth, 
by its Divine light, had cast up before the mind, and 
was inviting to walk in. I v r aited on these openings, 
as they moved on my mind, upwards of an hour, de¬ 
siring a clearer evidence to express them, which not 
being afforded, I was submitting to retain them for 
some other season, and now to keep silence ; when 
this intimation touched my mind, that Shiloh’s 


170 


THE LIFE OF 


■waters run softly, which had the healing effect to 
strengthen my feeble knees, so that I stood up, and 
proceeding quietly on by little and little, as it was 
afforded me, they gradually increased to a pretty full 
stream of comfort and consolation to my own poor 
state, and I hope also to the minds of some others, 
the savour of which remained with me, and the next 
day also, relieving me from that state of desertion 
w r hich is very often my experience. Thy ways, oh 
Lord ! with the children of men, are wonderful, and 
past human wisdom to find out; the stork knoweth 
its way in the heavens, because it is instructed by 
thee, but man, by refusing Divine instruction, 
knoweth not his way, it is past his finding out. 

I am now in the 79th year of my age, and I be¬ 
lieve I may say I feel my watchfulness increased, 
having to examine carefully almost every word or 
sentence I make use of, lest by any means I should 
miss of so great salvation which has been offered to 
me in the discovering light of Christ. Oh! ye 
careless ones, and lukewarm professors of the 
blessed Truth, who have neglected your day’s work 
in the day of God’s mercy to your souls, and are 
spending your money (or talent) upon that which 
doth not profit, what will ye do when the end 
comes, and the talent is called for with usury ? 

20th .—Our family was broken up in Tromra; my 
daughter-in-law, with the children, went to her 


JOHN CONRAN. 


171 


father’s, and in a few days after, I went to Belfast, 
to J. B.’s, and staid there till about the 26th of 
Ninth Month. My abode there was pleasant; I 
had some open and satisfactory opportunities in 
their meeting, the recollection of which has been 
consolatory to my feelings. 

Twelfth Month 23 d .—I felt my mind drawn to 
attend the Monthly Meeting at Grange, (County of 
Tyrone), feeling a sympathy with the suffering seed 
in that place; the privileges of Christ’s sheep were 
shown forth, not the least of which was that of 
being enabled to distinguish His voice from that of 
the stranger, which they will not follow because he 
is a stranger—Christ leads His sheep at times into 
green pastures, and by the still waters, causes them 
to drink of Shiloh’s brook that runs softly, brings 
them down to the washing pool, and up again, bear¬ 
ing twins, a meek and quiet spirit and love to God 
and their neighbour. When I sat down a restless 
spirit, (one who had been disowned) stood up and 
preached against the old prophet, but it was to me 
as a sounding brass, being void of that charity which 
thinketh no evil, but rejoiceth in the good in whom¬ 
soever it appeareth : my services in both meetings 
were I believe acceptable to some and brought 
peace to my own mind. 

2 5th .—This morning early, I was deeply humbled 
■with a sharp attack of the enemy, lest I should be 


172 


THE LIFE OF 


exalted or assume any glory to myself, which justly 
belonged to my gracious Lord and Master : shame 
and confusion of face was my portion. After 
breakfast, in my usual retirement in my chamber, 

I was mercifully comforted with a fresh instance 
of Divine regard flowing into my soul, which healed 
my wounded spirit, showing to me that He can 
wound, and that He also can heal, blessed and 
praised be His almighty and holy name, now and 
for ever. Amen ! 

[Frequent mention is made in his memoranda of 
these seasons of daily inward waiting on the Lord, 
they often extended to the space of two hours, and 
were made to him times of deep instruction, or 
inward refreshment, or as he himself expresses it, 
occasions in which he experienced something of 
what the apostle describes as “ the renewings of 
the Holy Ghost.” The Editor, while selecting from 
these private memorials, has been impressed with- 
the excellence of John Conran’s example in this 
respect, and can hardly forbear expressing the de¬ 
sire that it may be more generally followed ; for 
while the leisure of many might not admit of such 
lengthened abstraction from their daily avocations, 
none it is believed, would be permitted to go unre¬ 
warded for dedicating such a portion of time, as 
they could rightly spare from their temporal duties, 


J C II N CONRAN. 


173 


to seeking for that soul-sustaining food without 
which, the spiritual life must languish and decay 
—needful alike for all, but especially important 
for those who feel themselves called upon like 
John Conran to become leaders and teachers of 
the people.] 

Second Month , 1819.—I have had a wilderness 
travail for some weeks, having passed through 
some bitter baptisms in secret, but my only corn 
solation is that the Lord can deliver out of them 
all ; though the fire of temptation is permitted to 
burn, it is He only who can quench the fiery darts 
of the wicked one. I go mourning on my way 
daily, looking for Him whom my soul loveth, but 
find Him not. How long, Lord, wilt thou hide 
thyself? for in thy holy presence there used to be 
joy, and with thee is peace for evermore. 

17 th .—Attended the Monthly Meeting at Lis¬ 
burn, and had the company of Benjamin White 
from Pennsylvania, and John Pirn from London, 
the former was largely engaged in gospel labour, I 
sat very much in my usual manner, little and low. 


174 


THE LIFE OF 


CHAPTER VII. 

1819. HE BECOMES A MEMBER OF LURGAN 
MONTHLY MEETING—RELIGIOUS EXERCISES- 

9 

ACCOMPANIES JOHN KIRKIIAM AND VISITS THE 
FAMILIES WITH HIM IN DUBLIN-CONTINUA¬ 

TION OF HIS EXERCISES AND SERVICES. 

Third Month 22d .—I am now removed by cer¬ 
tificate into the bounds of the Monthly Meeting of 
Lurgan, and am settled in Moyallen in the family 
of my friend T. C. W., which feels to my satisfac¬ 
tion. It was in the meeting of Lurgan, I first felt 
the principle of life and light which manifested to 
me my lost state and condition, and caused me to- 
cry secretly for “ a Saviour or I die, a Redeemer or 
I perish,”—and it was in the meeting of Lurgan 
that my mouth was opened the first time in a public 
testimony, for the Truth. The present state of this 
Monthly Meeting feels to me very discouraging— 
the Aarons and Hurs are very few—their meetings 
for discipline composed of about eight or nine men 
—and a spirit gone forth that has laid waste some 
families that were once valiant for the Truth, whose 
influence has operated like the tail of the serpent 


JOHN CONRAN. 


175 


to draw many down after them; the spirit of anti¬ 
christ is to be felt at times denying the Son to be 
of the Father in that fulness which He declared of 
Himself—a depressing prospect for me, but no 
other appeared to open before me, and I was shut 
out of my two former habitations. Yesterday I 
stood up in meeting here with an opening on the 
necessity of having a true and living faith in God 
through the manifestations of the Divine Light, 
which is Christ, and though in my silent sitting, 
clear doctrine had opened to my view on that sub¬ 
ject, I said but a few passages, when I felt a spirit 
of opposition and resistance, and sat down under 
my burden, sorrowful on their account. 

Fifth Month 3 d .—I returned from the Yearly 
Meeting in Dublin, which was large, our friend 
Benjamin White, was frequently and largely con¬ 
cerned in the meetings, and his companion John 
Pirn. I was often in silence, being rather a burden- 
bearer than a testimony-bearer, but I hope was 
sometimes suitably opened into some of the states 
of the church. In the Select Meeting I had to 
exhort the members, as my fellow-labourers in the 
gospel, to stand plumb upon the living Founda¬ 
tion, for if a pillar leaned to any side it showed 
■weakness, or a disposition to slide off the founda¬ 
tion ; if that should happen, the pillar will be of 
no farther use in the house, but must be cast out. 


176 


THE LIFE OF 


There were two members of that meeting, soon 
after removed from their stations. 

My offerings in meetings, though pretty frequent, 
yet are very short, sometimes only a few sentences, 
but they often bring with them a solemnity and 
peace to my own mind. Other dear Friends, with 
whom I am sometimes their companion in travail, 
can launch out into the deep, whilst I can only 
keep near the shore with very little sail; if it were 
not for the evidence of life attending the morsel, I 
should be ready to conclude I had lost ground, 
not comprehending the cause, and this language 
is sometimes uttered under great depression of 
spirit, “ My God, my God, why hast thou for¬ 
saken me!” My inward exercises are very great 
indeed—contend not, I beseech it of thee, with thy 
judgments in my soul, for what am I before thee? 
but a worm, unworthy of the least of thy mercies ! 
Oh! Mercy, that I am not consumed, for I am 
hateful in my own sight; how, then, must I ap¬ 
pear in thy most holy and most pure sight, when 
the very heavens are not clean before thee ? Then, 
oh Lord! do I cast down every high thought and 
imagination of myself, and sit in the dust at thy 
footstool, and there desire to receive the law from 
thy mouth. Thy judgments sink deep in my soul; 
when thou visits the people with them, they will 
learn righteousness, and I fear not till then. Many 


JOHN CONRAN. 


ITT 


in this meeting having strayed from thy fold, and 
some of them into a far country, from whence they 
may never find their return, unless thou art pleased 
in mercy to stretch forth the shepherd’s crook of 
thy love, and draw T them. 

Seventh Month 8th. —Week-day meeting at Moy- 
allen, a small company. I felt a concern to rest 
on my mind to show the loving mercies of God to 
mankind, and how unwilling He is that any should 
be lost to that great salvation that He hath prepared 
before the face of all men, to whom, for this gra¬ 
cious end and purpose, He hath given a portion of 
His own blessed Spirit, which, when they will not 
obey, He sends His servants, rising up and sending 
them. And He hath also given to us other tokens 
to warn us of Ilis coming to judgment, the gradual 
decay of our bodies, natural faculties, and intellects; 
even these are often not sufficient to awaken us to 
a feeling so as to prepare us for our Lord’s coming. 
Ephraim, we read, had grey hairs upon him, yet he 
knew it not—also other states which that favoured 
tribe was in, which prevented him from lending his 
ear to the instructing voice of God. My concern 
was warm for some present, and I had to express 
that the door was still open, that they might 
enter in, and find bread to eat, and raiment to put 
on, that would cover their nakedness; but if the 
Master of the house should rise up and shut to the 
12 


178 


THE LIFE OF 


door, that they might knock and not get entrance, 
for His declaration is that His Spirit shall not 
always strive with man. If we let the day pass 
over our heads, and the night overtake us, we may 
then grope for the wall, and not be able to find 
that whereon we can rest, and I believe this might 
be the last call before the command goes forth to 
u let Ephraim alone,”—desiring that no one might 
say this is not for me, and shift, if they can, the 
weight from themselves to others ; but turn to the 
Light, and as the disciples did formerly ask, 
“ Lord, is it I ?” and the right one will feel this 
answer, “ Thou hast said it.” 

Eighth Month .—I accompanied my friend, John 
Kirkham, from Essex to the following meetings, 
viz., Lurgan, Lisburn, Hillsborough, Belfast, Moy- 
allen, and Richhill, in all of which his service was 
considerable, and mine very small, having been kept 
little and low for some time ; but it is the Lord’s 
doing, and I am resigned to it; He gave, and He 
hath taken away, blessed be His holy name. 

[In the Tenth and Eleventh Months, he visited the 
families of Friends in Dublin, with John Kirkham, 
upon which he remarks] : “ Though I had the con¬ 
cern for some years on my mind, at times very 
strongly, yet I believe the right time was mercifully 
pointed out, and this I acknowledge with secret 
thanksgiving to Him whose counsel is wisdom, and 


THE LIFE OF 


179 


His own works do praise Him. I entered the fami¬ 
lies greatly stripped, but in my silent waiting on 
that Fountain which never can be drawn dry, I w T as 
favoured gradually to feel light to arise out of dark¬ 
ness, and by following it I w'as enabled to minister 
sometimes in little and low places, and at other 
times more plentifully, to my own peace, and I hope 
to the edification of others. In two meetings I was 
favoured to unburden my mind in a full testimony 
against that prevailing and dangerous principle of 
infidelity which I fear has taken root in some minds 
amongst us, but it is to be feared more deeply 
among the people at large. I was silent in thirty- 
three meetings, but at times the gift operated on 
me in silent tears, to my comfort, peace, and resig¬ 
nation; I believe it was good for me that I was 
there, and am thankful for the [Divine] aid in help¬ 
ing me to go forth under my varied exercises; the 
praise is due, not to me in any wise, but to the all¬ 
wise and good Helper of those whose only reliance 
is upon His Divine support. I returned home with 
peace, but it was succeeded by a trying state of 
poverty in our own meeting, and when apprehending 
myself required to express anything in meeting, had 
to do it with a stammering tongue and faltering 
lips, and to close with very few words, very little 
being committed to me ; but I abide w ith the little, 
and endeavour patiently to submit to the present 


180 


TIIE LIFE OF 


dispensation, though at times these expressions 
escape my lips, “ Hast thou forsaken me ?” 

Second Month Ylth, 1820.—I attended the 
Monthly Meeting in Lisburn, which was large, but 
a low, heavy, wading meeting; I was held in silence, 
not feeling any thing but great poverty, which is 
generally my experience in that meeting ; the world 
is the cloud that overshadows the tabernacle, by 
which the Sun of Righteousness is obscured. When, 
oh Lord! wilt thou arise, for thy great name’s sake, 
and dispel these mists, that the people may see 
where their help is laid ! The gods of silver and 
of gold are the works of men’s hands, but the work 
of righteousness is thine, and brings peace, quiet¬ 
ness, and assurance, and that for evermore! 

24 th .—At the Monthly Meeting in Richhill, I 
was a long time in silence: when I stood up, I said 
to this effect, that were I to express my feelings at 
this time, I should say I apprehend myself to be 
led into the valley among the dry bones, and that 
they were very dry; but I felt the caution of the 
prophet to possess my mind, when he was asked if 
those bones could live ; he did not rashly enter into 
judgment upon his brethren, but referred the judg¬ 
ment to the Judge of quick and dead, saying, 
“Lord,thou knowest.”—Neither did I,remembering 
tha.t He who raised Lazarus from the dead, could 
raise up an army from the dry bones who should 


JOHN CONRAN. 


181 


stand for His blessed name’s sake. And though 
the state of things may now be very low among 
them, yet I believed there was a remnant present, 
who should be encouraged to persevere and hold 
on their way, and use the little strength they had, 
and that it would be increased, if faithfulness were 
abode in. 

Third Month .—The Quarterly Meeting in Lis¬ 
burn, to me, was but a low time; after it, I went 
to Belfast, and sat in their week-day meeting and 
two meetings on the First-day, which were satis¬ 
factory. If the few there keep faithful to what is 
already made known, the little will be increased, and 
they will be made as way-marks to others : for I 
believe there is a right seed sown in that place, which 
is vegetating, and will in the Lord’s time show it¬ 
self green above the earth, which now covers it from 
outward view. I feel that love towards it that is 
stronger than death, and it will prevail. 

26th,First-day .—After reading the Scriptures in 
the evening, we had a season of solemn silence, in 
which I felt my mind concerned to express the 
benefits derived to us under the Gospel dispensa¬ 
tion, in which our lots are cast in this day—that 
there is not now any occasion for one man to say 
unto another, or to a brother, “ Know the Lord 
for all may know Him, from the least to the greatest 
—neither need we say one to another, “ Who shall 


182 


THE LIFE OF 


go up to heaven, or to the furthermost parts of the 
earth, to bring Christ from thence, that we may 
hear Him and obey Him for He, the Word,is near 
to each of us, in the heart and in the mind, telling 
each of us the way, and to walk in it—that though 
the Scriptures are the words of God, yet Christ is 
the Word that was before the Scriptures—that all 
things were made by Him, and that when He, the 
First-born, came into the world, the angels of God 
were commanded to worship Him—that He is tho 
Light of the world—that a measure and manifesta¬ 
tion of this Divine illumination is given to every one 
to profit withal, which if we follow in the way of its 
leadings, will lead us in the straight and narrow 
way, which ends in eternal life. We are all candi¬ 
dates for this glorious end, and the voice of Divine 
mercy has gone forth throughout the earth, inviting 
us to come to this Light, which is Christ; and 
what by nature we cannot do, His holy Spirit will 
enable us to do, if faithfulness is abode in, and He 
will save us with an everlasting salvation, which 
the works of the law could not accomplish. My 
mind was principally drawn to the servants, five of 
whom were present, and one of them had been 
clerk to a public worship house; the opportunity 
closed under a solemn covering. 

Fifth Month 9th .—I came home last evening from 
the Yearly Meeting in Dublin, our dear friend, S. G., 


JOHN CONRAN. 


183 


with his companion, W. Allen, were there, and had 
considerable service in the meetings, and a paper 
recounting some of their travels in foreign parts 
was read, which, with some verbal communications 
from S. G., were truly gratifying, and instructive 
to put our trust and confidence in the Divine 
counsel, and not to fear what man can do. I was 
in silence in all the public meetings, but returned 
in peace, and was satisfied I was there. 

18tfA.—I felt my mind drawn to the Monthly 
Meeting at Lisburn, which I attended, also the 
Meeting of Ministers and Elders, where, in refer¬ 
ence to a deficiency in bringing families to meeting, 
1 remarked that the authority which parents had 
given them by the Great Parent of the family should 
be maintained, as the patriarchs were kings and 
priests in their families, and reminded them how 
the centurion was praised for supporting his autho¬ 
rity in his family. The succeeding meeting was 
very low, and I sat a long time much depressed, 
when I had to say that the founda tion of true Gospel 
ministry was love—that God so loved the world 
that He sent Ilis only begotten Son into it—that 
He the Minister of ministers, preached to the 
people love to God above all, and love to our neigh¬ 
bour—that his church was built without hands, and 
did not need the support of men’s hands—that 
whoever ministered in it should remember the 


184 


THE LIEE OF 


advice of the apostle, to minister in that ability 
which God giveth—that if any ministered out of 
this ability, their foundation is comparable to hay, 
straw, &c., and will be consumed, as God is said to 
be a consuming fire ; and as He is also said to be 
jealous, His glory He will not give to man, nor 
His praise to the works of men, for His own works 
do praise Him, and if any one should take that 
honour to themselves, they will lie down in sorrow. 

jEighth Month 9th .—A meeting was appointed 
at Moyallen for Charles Parker, of Yealand, and 
Daniel Oliver, of Newcastle, and the next day one 
at Lurgan, which I attended ; they were both low 
times. In the latter, I had to remind Friends of 
the prize that is set before them, a crown of glory 
eternal in the heavens; but if we do not run we 
shall not obtain—if we stand still, we shall be 
found in the same spot at the end of the race. 
“So run, that ye may obtain.” 

11th .—This morning as I lay awake before day, 
I felt a flow of Gospel truths to break forth in my 
mind—attended with life, showing the necessity of 
experiencing the new birth brought forth in us; 
till that is the case, let our profession of religion be 
what it may, or our name be ever so high, we are in 
the Gentile nature, and our worship is in the outer 
court. This felt to me at the time so clear, that I 
thought nothing could gainsay it, nevertheless if 


JOHN CONRAN. 


185 


the blind eye is not Divinely opened, it cannot see 
into this mystery. God made a covenant with 
Israel at Sinai, which covenant they did not keep; 
He has made a covenant in these latter days by 
■writing His law in the heart, and in the mind, and 
those who break this covenant and will not keep it 
are not the Lord’s people, nor is He their God, as 
they do not worship him. These truths w T ere sealed 
on my mind, and as things new and old are brought 
out of the scribe’s treasury, so in the newness of 
life they may be brought forth to the edification of 
some. Blessed are the eyes w T hich see these things 
and have faith given to believe them, they shall no 
longer wander in darkness, but shall have the light 
of life. My spirit was deeply bowed with thank¬ 
fulness, and peace was the covering of it. 

Ninth Month 2 d .—The Quarterly Meeting in 
Grange, w T as very large, supposed to be above 600 
persons. Charles Parker and companion were 
there; I may say I w T as thankful to be present, al¬ 
though I was in a stripped state, and wearied in 
body with my journey from Belfast. The close of 
the meeting for discipline was comfortable, I w r as, 
drawn forth in supplication, that the little remnant 
who had toiled and laboured all the night, might 
be favoured to return to their habitations, with a 
portion of that bread which had been broken 
among us, by Him who feedeth the young ravens, 


186 


THE LIFE OF 


and those who sincerely ask it from Him—that they 
and their families might rejoice together, in thanks¬ 
giving and praise, to Him who only is worthy, now 
and for evermore! I had a desire to see the 
Friends of that particular meeting, next day, in 
their week-day meeting, which they very^ fully at¬ 
tended, and I was concerned to deal closely with 
them, for their general neglect of this reasonable 
service, telling them that I felt the Divine jealousy 
raised, so as almost to close me from any commu¬ 
nication at that time, which was the reason I was 
held so long in silence—because the servant’s invita¬ 
tion had been more attended to than that of the 
Master, who had so often invited, not only by His 
holy Spirit in their hearts, but also by His servants 
—that we called Him Master and Lord, but did not 
honour and obey Him as such, nor yet confess 
Him before men as we ought to do, &c. I returned 
home in the evening, with a sheaf in my bosom. 

17th .—I attended the meeting at Richhill, and a 
public one by desire of Nathan Hunt, from North 
Carolina, who was largely engaged in testimony 
therein, to the exalting of our principles, and ad¬ 
dressing himself to many states present, I believe, 
very, suitably; and although occupied at home in a 
laborious line, to maintain himself and family, being 
a blacksmith, nevertheless he had the tongue of a 
scribe well instructed, bringing things new and old 


JOHN CONRAN. 


187 


out of his treasury, and was as a polished shaft in 
his Master’s quiver, wounding and bringing down 
the hairy scalp of his enemies. I felt myself so 
small and little, that I durst not venture to my 
tent door, even to look after this man of God, as 
he entered into the tabernacle! 

Tenth Month ls£.—First-day, I am nowreturned 
from meeting, where I have been practically in¬ 
structed that I am little and low, and of no account 
in my own eyes, and perhaps in the eyes of others 
also; the life seems to be much veiled in me, yet I 
feel a necessity to move with the little, and to be 
content therewith ; this has been my lot for a long 
time in this meeting, but when the great Shepherd 
shall appear, we may hope to appear with Him. I 
have been now for a considerable time closely 
beset, especially in the night-season, by the enemy 
who is permitted to assault me, and I have cried 
most earnestly for help, which has been mercifully 
afforded, when my strength failed. If those who 
are acquainted with the Source of help, are 
scarcely saved from the jaws of the devourer, 
where shall the sinner and the ungodly appear ! 

19 th. —Week-day meeting here, after a long time 
in silence the [subject of the] ten lepers who were 
cleansed was opened before me—only one returned 
to give God thanks, and he was a stranger, not of 
the house of Israel,where were the nine? strangers 


188 


THE LIFE OF 


will be called in to sit at the table with Abraham, 
Isaac, and Jacob, in the kingdom of heaven, while 
the children of the kingdom shall be cast out; for 
the time may not be far distant when many, who 
have not been fa voured as we have, with one servant 
after another being sent with their lives in their 
hands, to invite, saying, “Behold all things are 
ready, come ye and eat at the Lord’s table,” whilst 
w r e are making excuses, forgetful of His mercies— 
I say these strangers will come to the light, flocking 
like doves to the windows, and will fill up our va¬ 
cant seats, for His table shall be filled, and the 
children of the bridechamber be cast out, if they 
will not hear. When the Divine light first shone 
into my heart, I was a stranger also, but I imme¬ 
diately cleaved to it, and surrendered my body, 
soul, and spirit to it, willing to give all up to be 
possessed of this precious pearl; and I have been 
mercifully preserved in the love of it to this day, 
now about eighty-one years of age; praise the 
Lord, 0 my soul, for His mercy endureth for 
ever, to those who love and fear him. 

Twelfth Month .—At the Quarterly Meeting at 
Lurgan, we had the company of Huldah Sears from 
Virginia, who had large service ; I was shut up in 
the several sittings, but the last, on Third-day,when 
I was enlarged in comparing the shadows of the 
law, with the substance revealed in the Gospel. 


JOHN CONRAN. 


189 


In the meeting for discipline, the answers from the 
several Monthly Meetings, showing a considerable 
deficiency in the attendance of week-day meetings, 
brought a deep exercise over us for some time, 
and a consideration arose, what could be done to 
endeavour to apply some remedy to this complaint, 
uttered in every meeting for discipline. After a 
time of retirement, it opened in my mind to pro¬ 
pose the appointment of a committee, to pay a visit 
to the several Preparative Meetings, and to endea¬ 
vour to stir up Friends to this reasonable and neces¬ 
sary duty, so much complained of as neglected ; 
which was agreed to, and a committee appointed, 
who performed the visit, I believe, to genera 1 
satisfaction, in the next month. 

First Month , 1821.—There feels tome a disposi¬ 
tion in some here, wanting to comprehend the hid¬ 
den mysteries of God, and to measure them by their 
natural understandings; to this spirit I have some¬ 
times to minister, but my labour seems in vain, it 
must be brought to the Master Himself if cast out. 
On First-day, I had to compare the natural man to 
the world, in its primitive state as described by 
Moses, void and without form, and darkness upon the 
face of the deep, until the Spirit of God moved upon 
the face of the waters—“and God said, Let there 
be light, and there was light, and God saw that the 
light was good ; and God separated the light from 


190 


THE LIFE OF 


the darkness, the light He called day, and the dark¬ 
ness He called night”—man, as born of a woman, 
is void of Divine knowledge of heavenly mysteries, 
but endowed with a knowledge of the things neces¬ 
sary for man, called “the things of a man with 
this knowledge man generally turns the strength 
of his mind and faculties to the obtaining of earthly 
things; but the Spirit of God, moving upon this 
state, says in His own time, “ Let there be light,” 
—and in that light, man then discovers his state of 
nature, and feels he is unable [of himself] to do 
those things, which the secret counsel of the Most 
High shows him in his conscience, are necessary to 
be done, if he attains to heaven and happiness. 
The light then is gradually separated from the 
darkness, and the light is called the day of merci¬ 
ful visitation to the benighted soul of man; and 
though this light appears in man, it is not of man, 
but from God in Christ Jesus our Lord. There¬ 
fore, man should give up his own wisdom in these 
things, and wait daily at Wisdom’s gate, for that 
wisdom which alone can explain those mysteries, 
■which were hidden from ages, and are now re¬ 
vealed in the second coming of Jesus Christ, [in 
Spirit], in whom is all wisdom and knowledge, and 
who is blessed now and for evermore ! 

10 th .—As I sat in my usual retirement this fore¬ 
noon, a stripped state was my companion, neverthe- 


JOHN CONRAN. 


191 


less I endeavoured to travel on, remembering Jacob 
wrestled through the night season; under this state 
of conflict this language feelingly impressed my 
mind, “ Mordecai returned to the king’s gate 
which comforted me, and begot in me thanksgiving 
and praise, that my then state was opened to me, 
and 1 journeyed on with renewal of strength, prais¬ 
ing God whose mercy endureth for ever. 

My baptisms are frequent, by day and by night, 
especially in the silence of the latter, though deeply 
exercising, deep answering to deep in holy writ, yet 
they are productive of secret prayer for preserva¬ 
tion from the roaring lion, seeking to devour; the 
hand which was stretched forth to save Peter, is 
stretched forth in due time, when every other help 
fails, His saving grace is found sufficient, and my 
little grain of faith is increased, to confess, 4 Thou 
art the Son of the everlasting Father, thou art the 
Saviour of all who put their trust in thee !’ I have 
been favoured with precious seasons in the night 
sometimes, when I have felt the inflowings of Di¬ 
vine good to my soul, bringing the whole man into 
solemn silence, and covering me with heavenly light; 
under this I have lain secretly praying for preserva¬ 
tion, and acknowledging I was but dust and ashes. 
These seasons I compared to the brook by the way 
which refreshed after the close exercises and bap¬ 
tisms I had passed through, and increased my faith 


192 


THE LIFE OF 


to say, ‘ Lord thou hast been my Alpha, condescend 
1 1 beseech thee to be my Omega, now in the 82d 
year of my age, that when thou in thy unerring 
wisdom seest meet to call me from works to rewards, 
I may be enabled to say. Speak, Lord, for thy 
servant heareth, and is waiting thy coming. Praises 
be to thy holy and blessed name who liveth and 
reigneth for ever and ever. Amen.’ 

Fourth Month 1$£.—First-day meeting at Moy- 
allen: near the time of separating,a concern ripened 
so as to encourage me to stand up and say, that the 
church of Christ here on earth was a high distinc¬ 
tion, which all bodies professing Christianity claimed 
as their own, but let us consider what the Scrip¬ 
tures say concerning it—they say it is the body of 
Christ, of which He is the high and holy Head— 
that it receives strength and nourishment from the 
Head—that as the oil was poured upon the head of 
Aaron, which ran down his beard to the nethermost 
skirts of his garments, so doth the unction from the 
holy One, run down from the highest to the lowest 
member of His body—that Christ is the officiating 
minister in His church, making use of servants and 
handmaids, as He did in the Jewish church—that 
such are made holy, harmless, undefiled, and sepa¬ 
rate from sinners, as He told his people formerly, 
“Be ye holy, for I am holy,” as the Head is holy 
so must the members (the body) be holy also, by 


JOHN CONRAN. 


193 


having their robes made white in the blood of the 
Lamb, who is the Word of God—which Word is 
in each of us, as a swift witness against every 
appearance of evil, reproving and condemning it, 
and as we submit thereto, our sins will be washed 
away, and we shall be clothed with the fine linen, 
which is the righteousness of the saints—that it is 
not [a mere reliance on] Christ without us which 
will give us admittance into the kingdom of heaven, 
though we may plead having eaten and drunk in 
His presence, and that He taught in our streets—it 
is Christ within us that will give us the blessed 
hope of glory—for there is no seed can destroy sin 
in man but Christ the Seed of the woman—and if 
we live in sin and die in it, “Depart from me ye 
workers of iniquity, I know you not,” is the sen¬ 
tence on those who are not washed and cleansed by 
the inspeaking Word of God, who told His disci¬ 
ples, “Now ye arc clean through the word that I 
have spoken unto you.” The Meeting concluded 
under a solemn covering. 

From Charles Parker to John Conran. 

Yealand, Fourth Month 6th , 1821. 

My Dear Friend, 

I was duly favoured with thy acceptable letter, 
and glad to observe therefrom the revival of an ex¬ 
ercise in your Quarterly Meeting to extend labour 
13 


194 


THE LIFE OF 


for the help of each other, and to carry home and 
communicate to individuals and families what may 
he unfolded to you of their states and conditions— 
to point out the path of danger, and hold forth the 
inviting language of u Come brother, come sister, 
let us go up to the mountain of the Lord, to the 
house of the God of Jacob, and He will teach us of 
His ways,” &c. In my younger days an exercise 
of this sort was yearly performed in the meeting 
wherein I resided, by appointment of the Monthly 
Meeting, and I think I am a witness of its profit¬ 
able tendency, both among the youth and others ; 
but it hath been rarely moved in of later years, and 
then mostly under the concern of individuals who 
have been travelling in the work of the ministry 
only. Probably it may be allowable to think that, 
in consequence of the decline of such care, defect 
and indifference have more abounded, and the love 
of many has become more cold ; it has at least been 
evident, in many places, that deadness and forma¬ 
lity have more prevailed, and, “Am I my brother’s 
keeper ?” has been the language more exhibited in 
conduct, if not in expression, for want of minding 
and improving the gift that is in them. 

I can feelingly sympathize with my dear friends 
in Ireland, they have had much to try them, and 
much to discourage them ; yet the Lord’s arm is 
not shortened that He cannot save, nor His ear 


JOHN CONRAN. 


195 


grown heavy that He cannot hear the secret 
breathings and petitions of His dependent children 
and people. But the things of time and of sense 
have tended greatly to weaken, as well as the 
undue influence of false brethren ; and I cordially 
unite in desire that my fellow-professors, both in 
Ireland and the land of my nativity, may come 
out from them and be separate—may not touch 
the unclean thing, that He may receive us, and be 
unto us a Father, and we become His sons and 
daughters. Thy remark concerning those who 
have separated from you, and are not now of you, 
I cordially unite with, for, however cases may dif¬ 
fer as to the cause of departure of any, something 
is at least due as an acknowledgment from such 
■who desire to return ; and if they are made sen¬ 
sible of their mistake, and the real ground of their 
desire for a reunion with the body arise from con¬ 
viction, I do hope it will be no task to such, but 
rather a relief, to make their situation truly known, 
and cause it to accompany their request. 

I am,with sincere esteem, thy affectionate friend, 

Charles Parker. 

Hay, in Brecknockshire, Wales, 

Ylth of Fourth Month , 1821. 

Being here on my journey, I am desired to pre¬ 
sent thee with the love of our dear friend, Nathan 
Hunt, w r hom I expect thou wilt see in Dublin, and 


196 


THE LIFE OF 


may add, that I feel helped on my way, as I was 
favoured to be in Ireland. 

14 th .—Monthly Meeting in Lurgan : this morn¬ 
ing early before I arose, I felt a gentle stream of 
Gospel truths flow in my mind for some time, some 
portions of holy writ were opened in a view that I 
never saw before; when I arose, all was wiped out, 
and a trying poverty succeeded, in which I se¬ 
cretly craved that I might be spared going to 
meeting ; but I had to go, and in it the waters rose 
so high as to become a broad river to swim in of 
new matter, what I saw in the morning not appear¬ 
ing ; sundry states were clearly opened and spoken 
to, the previous baptism I passed through showed 
me clearly to whom the praise belonged, to me it 
did not, for without His holy help I can do noth¬ 
ing that is good. 

Fifth Month 13 th .—As I lay awake early this 
morning I felt life spring up in my mind with this 
expression, “ I will be with thee wherever thou 
goest,” which brought thangsgiving and praise to 
Him who liveth for ever. I felt myself most un¬ 
worthy to be thus cared for, but He careth for the 
sparrows, and a hair of our head falleth not to the 
ground without His notice. In the meeting I was 
low and poor till near the conclusion, when I felt a 
little life to arise, with an invitation to come to 


JOHN CONRAN. 


197 


Christ and learn of Him who is meek and lowly of 
heart—that He being the express image of His 
Father, full of grace and full of truth, what teacher 
on earth can we find so capable and able to bring 
us to God ? He invites us this day to learn of 
Him, but the stumbling-block is in the way—His 
yoke must be taken up, His cross borne, which is 
the teaching of His holy Spirit, denying all ungod¬ 
liness and worldly lusts; for He will not pour the 
new wdne of Hi-s heavenly kingdom into our old 
bottles, all must be made new. There was a sweet 
solemnity over the meeting, and under it we sepa¬ 
rated : it may be said “ He wakeneth me morning 
by morning, He w r akeneth my ear to hear as the 
learned.” 

a Sixth Month 5th .—Our Quarterly Meeting con¬ 
cluded, many of the younger class attended; I 
think I may say it was a favoured meeting, and 
that the great Head of the church vouchsafed His 
holy presence at times amongst us, and I hope 
broke the bread of life, and handed it through His 
instruments to the comfort and consolation of some 
who were of the mourners in Zion. My baptisms 
previous to this season for some weeks were trying; 
—am I forsaken ? hast thou forgotten to be gra¬ 
cious ? But I was favoured with patience and hope 
to sustain me, as upon examination, into which I 
was led, I did not find any transgression brought 


198 


THE LIFE OF 


against me. I do not remember any meeting in 
which I was more helped than in this : to Him only 
be the praise, who is the helper of those who put 
their whole trust in Him ! 

Seventh Month 8th .—As I sat in meeting, a flow 
of sound gospel doctrines moved in my mind, con¬ 
nected and supported by appropriate portions of 
Scripture; but though I could subscribe in my 
judgment to them as gospel truths, yet I kept still 
in my retirement, not feeling the life with them 
[requiring utterance], which is more than meat to 
the soul that truly waits for that bread which comes 
not from men, but from heaven; for nothing but 
the Spirit of God can gather to God, according to 
the doctrine of our blessed Lord, that of ourselves 
we can do nothing. At length life arose, and I 
stood up in it, and declared the state I had been 
baptized into, comparing it to that the prophet 
Elijah was tried with in the mount, when the super¬ 
natural appearances of the strong wind, the earth¬ 
quake and the fire, passed before him. He was not 
moved by them, but remained in the cave, for the 
Lord was not with them. He came forth when he 
heard the still small voice, wrapping his face in his 
mantle, by keeping his eye steadily fixed on the 
Lord, his holy Head, he was mercifully preserved 
from the [delusion of the] false prophet, and re¬ 
ceived his commission to “go and anoint,” &c. I 


JOHN CONRAN. 


199 


had to compare the above state to that of such as 
take upon themselves, and are appointed by man, as 
ministers of the Gospel, not waiting for nor even 
expecting the Divine unction from the Holy One to 
qualify them, and so come ready prepared with 
w r ritten documents compiled from the holy Scrip¬ 
tures, which the natural man easily comprehends 
and readily subscribes to, bearing in his view such a 
resemblance [to his state] as face answers face in a 
glass, but going away under these impressions which 
are superficially made by man, he straightway for¬ 
gets what manner of man he is. But the words of 
Christ preaching in the heart are with that power 
from above as reaches to the edifying of his body in 
love, and the convincement of the hearers that -we 
must no longer continue in sin if we expect to be 
incorporated as members in Christ’s body.* His 
church militant on earth—and that Christ in us , 
by His light and grace, is our only hope of glory. 

* The true gospel ministers turn the hearers to Him 
as a Teacher, and from man, whose breath is in 
his nostrils, and who cannot, with all his acquired 
learning, make that strait in himself which is by 
nature crooked, nor open his own blind eyes to see 

* I have not sent these prophets, yet they ran : I have not 
spoken to them, yet they prophesied. But if they bad stood in 
my counsel, and had caused my people to hear my words, then 
they should have turned them from their evil way, and from the 
evil of their doings .”—Jeremiah xxiii. 21, 22. 


200 


THE LIFE OF 


the beauty there is in holiness, and that the end 
thereof is eternal life. I had to compare the 
ministry of such to the three appearances which 
Elijah could not acknowledge as proceeding from 
God; the earthquake to the agitations proceeding 
from the natural affections of the man, which 
never can produce in any the righteousness of 
God—neither that strong windy doctrine as if it 
would rend the mountains and break the rocky 
heart in pieces—nor was the Divine Power in the 
fiery zeal which some cover their delivery in as 
with a cloak—these must pass away, because they 
are not from God, and the still small voice be 
waited for, which always will convey certainty of 
duty and our present states to the true waiter in 
faith and patience. 

Seventh Month VSth .—A field of offering was pre¬ 
sented to my view at meeting on various subjects 
in holy writ, and I stood up with a pretty clear 
opening, and proceeded for some time, when a cloud 
overshadowed me, and I paused, and the whole was 
taken from me. A spirit of unbelief seemed to he 
the cloud I felt, to which I had to turn, and suitable 
doctrine was furnished largely to prove from Scrip¬ 
ture the Divinity of our most blessed Lord—that 
He was the Son of God, and not of Joseph—and 
that if we did not believe in His second coming in 
Spirit, to do away sin and to finish transgression in 


JOHN CONRAN. 


201 


those who believe in Him, such would lose the 
benefit of His coming in the flesh, and remain dead 
in trespasses and sins. It was a laborious exercise 
I passed through, but I felt clear; the wisdom of 
man is foolishness in the sight of God! 

To- 

Dear Friend, 

It was encouraging to me to hear that any por¬ 
tion of the manuscript I committed to the inspec¬ 
tion of thy dear father has merited his approbation, 
with that of my much valued and beloved friend, 
N. H. Thou mayst trace out the way the way¬ 
faring men have to travel; many are the trials and 
probations they have to pass through, but the Lord 
delivers them out of them all; the dross is to be 
purged out, and then comes forth the vessel for the 
finer. Oh 1 my dear friend, the ways of God with 
man in the regeneration are past his finding out; 
the changeableness of apparel they have to put on 
has more colours than Joseph’s coat, yet it is the 
garment the beloved child has to wear ; and though 
false brethren may be the means of starving and 
selling the owner into bondage, nevertheless the 
Lord is with him, and in His own time will deliver 
him : the rod of the wicked shall not always rest on 
the lot of the righteous. We may have in such 
times to walk through the shadow of death, yet 



202 


THE LIFE OF 


through faith we shall fear no evil; His rod and 
His staff shall comfort us, and we shall be led from 
one degree of strength to another. 

The awful situation you were placed in lately 
affected me ; I may say my heart expanded in secret 
thanksgiving for your preservation, and that the fire 
vas not suffered to kindle upon you. The same 
Almighty hand which preserved the three children 
was extended for your deliverance ; and I have not 
any doubt but thanksgiving and praise were secretly 
poured out in remembrance that His mercies, both 
ancient and new, will continue for ever to those 
who put their trust in Him, to those who will not 
bow down to the golden image which is [as it were] 
set up in the plain of Dura by spiritual Nebuchad¬ 
nezzar. Hold on, my beloved friend, worship the 
God of thy fathers in faithfulness and in truth ; 
dedicate to Him the first ripe fruits of His own hus¬ 
bandry, and sacrifice the lamb both evening and 
morning, and thy works will meet with acceptance 
before Him. Although that old altar upon which 
many sacrifices and oblations have been previously 
offered was permitted to fall to the ground, yet we 
should not be too much discouraged or lay it to 
heart; the Most High dwelleth not in temples 
made with hands, His worship will continue the 
same as before, and the temple which He dedicates 
to Himself will stand whilst a man stands upon the 


JOHN CONRAN. 


203 


earth. He never will leave Himself without a wit¬ 
ness to celebrate His praise and to speak well of 
His adorable name. I feel the tendering impres¬ 
sions of best love at this time for thee, [and in it 
iesire] that thou mayst hold fast that which thou 
hast received, and let no man or thing take thy 
crown, which the Lord has crowned thee with in 
the day of thy espousals. 

J. Conran. 

j Eleventh Month Yitli, First-day .—I had an open 
time to explain some of the mysteries of godliness 
as they are hidden under the types and ordinances 
of the law of Moses, which the natural man cannot 
explain, as he does not comprehend them, being 
only and alone to be spiritually understood. The 
Divine Being burying the body of Moses, the place 
whereof was never found by the natural man, was 
opened to my view, and expressed nearly after this 
manner,—that the spirituality of the law of Moses 
was buried by God under the types and figures and 
ordinances, which were no more than the patterns 
of the holy things themselves which were shown 
unto him in the Mount, (“ see that thou make all 
things according to the pattern shown unto thee in 
the Mount,”)—these were only the shadows, the 
substance of them w r ere reserved in heaven for 
Christ, who w T as the Prophet that was to come, to 


204 


THE LIFE OF 


be a Lawgiver like unto Moses (“ Him shall ye 
hear”)—the shadows did not profit them to whom 
they came; their bodies fell in the wilderness, save 
a few, a remnant. But Christ being come a High 
Priest of good things, by a greater and more perfect 
tabernacle not made with hands, through the eter¬ 
nal Spirit, offered Himself without spot to God, to 
purge our conscience from dead works to serve the 
living God. I had an open time to declare of the 
majesty and infinite power of Almighty God, dis¬ 
played at Mount Sinai at the delivery of the law 
by Moses, preceded by thunderings and lightnings, 
and the sound of the trumpet exceeding loud ; the 
mountain smoked as a furnace, because the Lord 
descended in fire, and the mountain quaked greatly, 
and the people trembled—that He is the same 
to-day that He was in generations that are past, 
His power the same, and can make the earthly- 
minded men to tremble, if they will resist and 
refuse to receive the law at His hand, and to cast 
their idols of silver and gold to the moles and 
the bats. 

Fourth Month 17 th, 1822.—My morning retire¬ 
ments of late have been barren and unfruitful, I 
toil and row all the night, and do not catch any¬ 
thing, yet I persevere through heights and through 
depths, hoping when the Master comes I shall be 
instructed to let down the net on the right side of 


JOHN CONRAN. 


205 


the ship: this state experimentally shows me that 
without Him I cannot do any thing that is good. 
I am preparing to attend the Yearly Meeting in 
Dublin, perhaps by this baptism, with other dis¬ 
tressing assaults of the enemy, which cause me to 
cry out for help; this seems sometimes long in 
coming, and occasions me to call more than twice or 
thrice before it comes, when my lips begin (spiri¬ 
tually) to tremble, fearing lest my soul should not 
find rest in the day of trouble. These may be 
necessary preparations for humility, that we may 
not take any thing to ourselves but that which be¬ 
longs to us, shame and confusion of face. 

Sixth Month 1 bth .—The Monthly Meeting held 
in Lurgan, a very small gathering and a poor low 
time; when the meeting for discipline was about 
closing, under a painful exercise I felt on account of 
the meeting, (about eight or nine men) I told them 
I remembered when there were sixty-three families 
who were esteemed in membership, and about sixty 
families not in membership, when I visited them, 
the former in their houses, and the latter in three 
sittings, at convenient places—that, before I had 
much or any expectation of being united to Friends, 
m that meeting-house I received the first feelings 
impressed on my mind that my Redeemer lived, 
which produced joy and rejoicing in my heart, and 
broke me into many tears, and I wept aloud—that 


206 


THE LIFE OF 


in that meeting-house, about eight years after, my 
mouth was first opened in a public testimony for 
that Principle of light [and life from Him,] which 
had formerly been experienced by me there, in these 
expressions, “ Oh! Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that 
killest the prophets,” &c., “ how often would I have 
gathered thy children,’’ &c., “and ye would not, 
therefore your house is left unto you desolate !”— 
desiring Friends to see if this prophecy was not 
fulfilling, or nearly so, and I believed others 
would be called in to fill their places. 

25£/i.—T his morning early, as I lay still, some 
passages of Scripture were opened in my mind in a 
clearer manner than I had seen them before, they 
flowed gently on, so that I compared them to Shiloh’s 
brook, which runs softly, and at the same time 
waters and fertilizes the ground it passes through, 
by increasing faith, which produces good fruits. 
The wind which brought this state blew unex¬ 
pectedly ; whence it cometh or whither it goeth, no 
man, as man, knoweth. I was deeply humbled, and 
poured out thanksgivings that such an one as I am 
should be thus favoured; there were then, as on 
other similar occasions, some of the secret things 
which belong to God communicated unto me, which 
are not lawful to write at this time, but are to be 
laid up in the treasury till the key of David opens 
and brings them forth in the newness of life. There 


JOHN CONRAN. 


207 


is a treasury in the temple of our hearts where 
these gifts are to be cast in, and not brought forth 
to such whose spiritual ears have not been opened 
by the finger of God ; till then they would only he 
objects of curiosity to the vain mind, which being 
satisfied, the remembrance of them would pass 
away, and leave not a profitable trace behind: 
therefore it requires the same watchful state in 
■which they were communicated to preserve them 
inviolate, that we may not deck ourselves with our 
Lord’s jewels, or gratify the vain mind in others. 

Ninth Month .—I attended the Quarterly Meet¬ 
ing at Grange, near Dungannon, which was the 
largest, I think I ever saw in this province. Mary 
Watson was there, and had large service. Justbefore 
the meeting closed, I stood up, and said that I felt 
that which was better than words, comparable to the 
dew descending upon the tender herb, which would 
make it green and fruitful if it were permitted to rest 
upon it—that I believed it was the love of God 
that was thus shed over the assembly, for our en¬ 
couragement, not to cast away our hope and confi¬ 
dence, though we may feel in a state of desertion, 
but in order to quicken us to advance, for that we 
are not forsaken—desiring that we may endeavour 
to carry home to our families a share of what has 
been now dispensed to us, as “ a piece of flesh and 
a flagon of wine,” that they also may be made par- 


208 


THE LIFE OF 


takers with us. The meeting closed under a solemn 
covering, and I came home in peace. 

[About this time he received a letter from John 
Kirkham, of Essex, alluding so agreeably to the visit 
which they paid together to the families of Friends 
in Dublin, that an extract from it is here given] :— 

Edinburgh, Ninth Month 28th , 1822. 

-“ I have often remembered our visit at Dub¬ 
lin, and still feel considerable satisfaction in the 
remembrance of it; for though it was attended with 
[deep] exercise, yet, in abundant mercy, the end 
thereof was peace. This thou canst say (with some 
others) is that which fully repays for all; and I 
doubt not but thou wilt be pleased to hear that a 
measure of this is at times the attendant of my 
mind, in having now nearly finished my visit to the 
dear Friends of this land. I have been as far as 
Kinmuck, and returned to this city on Fifth-day 
from Aberdeen. Dear John and Elizabeth Wigham, 
of that city, are in tolerable health, but are getting 
very infirm ; they cannot do much more in travel¬ 
ling but to and from their own meeting. There are 
a few choice Friends both at Kinmuck, Aberdeen, 
and Glasgow, amongst whom I was permitted to be 
comforted, which I esteem a great favour from the 
holy Head of His own church and people. My 
spirit salutes thee, dear friend, in kind love, and 



JOHN CONRAN. 


209 


herein I remain very affectionately thy sincere 
friend, 

John Kirkham. 

Eleventh Month —The approaching Quarterly 
Meeting brings to me its usual baptisms, leanness 
and deeply-trying poverty. These feelings accom¬ 
pany me mostly in the night season, when I lie for 
hours awake, resigning myself up entirely to Divine 
disposal, who knows best what is fitting for me, de¬ 
siring nothing more than mercy, and that He would 
be pleased to preserve my feetfrom falling into any 
snare that w r ould lessen my faith and confidence in 
Him, whom I love above all things, and whose 
displeasure in the least degree I dread, but at the 
same time that he would not spare any thing in me 
which should be done away. Thus I am travelling 
on in the path which the vulture’s eye hath not 
seen; the wisdom of man will not walk therein, 
but the wayfaring man (though a fool as to worldly 
wisdom) shall not err therein. This I esteem to 
be the way cast up for the ransomed and redeemed 
to walk in; it leads to that self abasement which 
puts no confidence in the flesh. This was the way 
Paul was travelling in to humble him, lest he should 
be exalted above measure by his visions ; the Divine 
light shining in his heart, and sho tfing to him that 
in his flesh dwelleth no good thing, and so mortify- 
14 


210 


THE LIFE OF 


ing was the view, that instead of patiently dwelling 
under it till it produced its full effect upon him, he 
cried out twice to be relieved from it: this was a 
necessary baptism, preparing to place no manner of 
confidence in any thing that is short of the assist¬ 
ance of the grace of God, immediately revealed. 
May it always be my blessed experience to be thus 
baptized into a lively sense of my state and condi¬ 
tion by nature, in which I cannot do any good 
thing; that in the Lord’s own time I may be 
favoured with the renewings of His holy Spirit, 
which will bring with them life and immortality to 
light, to the strengthening and refreshing of my 
soul in God, through Jesus Christ my Lord. 

In the first Month, 1823, the eldest son in this 
family, residing near Dublin, was taken ill with a 
fever, in which he lay above forty days, and w r as 
attended by three doctors; the sorrowful tidings 
came here that the doctors had but little hopes of 
him, which threw the family into deep distress. 
That day I felt and sympathized with them very 
nearly, and retiring with these impressions into my 
chamber, I felt my spirit drawn forth in prayer, that 
if it was consistent with the Divine will, he might 
be spared, they being a family who had afforded me 
shelter when I had been turned out of two houses, 
and had treated me kindly. When I had ended, 
this language was clearly impressed on my mind, 


JOHN CONRAN. 


211 


“ Thy petition is granted.” My faith in it was 
severely tried before it was accomplished; for about 
five weeks he was confined to his bed, and once or 
twice was laid out as if he was going ; but last week 
he showed such favorable symptoms that the 
doctors were discharged, and his mother returned 
home from attending him. 

Second Month 6th, 1823.—Long before day-light, 
I felt my mind impressed with the doctrine of per¬ 
fection, which we maintain as a religious Society, 
and is opposed by other Christian professors as im¬ 
possible and contrary to Scripture; whereas Scrip¬ 
ture declares man was made in the image of God— 
the impression here received was holy,harmless as to 
the other parts of the animal creation, (his food be¬ 
ing confined to the green herbs and fruits;) he was a 
stranger to every sinful appetite, worshipping God 
in spirit and in truth, not having any temples made 
with hands ; his union and communion was with God 
—he walked with Him, he knew His voice, and fol¬ 
lowed it. Here was a state of perfection, laid out 
for man during his residence here below, had he 
obeyed the Divine command ; God saw that this 
state was good, and blessed it. From this by trans¬ 
gression he fell, and introduced sin in the place 
thereof, and death to this blessed state through 
sin ; thereby losing the union and communion of 
the Holy Spirit. In this state of darkness and de- 


212 


TIIE LIFE OF 


reliction, man found out many inventions, and set 
up a form of worship, in imitation of that he had 
lost, which being of his own invention, led him forth 
from God to the lower creation, and he became so 
darkened, that he worshipped he knew not what; 
he lost the dominion over that part of God’s crea¬ 
tion, and instead of being their lord and master, he 
became their servant, and worshipped them; he lost 
the dominion of himself, and became servant to sin 
and sin-pleasing pleasures, and thereby loving dark¬ 
ness rather than the light, which condemned his evil 
deeds, he found himself unable to overcome this 
state, and on this ground it is that man denies an 
overcoming to be attainable : whereas Christ came 
into the world to put an end to sin and finish trans¬ 
gression in all those who are willing to deny the 
corrupt nature, by daily taking up the cross'and 
following his holy requirings. Thus the natural 
man knows not the redeeming power of Jesus 
Christ, because he is not of the willing and obe¬ 
dient who eat the good of the land ; whilst the truly 
spiritual man knows these things, yea the deep 
things of God ; and as the Divine Seed of light and 
life abideth in him, the temptation [to sin] is seen 
in the light, and the life reduces it in obedience to 
the cross, and thereby freedom from sin is obtained 
in proportion to the measure of Divine grace afforded 
being a portion of that fulness which was fofmd in 


JOIIN CONRAN. 


213 


our dear and blessed Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. 
So that our freedom from spiritual Pharaoh may 
be obtained by submission to Him who is a Pro¬ 
phet and Lawgiver like unto Moses, that Moses 
declared unto Israel should be raised up, and 
whom they should hear. 

Third Month 9th. First day .—Meeting at Moy- 
allen : in this meeting I was enlarged more than 
usually, which has been my comfortable experience 
for one or two years past, now in the eighty-fourth 
year of my age, when the natural life manifests a 
decay, yet the spiritual candle (or life) burns 
brighter; this was promised some time past, when 
I was bemoaning my leanness after near forty years 
in the exercise of the gift bestowed upon me. 

1 5th .—The Monthly Meeting held in Moyallen 
was favoured. 

18th .—Before day-light, a spring of Gospel 
ministry flowed in my mind for about an hour, and 
many precious truths were opened before me, to 
my admiration, in such a manner as man’s wisdom 
never had done before to my understanding, which 
caused me to praise and magnify the great and holy 
Giver of every good and perfect gift; for in Him 
dwelleth knowledge, and wisdom, and understand¬ 
ing, which man in his best and first estate cannot 
comprehend nor understand. The evening and night 
after the Monthly Meeting, I sat at the gate very 


214 


THE LIFE OF 


much stripped, for the meeting had been much 
favoured ; in that low estate I continued till after 
meeting the next day, when this relief was alforded 
to me, “I will never leave thee nor forsake thee.” 
The absence of Him whom my soul loveth is felt, 
and leads to a jealousy lest I should have done 
something that occasioned it; but when the clouds 
disperse, and the sun again breaks out, though 
grief may be for a night, yet joy comes in the 
morning without clouds. 

23rd.—First-day meeting at M.: I had to con¬ 
tend in testimony with that spirit of infidelity which 
had laid waste many in this quarter, as well as in 
many other places, the remnant of which still is to be 
found hereaway; they hide their heads now, but the 
sting is in their tails. The doubt of a virgin bring¬ 
ing forth a son was cleared before me, in the view 
of God’s omnipotence, who at first created man 
from the dust of the earth, and by His Word said, 
“ Let there be light, and there was light”—in David, 
He said, “I will make my first-born higher than 
the kings of the earth”—He had the priority of 
every other creature, being the first-born of every 
creature, and the first-born from the dead; and was 
the Head of the church which was named after 
Him the church of the first-born, the image of the 
invisible God, the fulness of whom dwelt in Him 
bodily—and “ to which of the angels said He at any 


JOHN CONRAN. 


215 


time, Thou art my Son, this day have I begotten 
thee? but to the Son he said, Thy throne, Oh 
God! is forever and ever,” &c. If these, and many 
other portions of holy writ, do not describe Him 
amply as the Son of God, and not [merely] of man, 
to such as do not believe them, preaching is in vain. 

After meeting, there was a funeral attended by a 
large gathering, [whom I reminded] that the pre¬ 
sent opportunity bore testimony that man from the 
earth was taken, and to the earth was to be re¬ 
turned, and the soul to God, who created it, for 
a purpose of glorifying Ilimself—the uncertainty 
of our time here should awaken us to the consi¬ 
deration how we are prepared to appear before the 
judgment-seat of Christ, to render an account of 
the deeds done in our bodies—if we have done 
well, the answer will be, “Well done, enter thou 
into the joy of thy Lord;” if the contrary, “De¬ 
part from me, ye workers of iniquity !” There was 
a solemnity over the large gathering, and peace 
was the covering of my mind. After dinner, I 
walked into the garden, and as I walked musing, 
my lips were opened, as if a hand had done it, by 
the Spirit of prayer and supplication in vocal words 
of thanksgiving and praise, and humble acknow¬ 
ledgments of manifold mercies and kindnesses re- 
ceived from him who liveth and reigneth for ever, 
God blessed for ever and ever. Amen. 


216 


THE LIFE OF 


Fourth Month 9th .—My attention has lately been 
occupied by £the consideration^] of the rest which 
is prepared for the people of God: this is, I believe, 
generally understood to be eternal in the heavens. 
There is a rest to be found in this life, reserved only 
and alone for God’s people, those who are willing 
to enter therein, resting from their own labours as 
God rested from His. When our eyes are anointed 
and Divinely opened, -we shall see in the light, which 
then shines in our dark hearts, that our works of 
righteousness, in which we have taken up our rest, 
and from which we hoped to reap eternal life, were 
the works of man, which never did or can produce 
the righteousness that God will accept. Nothing 
can bring the soul of man to .God but the Spirit of 
God; our blessed Lord spoke positively that of our¬ 
selves we can do nothing, and that without His 
Divine aid our own works will avail nothing. The 
young man who came to Christ, pleading his right¬ 
eousness from his youth up, and asking what else 
he lacked, stumbled at the cross, "would not follow 
Christ further, but went away sorrowful". And 
Paul, who was faultless in the observations of an 
outward profession of religion, when the light from 
heaven shone around him, he counted his former 
works of righteousness but as dross and dung, which 
could not profit him, so that he might gain the 
spiritual knowledge of Christ. These are some of 


JOHN CONRAN. 


217 


the mysteries of godliness, which are hid with God, 
and only can be revealed by his beloved Son, for 
whom are all things, and in whom the fulness of 
wisdom dwells—“ the Lord our righteousness !” 
He worketh in us those things which we cannot^ 
do for ourselves—if we be willing and obedient, 
we shall eat the good of the land. 

18£/i.—The monthly Meeting being appointed to 
be held at llathfriland, and the w r eather very bois¬ 
terous, discouraged me very much, so that in my 
retirement I sought to be released from the con¬ 
cern to attend it, pleading my old age, and the 
desire I felt to go to the ensuing Yearly Meeting, 
in which I might be disappointed by taking cold 
now ; I was quickly answered in these expressions, 

“ Let him who has two coats impart to him w r ho 
has none,” which immediately silenced me. This 
meeting was raised up near eighty years since, or 
more, by convincement, but is at present in a very 
low state, and their number very small. After a 
deep exercise, I w^as engaged in a close testimony 
—I hope in that love which flows from the Foun¬ 
tain of all true love—endeavouring to stir them up 
from that lukewarm state which shut them out from 
the Divine strength. Through favour I got home 
safely, and thankful that I was strengthened to 
go and fulfil the requiring—He is strength in 
weakness, and riches in poverty ! 


218 


THE LIFE OF 


Sixth Month 27th .—I have been for some time 
past a mourner in Zion, travelling heavily on, be¬ 
moaning myself and my situation among a people 
of unclean lips—my dwelling in the cottage in the 
^ineyard—no fellow-traveller to travel with me; 
yet the language of my spirit has been “ Not my 
will, but thine, Oh Lord! be done.” I was made 
willing to bear my portion of His righteous indig¬ 
nation, as Ezekiel had to lie 890 days on one side 
for the [iniquity of the] house of Israel, and forty 
days on the other side for the sin of Judah. 

Seventh Month 4th. —Week-day meeting here, to 
me it "was a night season ; I rowed on, but caught 
nothing—I rested on my oar, believing the Lord 
was present, though I did not perceive him : I 
came away in peace and not disconsolate. In bed 
this night or early in the morning, as I lay awake, 
I felt the Day-spring from on high to descend three 
times at intervals very unexpectedly, which brought 
me into a reverend frame of silent waiting, not feel¬ 
ing any communication to attend it; I bowed in 
thankfulness, acknowledging the unmerited conde¬ 
scension of the great and good Giver ! 

13 th. —First-day meeting at Moyallen ; a very 
small beginning, through faith increased to a 
favoured opportunity. The promised increase is 
fulfilled beyond my expectation, which is a comfort 
to my old age; my faith is strong in the Lord, and 


JOHN CONRAN. 


219 


mj trust is in His might; thankful I am that I am 
often favoured to feel the sentence of death in my¬ 
self, that I may not trust in myself, hut in the living 
God who raiseththe dead, and His own works praise 
Him. Theredias been much labour bestowed on this 
meeting, but with sorrow I say there is little or no 
visible signs even of the buddings of good, much less 
of fruit after so much labour. Zion, hereaway, if 
she is redeemed from the evil of her way, it must be 
(I believe) through judgment, for I apprehend from 
the increasing neglect of religious meetings and the 
low times experienced when the few meet together, 
that there is rather a return to bondage than travel¬ 
ling on to the promised land. I believe this to be 
my allotted place ; therefore though I mourn, as 
Baruch did, that the Lord hath seen meet to add 
grief to my sorrow, yet I endeavour to confide in 
a similar promise to him—that my life shall be 
given me for a prey in every land where I shall go. 

John Conran to Henry Hull. 

Moyallen, Eighth Month , 1823. 
My Dear Friend, 

I received thy agreeable favour of Sixth Month 
2nd, conveying comfortable intelligence of thyself 
and family, which is truly satisfactory to me’. I do 
not doubt but it will be equally pleasing to thee to 
understand by the present opportunity that I am 


220 


THE LIFE OF 


still continued, in the natural as well as in the 
spiritual struggling for life, with which I humbly 
hope I am mercifully favoured. I am now eighty- 
four years of age, and my health and strength of 
body equal to attend some of our meetings in this 
province, and I was at our last Yearly Meeting in 
Dublin, which I think was acknowledged by our 
great and good Master. I send thee a paper which 
will explain itself, in order to show thee that my 
thoughts are still engaged for Zion’s prosperity, 
and that my wish is that peace may be within her 
walls, and prosperity within her palaces ; this has 
been (I trust) my concern these fifty years, that I 
have been engaged in His service. I need not 
praise it to thee, who has so often and to my know¬ 
ledge experienced His bounty; His faithful servants 
always bear this testimony, that He is the best of 
masters, it is the idle and slothful who call Him 
“ an austere man.” He has not cast me off* in my 
old age as not worthy of my food and raiment; 
thanks be to Him, He gives me a sufficiency of 
both, which He was pleased to promise, that my 
allowance should not be abridged in my latter 
days, and this is fulfilled, with a hope that the 
end will crown all. 

I have been at times tried in cloudy seasons, 
[with the query] how we as a Society, could pos¬ 
sibly be [of] the church militant here on earth. 


JOHN CONRA N . 


221 


when I have painfully had to behold the impure 
mixture which compose it; the doctrines are as 
high as men can bear—to believe in the Light, and 
to walk in it, is to walk with God, as Enoch did 
of old—it translated him, and would translate us 
from earth to heaven, from being earthly-minded 
to be heavenly-minded. These considerations at 
times have brought serious reflections whether the 
church has not again retired into the wilderness, 
and that we only hold the doctrines, the sub¬ 
stance being gone ; but this has only occurred in 
my humiliations, under which I have kept silence, 
and have not inquired after so many living evidences 
in myself, as well as in other servants, “ Art thou 
he that should come, or look we for another?” 
But my bow abode in strength, the arms of my 
hands were made strong through the mighty God 
of Jacob, and therefore the armies of the aliens 
were put to flight; and in compassion to my 
weakness, the enclosed w T as opened to me, as it 
may inform thee ; I send it, not to take anything 
to myself, but my desert,.shame and confusion of 
face, and my motive in sending it is that I be¬ 
lieve it will gratify thee to find thy former fellow- 
labourer is not standing idle, looking on other 
men’s labours, but is still endeavouring to fill up 
the day’s work, in order to get the penny at last. 
-My sight is much impaired, otherwise 



222 


THE LIFE OF 


but little room to complain. With affectionate 
regards to thyself, thy dear companion, and chil¬ 
dren, I subscribe myself thy truly affectionate 
brother and friend, 

J. c. 

I still lodge in Moyallen, my son lives in the 
bounds of Moate meeting with his wife and chil¬ 
dren, a farmer. 

Tenth Month 20th .—This day eighty-four years 
I was born in Dublin—many trials and probations 
I have passed through since in order to prove me 
and fashion me to the present shape I am formed 
into; I may say I have passed from death to life, 
through the unsearchable mercies of God, who 
plucked my feet out of the mire of sin, and the clay 
of worldly pursuits, and has set them upon the Rock 
which followed Israel of old, and is the Rock of 
ages, and of the just and righteous of the present 
generation; and He has put a new song into my 
mouth, to praise and magnify Him who liveth 
and reigneth for ever and for evermore, God 
blessed for ever ! Amen. 


JOHN CONRAN. 


223 


CHAPTER VIII. 

1824. VARIOUS EXERCISES AND OPENINGS IN SCRIP¬ 
TURE DOCTRINE—CONCLUSION OF HIS JOURNAL— 
TESTIMONY OF THE MONTHLY MEETING OF LIS¬ 
BURN CONCERNING HIM. 

Second Month, 1824.—I returned from B. after 
a week’s absence; in one of the meetings there I 
had to address some wdiose lamp was gone out, 
and they were sensible of it, that they were not 
prepared to answer the awful summons if it should 
come whilst they were in this situation; I said I 
believed this impression was made on their minds 
by Him who willeth not the death of any, for His 
gracious will is that all who have erred and strayed 
from His heavenly sheep-fold should return, repent, 
and live; and therefore I recommended it as the 
loving mercy .of God in Christ Jesus, to awaken 
them from that sleep of forgetfulness, which if con¬ 
tinued in much longer might terminate in death. 
A solemn stillness covered the meeting, and I be¬ 
lieved the state was reached. I was invited to 
spend an evening at their house, but did not go— 


224 


THE LIFE OF 


if any good is performed, let it be the Lord’s work, 
and not man’s. 

[Daring this latter period of his life, he appears 
in his early waking hours, or other seasons of re¬ 
tirement, when prostrated in awful silence before 
God, to have often been favoured with a flow of 
Scripture doctrine, which was spiritually explained 
to his understanding in a remarkable manner, so as 
to fill him with humble admiration and grateful 
praise; he frequently committed these passages, 
with the heads of their explanations to writing, 
whilst fresh in his memory, and on one of these 
occasions remarks how suddenly these Divine open¬ 
ings were closed, as if a person had been reading to 
him in a book, which was afterwards shut, and the 
communications which had been in the Divine light 
ceased, adding] not one sentence I think could I 
remember a few minutes after, I could not read any 
more in that hook , neither did I attempt it, but 
abode in the quiet submission. The cause assigned 
to me this morning for it is, to convince me from 
whence these openings proceeded ; if from my own 
judgment, meditations, or compiling, they would 
not have been so suddenly obliterated as never till 
latterly to make the least appearance on my recol¬ 
lection, as other circumstances have done. The 
Scriptures are a sealed book to the natural man, 
and none can break the seals but the Lion of the 


JOHN CONRAN. 


225 


tribe of Judah, whom his own works do praise. 
[At another time he says], These seasons [of Hea¬ 
venly good] have appeared to me as somewhat of 
what Paul alludes to in the passage concerning 
“the washing of regeneration and the renewings of 
the Holy Ghost,” and are thus at times permitted 
for the strengthening and refreshing of our souls in 
our weary travail and deep baptisms, lest we should 
faint by the way; they would be to us as the brook 
was to Elijah, who having drunk thereof, travelled 
in that strength, in the bitterness of his spirit (bap¬ 
tism), till he came to the mount of God, where he 
heard the voice of God commissioning and appoint¬ 
ing him to further services in the church; under 
which refreshment his strength and faith were re¬ 
newed to resist the appearances of the fire, the 
earthquake, and the strong wind—to know the 
still small voice, and to follow its requirings—sub¬ 
mitting to the necessary baptisms for a minister. 

Seventh Month 21st .—As I satin retirement this 
forenoon, I was led to contemplate some of the pri¬ 
vileges attendant on a membership in the militant 
church; this is that body of which Christ is the high 
and holy Head,from whom the members receive their 
nourishment, and qualification for use and service in 
it. Some receive five talents, some three, and some 
one, which when occupied with, [even by such as 
seem as the uncomely parts of the body] more abun- 

15 


226 


THE LIFE OF 


danthonour la bestowed: when these are called forth 
to exercise their talent in the life and powder of the 
Gospel, the beholders will clearly perceive that they 
“knownot letters,” and their education has been low 
and mean—from whence then proceeds this flow of 
words so fitly spoken, and well applied to the truths 
of the Gospel and the mysteries typified in the law ? 
not from school learning, it is evident—they must 
therefore against their will be compelled to acknow¬ 
ledge that the same Teacher who taught the disciples 
in the beginning, taught them, and that they had 
been in the school of Christ—after this manner 
more abundant honour is conferred. This may be 
encouraging to [such as are comparable to] the 
ram’s horns in the hand of the great High Priest, 
which were instrumental formerly, we may remem¬ 
ber, to bring down the walls of Jericho, the first con¬ 
quest made on the other side Jordan, and should 
encourage the one talented not to lightly esteem 
the smallness of their gift, and to remember, that 
man is not to live by bread alone, but by every 
word which proceeds from the mouth of God. 

From Richard Cockin to John Conran. 

Doncaster, Eleventh Month 9 th , 1824. 
My beloved Friend, 

Thy cordially acceptable salutation, dated Fifth 
Month 11th, claimed an earlier proof than the pre- 


JOHN CONRAN. 


227 


sent, that k afforded us much pleasurable satisfac¬ 
tion to receive another letter from thee, although it 
was at the same time accompanied by a considerable 
drawback, on account of thy increasing disability 
for letter writing which was so manifest; it was 
however, an occasion of rejoicing to"us, in having 
again to observe, that the best things remain upper¬ 
most with thee, and that spiritual greenness con¬ 
tinues to be the clothing of thy mind. It was also 
very pleasant to us to hear that thou hadst again 
been enabled to attend the Yearly Meeting [in 
Dublin], and to mingle in exercise with thy friends 
in endeavouring to promote the best interests of 
our Society, of which thou w'ast so kind as to give 
us an interesting account: so that notwithstanding 
bodily weakness is becoming thy enfeebling atten-' 
dant, yet thy love to thy friends, and to the precious 
cause of Truth, appears to remain unabated—which 
I regard as a certain evidence, that thy spiritual 
health is preserved in a quickened lively state; and 
this, my dear friend, I trust will be continued to 
the end, so as that thou mayst have to adopt the 
consoling language of the apostle, “ I have fought 
a good fight, I have finished my course, I have 
kept the faith, henceforth there is laid up for me 
a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the 
righteous Judge, shall give me.” 

How cheeringly animating is the prospect, when 


228 


THE LIFE OF 


a portion of that living faith is vouchsafed, which 
enables the tribulated traveller Zionwards, to afresh 
thank God and take courage—mayst thou, my be¬ 
loved friend, witness thy spiritual strength so re¬ 
plenished with faith and confidence in Almighty 
sufficiency, that as thy bodily powers are increas¬ 
ingly feebler, thy mind may be sustained, as with 
an anchor sure and stedfast. It may be permitted 
to thee, as it is the lot of many other travellers, 
to he tried at seasons, with discouraging impres¬ 
sions, yea at times fears, doubts, and enfeebling 
reasonings may be the depressing feeling of the 
poor mind, when the en. ’ may assail us with 
renewed attempts, to weal our trust and con¬ 
fidence in the redeeming p 'r of the Saviour of 
men; so that there is still need for us to watch and 
pray lest we enter into temptation, and so long as 
we are clothed with humanity, so long there appears 
a necessity for us to endeavour to have our minds 
centred in a state of humble dependence on Al¬ 
mighty sufficiency for preservation. 

We could wish to be affectionately remembered 
to T. C. and J. Wakefield and children, &c., with 
other dear friends at Lisburn—it is very grateful to 
my feelings, to witness the flowings of near regard 
sweetly attract my mind towards our dear friends 
in Ireland, to many of whom we are united in the 
bond of religious fellowship; under the continued 


JOHN CONRAN. 


229 


feeling thereof to thyself, in which my E. C. very 
cordially unites, I remain thy nearly united and 
tenderly sympathizing friend, and brother in the 
Truth, 

■Richard Cockin. 

Eleventh Month 20th .—This morning long before 
daylight, as I lay mourning over the state I felt 
both in temporals and spirituals, I remembered the 
comforts I had enjoyed, when I possessed a domestic 
establishment, an affectionate wife and children, a 
house and land, a suffie^ cy to support them, with 
other enjoy ,, en I contrasted these with 

my present situation. :ny wife removed, my only 
daughter suddenly t ’ .en, my son over whom I have 
often lamented, with his children far distant, and I 
a lodger in another’s house, being houseless, and 
not one foot of land to call my own, not a relation 
near to me to close my eyes in a time, perhaps 
near at hand—these and many more discouraging 
reflections similar, weighed me down, besides a 
stripped state of mind. Under the exercise which 
these produced, I cried, “I am desolate,”—when 
these words were quickly impressed on my mind, 
<• On a Rock”—it was the voice of the Comforter, 
who said “that Rock was Christ!” Comfort fol¬ 
lowed, with thanksgiving and resignation ! 

First Month 3 Oth, 1825.—I awoke this morning 


230 


THE LIFE OF 


before daylight, and after some time I was intro¬ 
duced into silence, and into the school of Christ, 
where for upwards of an hour, I was taught won¬ 
derful things out of his law, some of which I believe 
I had not ever known before ; this caused me 
humbly to be prostrated before Him, and to confess 
that He is the Wonderful Counsellor, in whom alone 
was and is the power and ability for every good 
word and work. Being First-day, in meeting I 
was clothed spiritually with sackcloth and ashes, 
but after sitting in this state near an hour and a 
half, I felt the necessity to move forward, and 
after some wading, a large field of offering opened 
before me, much to my comfort auu instruction. 

Second Month 1 5th .—This morning I was intro¬ 
duced into that school, wherein is taught the hidden 
mysteries of godliness, to those only who have their 
ear opened to hear them, and are found waiting in 
the temple. Much instruction in heavenly things 
passed through my mind, in the newness of life. 
The language of mankind was confused at Babel 
because they attempted to save themselves, by their 
own wisdom and understanding, from a return of 
the waters, they trusted not to that preservation 
which had so far repeopled the world, but would 
be independent of it. God saw the work of men’s 
hands that it was foolishness, therefore frustrated 
it by confounding their language, which scattered 


JOHN CONRAN. 


231 


them over the face of the earth. This confusion of 
language has continued to this day, and their build¬ 
ing, instead of being to them as a tower that would 
reach to heaven, never raised them higher than 
earthly things : in this state the natural man is 
found at this time, not being able by his own 
strength or wisdom, to reach to that purity of lan¬ 
guage which was lost, in which God can be accep¬ 
tably and truly worshipped as God, and which can 
only be recovered by the instructions and teachings 
of the Holy Ghost. From this state of confusion, 
proceed the many modes of worship in the world, 
in which very many may be said to worship, they 
know not what; some in their prayer call God their 
Father, when their works plainly show whose chil¬ 
dren they are—they call Him their Lord and Master, 
and disobey His righteous commands every day— 
they pray for forgiveness of their sins, on the terms 
cf forgiving the trespasses of those who sin against 
them, and they will not forgive any a small trespass, 
who have trespassed against them, but cast them off 
till they pay the last farthing—they call heavenly 
things bitter, which are found to be sweet to the spi¬ 
ritual worshipper—and the light of the world, which 
is the spiritual appearance of Jesus Christ in man, 
showing to him what is good and the evil of his 
ways, (for, “ that which maketh manifest is Light,”) 
many say this is man’s natural faculty, and some a 


282 


THE LIFE OF 


remainder of his first estate before he fell; when 
the Divine Judge condemned him, that in the day 
that he eat of the forbidden fruit, he should surely 
die. Thus was the language corrupted from that 
purity in which it was taught by God, when man 
was in the pure image of his Creator, when he could 
by the aid and assistance of the Holy Spirit, give 
names to all cattle, and the fowls of the air, and to 
every beast of the field. But after the fall, the 
wisdom of man, (the fruit of the forbidden tree) 
found out many inventions, corrupted the language 
that was Divinely taught, and introduced the pre¬ 
sent confusion of tongues, which cannot be brought 
back to its original purity, but by submitting to and 
obeying the teachings of the Holy Ghost, without 
which influence no ma n can call God his Father, or 
Christ his Lord, (1 Cor. xii. 8.) ; nor can any man, 
but by the same Spirit know who the Son is but tho 
Father, nor who the Father is but the Son, and 
those to whom the Son reveals Him. This know¬ 
ledge is denied by some churches, saying that reve¬ 
lation has ceased, that the Scriptures contain all 
that is necessary for salvation ; the above text 
proves, I think, the necessity of revelation. “ To 
know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ 
whom thouhastsent is life eternal.” We may gain 
a knowledge of the Scriptures by reading, or tradi¬ 
tion from our parents, and be equal to Apollos, who 


JOHN CONRAN. 


233 


was mighty in the Scriptures, and from thence 
preached Jesus Christ,in the synagogues boldly; 
yet he was not hereby baptized with Christ’s bap¬ 
tism, nof received as a minister in Christ’s church, 
till the (spiritual) way of God was taught him 
more perfectly. I believe the Scriptures are the 
words of God, given by Him to mankind by in¬ 
spiration, through holy men of old—that they are 
a handmaid to the Holy Spirit, conveying to those, 
who will receive their testimony, the mind and 
will of God. 

Fifth Month 18 th .—The Quarterly Meeting ap¬ 
proaching, and my accustomed preparation for it 
trying baptisms, poverty, and discouragement—the 
Comforter not come—my sight failed, and little 
hope of a revival—yet not so far deserted as the 
prophet Ilabakkuk, whose faith did not fail under 
greater privations. Lord, help my faith, and give 
me to remember when thy candle shone upon my 
head, and caused me to rejoice in hope that though 
cast down I was not forsaken—praises be to thy 
holy Name! 

Eighth Month lH/i.—I have been for some weeks 
past under a particular dispensation, a recollection 
of several incidents of my former life, and which 
had passed under judgment and condemnation, unto 
pardon ; the remembrance was so fresh, that it re¬ 
quired an almost constant watch to exclude them. 


234 


THE LIFE OF 


This dispensation brought me under a trying humi¬ 
liation, so that I was often ready and desirous to 
give up a service of which I felt myself altogether 
unworthy, and when engaged in it, was so feeble, 
that I generally was brief and discouraged. This 
appears to me a state the apostle experienced, when 
he said nothing belonged to him but shame and 
confusion of face. I have been greatly abased, 
though mercifully preserved from yielding up my 
crown; but through all God was magnified, that 
His mercy had preserved me, for to Him alone the 
praise is due. It may be a preparatory baptism for 
the ensuing Quarterly Meeting, [and if so] I am 
satisfied to abide under its continuance, desiring 
that the Lord will not pity, nor His hand spare, 
till Ilis holy hand has formed and fashioned me to 
what lie would have me to be. My Lord and 
Master cried out on the cross, “ Why hast thou 
forsaken me ?” I have in similar and lesser circum¬ 
stances, cried out in like manner, but did not feel 
any condemnation, therefore I am encouraged to 
hold on my way, hoping to be enabled to do so, 
unto the end of the race, which is not gained by 
the swift, but those who hold out to the end will 
gain the prize. Herein the creaturely part is cru¬ 
cified, and the Lord magnified, because His mercy 
has endured so long. I believe I may say with the 
apostle, “lam crucified with Christ, nevertheless I 


JOHN CONRAN. 


235 


live, yet not I, but Christ liveth in me,” and the 
life I now live is not according to the flesh, but in 
my measure according to the blessed will of the 
dear Son of God, and to Him is the praise and 
thanksgiving, now and for ever. Amen. 

Written by myself who am almost blind, J. C. 

[Many of his latter memoranda were written by 
a kind friend from dictation.] 

Eighth Month 23d.—Memory is “Sound—I 
must say farewell to sublunary enjoyments, and 
wait my approaching [end], which I do by night 
and by day, not trusting to any works of righteous¬ 
ness of my own, but to the mercies of God through 
Christ Jesus. 

Twelfth Month 20th .—Last First-day I was at 
our meeting here, which to me was remarkably hard, 
a spirit of unbelief to a great degree'was felt by 
me, which shut me up for near two hours, a small 
share of relief w T as afforded, but the cloud which had 
been broken, soon again closed and the light w r as 
obscured. In the evening after reading the Scrip¬ 
tures in the family, we had a time of solid retire¬ 
ment, which fully recompensed for the trials in the 
meeting; the w r ing of Divine love was felt by me to 
overshadow us, and under the shadow, I hope we 
were made to rejoice, in our several measures in 


236 


THE LIFE OF 


solemn silence, which continued during the remain¬ 
der of the opportunity. Under this baptism my 
mind was impressed with this language, “ Thy sins 
and thy iniquities are no more remembered, I have 
cast them out behind me;” this I could not em¬ 
brace as being my state and condition, and that 
the voice that I heard, was t£e voice of Him whom 
my soul loveth, being often of late baptized into a 
recollection of my former manner of life, which led 
me to say that it is of the Lord’s mercy that I was 
not consumed. In this frame of mind I continued 
to look from this opening, till it was repeated three 
or four times, when peace was solemnly proclaimed 
in my heart, and was the seal that closed it. Thus 
I believe, we are at times mercifully favoured with 
a degree of that hope, that the Lord knoweth them 
that are His. The foundation of the just and 
righteous of all generations cannot fail, and those 
who build their hopes thereon shall experience that, 
though the winds may blow and the rains descend, 
it will stand. A holy confidence was raised in my 
mind, which caused me reverently to bow before the 
Great and Good Giver of it, and to praise and 
give thanks to Him who is w T orthy of it, and who 
liveth and reigneth for ever. 

Painful have been my days, and wearisome have 
been my nights, in waiting for the arising of the 
Sun of righteousness, who I think has delayed His 


J 0 n X C 0 N R A X . 


237 


coming, which is a trial of my faith and patience; 
but as all His ways are wisdom, and past our find¬ 
ing out, I endeavour to submit thereto, and ac¬ 
knowledge my unworthiness, of the favours hith¬ 
erto bestowed upon me, and strive to be con¬ 
tent with the small share of light still vouchsafed. 

Fifth Month 14th, 1826.—I returned from the 
Yearly Meeting in Dublin: it was pretty well 
attended, and in some of the [sittings we were 
owned by the] Master of our assemblies, which 
was an encouragement to His faithful ones ; I 
was favoured with a little help to get through 
what was laid upon me, to my satisfaction, and 
returned in peace. 

26th .—This morning early I was favoured to 
experience the Shepherd’s voice, opening and 
wonderfully expounding many different passages 
of holy Scripture, which led me to praise and mag¬ 
nify His adorable mercy in condescending to visit 
and communicate with such a poor mortal as I am. 
These communications are frequent, which I may 
call the renewings of the Holy Ghost, to strengthen 
and refresh the weary traveller, and [in them I 
recognize] the union and communion of the saints, 
which our first parents enjoyed in Eden—blessed 
union and communion, through obedience to the 
grace of the Holy Spirit! 

Tenth Month ls£.—As I sat still this morning 


238 


THE LIFE OF 


after breakfast, this language passed [livingly] 
through my mind, “ Rejoice and be exceeding glad, 
for there is a place prepared for thee in my king¬ 
dom—and proceed as hitherto in secret prayer 
and silent waiting, and thou shalt not be puffed 
up by whatsoever may be committed to thee.” 

Twelflh Month 1 5th .—I am daily waiting my 
change, having only the mercies of God to trust to. 

1827.—I am daily waiting in the temple, if I 
may be favoured to hear this joyful summons, 
“ Enter thou into the joy of thy Lord,” where the 
wicked cease to trouble, and my weary spirit I 
trust will experience rest. 


[These appear to be the last words recorded in 
John Conran’s Journal, and in a hand almost ille¬ 
gible, he being nearly blind ; but he continued to 
attend meetings, even sometimes at the distance of 
fourteen miles, as long as his bodily strength per¬ 
mitted it, so great was his desire to wait with his 
friends for the arising of the heavenly Power of 
Christ therein, and to be found faithfully occupying 
with the gift mercifully bestowed upon him, often 
saying, as an incentive to a more perfect dedication 
of mind and body, “ I serve the Best of masters, 
who, I can testify from long and precious experi¬ 
ence, withholds no good thing from those w T ho faith- 


JOHN CONRAN. 


239 


fully serve and obey Him.” The following extract 
from the Testimony concerning him drawn up by 
the Friends of Lurgan Monthly Meeting will show 
how he "was engaged with the same zeal in the last 
meeting he attended, being the day previous to his 
death] :—With affecting energy, he closely pressed 
Friends to faithfulness and diligence in attending 
the meetings for worship and discipline, saying, 
the parable of the great supper had deeply im¬ 
pressed his mind, by which he was instructed to 
believe that no excuse, however plausible, would 
be taken for neglecting those important duties; for 
none, he thought, could-be more reasonable than 
■were mentioned, wherein one having bought a 
piece of ground, it was but prudent for him to see 
it before paying for it—another, five yoke of oxen, 
which it was only reasonable he should be per¬ 
mitted to prove before he paid the puchase-money 
—whilst a third had married a wife and could not 
come, having thereby necessarily undertaken to 
provide for a family, especially as he is declared 
to be worse than an infidel who provides not for 
his own. Then mourning over those who were 
not sensible of their situation, and of the great sal¬ 
vation offered to all, he said, “ I now again tell you 
what I have so often declared that 4 other foun¬ 
dation can no man lay than is laid, which is Jesus 
Christ.’ ” Then warned all to be careful of neglect- 


240 


TIIE LIFE OF 


ing calls from Heaven, and by the servants sent as 
messenger after messenger, testifying, “Beholdall 
things are ready,” for should they continue to do 
so, the children’s seats at the Lord’s table would 
be filled by others, w T ho beholding the Light, 
would flock as doves confined in a room to the 
windows; adding, he was made thankful in being 
assured that Light had already broken forth and 
the day had dawned ; and when about to resume 
his seat, he advanced and said, “For thus having 
been permitted to live to see this day, I praise, 
honour, and magnify my God!” 


JOHN CONRAN. 


241 


THE TESTIMONY 

Of the Monthly Meeting of Lisburn concerning 
our dear friend , John Conran, late of Moy- 
allen , deceased. 

Although this our beloved friend resided for 
some years previously to his decease within the 
compass of another Meeting, we find ourselves en¬ 
gaged to bear a testimony respecting him, having- 
been for the greater part of his life a member of our 
Monthly Meeting, and many of us having partaken 
of the benefits of his religious labours. 

By a manuscript of his own, it appears that he 
was born in the city of Dublin, in the year 1T39, of 
parents professing with the Church of England ; 
being in easy circumstances, they gave him a pretty 
liberal education, having placed him at school at 
Ballitore, where he remained until fit for business, 
and was then apprenticed to a person in the linen 
trade at Lisburn. In this situation, he had more 
liberty than hitherto, and being a good deal ex¬ 
posed to unsuitable company, was led into many of 
the dissipations incident to youth ; for which, how¬ 
ever, it appears he was soon brought under condem- 
16 


242 


THE LIFE OF 


nation, and was thereby induced frequently to look 
inward, under a belief that that which may be 
known of God is manifest within; to use his own 
expressions, “ his secret breathings began to be 
after God,” he became more diligent in his attend¬ 
ance of public worship, and zealous in the perfor¬ 
mance of the rites and ceremonies of the profession 
in which he had been educated. The continued 
observation of some of these not producing the 
good effects he had anticipated, he was led, after 
the lapse of a few years, to look for something 
more substantial, and secretly cried for deliverance. 
Sin became a heavy burthen ; he gradually forsook 
the pleasurable amusements in which he had been 
in the practice of indulging, sat much alone, and 
in reading the Holy Scriptures, they were often 
made a means of comfort to his tribulated mind ; 
his desire after stillness and retirement increasing, 
he was led into a dependence on Divine instruction. 
The work of religion having thus commenced in 
good earnest, and his heart prepared for the recep¬ 
tion of the Word of Life, he was reached, about 
the thirty-third year of his age, in an extraordinary 
manner, under the ministry of Robert Willis, a 
Friend from America, in a Quarterly Meeting of 
Friends at Lurgan, into which he had gained 
admittance, although not a member. 

Notwithstanding he was on terms of intimacy 


JOHN CONRAN, 


243 


with several individuals of our Society, he had pre¬ 
conceived a disrelish to our principles; but his views 
were now completely changed, and, under a firm 
conviction of the rectitude of the proceeding, he 
,soon afterwards fully embraced the doctrines and 
views of Friends, not, however, without passing 
through many deep conflicts of spirit on this account, 
and in the retrospect of his former course of life, 
■which was often brought before the view of hia 
mind, attended with a conviction of Divine judg¬ 
ment for transgression; thus having experienced 
the terrors of the Lord for sin, he afterwards be¬ 
came willing to persuade men. 

In the year 1780, our dear friend first appeared 
in the ministry in a meeting at Lurgan, and con¬ 
tinuing faithful to the pointings of duty, he became 
an acceptable and able minister of the Gospel. 
Deeply impressed with the solemnity of the nature 
of the engagement, he was concerned in the exercise 
of his gift, to move under the influence of the Holy 
Anointing; and thus abiding in watchfulness and 
humility, and in reverent waiting and dependence 
on the Lord alone, his communications were fre¬ 
quently attended with a sense of the baptizing power 
of our Holy Head and High Priest; and although 
often but short, were weighty and powerful. Skilful 
in dividing the word aright, he ministered caution, 
counsel, and reproof to the disobedient and un- 


244 


THE LIFE OF 


faithful, as well as comfort, consolation, and confir¬ 
mation to the tried and drooping mind, and to such 
as were seeking the way to the kingdom. Often 
deeply experiencing a state of inward poverty and 
want, he was eminently qualified to minister to this 
condition in others. 

In the exercise of the discipline of our Society, 
our dear friend was conspicuously useful. Zealously 
concerned for the support of our religious testi¬ 
monies in their ancient simplicity and purity, and 
for the preservation of our members in soundness of 
principle and consistency of practice,he was enabled, 
by the aid of divine Grace, to stand with Christian 
firmness against that spirit of infidelity which, at 
one period, was so prevalent, and caused the defec¬ 
tion of many in these parts from the standard of 
Truth. This was a time of great conflict to his 
mind, but he was favoured to be preserved in steady 
adherence to the cause he had espoused, and em¬ 
boldened to testify his belief in the efficacy of the 
redeeming power of Christ Jesus our Lord, and 
that it is “ not by works of righteousness which we 
have done, but according to His mercy He saveth 
us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing 
of the Holy Ghost.” Through all, he evinced that 
his chief desire was to be found faithful in the 
commission he had received, and a good steward 
of the manifold Grace of God. 


JOHN CONRAN. 


245 


In the diligent attendance of our meetings for 
worship and discipline, our beloved friend was a 
bright example, and frequently much exercised on 
account of those amongst us who were deficient in 
this respect. He laboured fervently to impress 
upon the minds of all the necessity of not conform¬ 
ing to the spirit of the world, illustrating by exam¬ 
ple the doctrine which he preached, by sacrificing 
every thing of a secular nature that might have 
stood in the w T ay of his performing those religious 
duties which he believed incumbent on him. 

In the year 1805, our dear friend was deprived 
by death of an amiable wife; a woman of a truly 
pious disposition, and tenderly beloved by her hus¬ 
band. This, with some other domestic afflictions 
of a peculiarly trying nature, which w r ere subse¬ 
quently his portion, he was enabled to bear with 
Christian resignation and fortitude. 

Of late years he did not travel much in the work 
of the ministry out of the compass of his own 
Quarterly Meeting; he had, with very little excep¬ 
tion, been constant in his attendance of the Half- 
year’s Meeting, and subsequently of the Yearly 
Meeting in Dublin, up to the year in which his 
decease occurred, and several times attended the 
Yearly Meeting in London. It appears also that 
he paid repeated visits to the meetings of Friends 
in most parts of this nation; nearly the last en- 


246 


THE LIFE OF 


gagement of an extensive nature in this way, was 
in the year 1810, when he visited the families of 
Friends in Waterford and Clohmel, and having 
been afterwards joined by Henry Hull, a Friend 
from America, then on a religious visit to Friends 
in Ireland, they were unitedly engaged in a similar 
service in some other places. In the autumn of 
1819, being then nearly eighty years of age, he 
united with John Kirkham, a Friend from Eng¬ 
land, in paying a religious visit to the families of 
Friends of Dublin, much to the satisfaction of. his 
friends, and the peace of his own mind. 

In giving forth this testimony to the life, labours, 
and services of our departed friend, we desire not 
to exalt the creature, but to magnify and extol that 
Divine Power, by whose grace he has often been 
heard to declare, “ that he was what he was,” and 
that “to him belonged nothing but shame and con¬ 
fusion of face.” He was a man of weighty spirit 
and deep in religious experience ; being possessed 
of a good understanding and a sound and deliberate 
judgment, his advice was often sought for by his 
friends in matters of importance. Thus it may be 
indeed said, he was truly useful and honourable in 
his day, and many of us have had cause to rejoice 
that he was raised up amongst us. Great was his 
travail of spirit for the welfare of Zion, and the en¬ 
largement of her borders—many were the conflicts 


JOHN CONRAN. 


247 


he endured on account of the desolations in our 
Society, yet he was often permitted to rejoice in 
the belief, that although he might not live to wit¬ 
ness it, a day was approaching in which the cause 
of truth and righteousness would more generally 
prevail, and in which many would flock to its stand¬ 
ard, as doves to the windows. 

During his long and useful life he had been 
favoured to enjoy almost an uninterrupted state of 
good health, which with the possession of his 
mental faculties remained with him nearly to the 
end, although it was evident that his natural 
strength was gradually on the decline. His re¬ 
moval was rather unexpected, and quite sudden; 
nevertheless we have good ground to believe, that, 
as he had not deferred a preparation for eternity 
to that solemn hour, he was ready for the awful 
summons; and although we feel our loss to be great, 
we have no cause to mourn on his account, but 
rather to rejoice that in the abundant mercy of 
our Heavenly Father, through the mediation of 
His beloved Son, our Holy Redeemer, this our 
dear friend is now, we trust, enjoying in the full 
fruition of immortal bliss, the reward of dedication 
to the service of his God, and that as he continued 
to the last in firm but humble reliance on that 
Divine Mercy which had accompanied him through 
life, the same merciful Power, we reverently be¬ 
lieve, was his support in the hour of dissolution, 


248 THE LIFE OF JOHN CONRAN. 

and became bis conductor through the region and 
shadow of death into that city whose walls are sal¬ 
vation, and whose gates are praise. 

He departed this life at Moyallen, on the 16th 
day of the Sixth Month, 1827, in the 88th year 
of his age, and about the 48th of his ministry. 
His remains were interred in Friends’ burying- 
ground at Lisburn, on the 18th day of the same 
month, having been accompanied to the grave by 
a large number of Friends hnd others, upon which 
occasion a meeting was held, wherein the solemniz¬ 
ing influence of the Powei; of Truth was felt to 
predominate. 

Given forth in the Monthly Meeting of Lisburn, 
held there the 15th day of the Eleventh 
Month, 1827, and signed therein by a number 
of men and women Friends. 

Bead and approved in the Quarterly Meeting 
for the Province of Ulster, held at Lurgan, 
the 3rd of Twelfth. Month, 1827, and signed 
in and on behalf thereof, by 

Thomas Christy Wakefield, 

Clerk to the Men's Meeting. 

Read and approved in our Women’s Quarterly 
Meeting for the Province of Ulster, held at 
Lurgan same time, and in and on behalf 
thereof, signed by 

Margaret Harvey, 

Clerk to the Women's Meeting . 



























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